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Sunday, August 29, 2004

You know you want one of those annoying, cute, happy marriages

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We all know a couple like this: after years together they still hold hands, make each other laugh and blush, get along famously, and seem to enjoy a dynamite groove the rest of us only dream of.

Yes, I do believe Bridget Jones called them the Smug Marrieds.

But what really goes on behind the scenes? Have these two soulmates actually found their perfect match in this big wide world, or are there secrets and strategies to making sure that romantic spirit continues to flourish over time?

Or are they putting on a big show to hide that they are living lives of quiet desperation?

If you too are looking for a way to better condescend to your single friends, MSN has a multi-point plan for you.

Start solid. Remember that best friend you had when you were a kid? Whether blissfully playing side-by-side in the sandbox, or building an awesome fort together, you two just grooved on being in each other’s presence. Happy couples share that same serendipitous groove, if in the all-grown-up world. Romantic chemistry aside, they genuinely like each other as people, and truly enjoy walking down the path of life hand-in-hand.

It helps to be boring, as that minimizes points of conflict.

Keep it fresh. Routines and traditions can give a couple a comforting sense of predictability that’s both grounding and reassuring. But surprises and adventures are also essential to really keeping that spark alive. Happy couples make a habit of shaking things up a bit by planning weekend getaways to undiscovered destinations, saving their pennies for a dream vacation, or launching fun and ambitious projects together. Having exciting things on the calendar to look forward to and sharing new adventures together reaffirms their connectedness and refuels the romance.

Make sure to wear matching traveling clothes on these romantic outings. There's nothing fresher and more erotic than being a couple of Twinkies.

Clear the air. It’s perfectly natural for any couple to encounter frustrations, disappointments, and miscommunications from time to time. But if grievances go unaired, they can pile up to a mountain of resentment and put the relationship at risk. Happy couples make sure they keep the communication open, and navigate those inevitable rough spots with honesty and mutual respect.

But a few days ago, we were told that nagging is bad. I'm so confused.

Have a life. A healthy relationship consists of two individuals who each maintain a strong sense of themselves, and who each take a genuine interest in the other. One may decide to go back to school to pursue a higher degree, while the other may get involved in a volunteer project or a photography workshop. Maintaining individual identities and pursuing individual interests insures that there’ll always be new things to share and to learn about one another.

The main thing is to learn to fake interest when your spouse is talking about his/her boring hobbies. Smiling and nodding will get you through most of the time, but it helps to have a few stock questions to ask occasionally.

Tune it up. Whether it be once a month or once a year, a regularly scheduled sit-down can allow for some essential upkeep and maintenance of a healthy relationship. Happy couples may agree to a periodic summit meeting to check in with one another about the overall well-being of their partnership. They may discuss what they’ve been appreciating about one another, what dynamics could use some tweaking, and what is on the horizon for their future as a couple. A little preventative TLC from time to time helps keep those relationship engines running smoothly.

A little State of the Union address? I'm sorry, but no one does this. If they do, they are truly pod people. Normal human beings, don't feel bad that you get out your differences through the occasional fight.

307 Comments:

Blogger Elayne said...

I either resent or resemble your remarks, Amanda, I'm not sure which. I'm blessed enough to be in the kind of relationship MSN describes. And I hope to goddess that Robin and I aren't "pod people!" We're just two soulmates who finally met up in this lifetime. And we do have a strong sense of selves, and we do take an interest in each other, and we do have periodic summit meetings (although we call them, you know, conversations) when shit's bothering us. And we're each other's best friends and make each other laugh all the time and I'm sorry if that bothers other people but I used to dream of this kind of simpatico with someone and now that I have it I don't shove it in people's faces but neither do I cotton to, you know, feeling guilty about it. Just saying, is all.

8/29/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

I'm sorry--I didn't mean to criticize happy couples for existing. (I think I have a happy relationship, myself!) I resent these little advice columns, but I find myself sucked into reading them and this is just my way of venting. I guess at least this particular column is not overtly sexist, but it does fit into a larger category of articles that reinforce the belief that the happily married are somehow better than everyone else, a belief that would be harmless enough, I suppose, if it weren't wielded as a political tool. I'm not trying to needle married people so much as I'm attacking the idea that there's a model life that we should all aspire to.
And seriously, I do know people who would rather die than have a State of the Union address.

8/30/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm with Elayne.

Happy/successful marriages do exist and there's nothing wrong with a journalist, even if it is at MSN, trying to abstract a few generalizations about what contributes to success in the marriage arena.

My spouse and I don't have a yearly summit, but we do have an anniversary book that someone gave us as a wedding present that we use once a year to sit down and go over the year, what's happening, what's planned for next year, and so forth.

And I don't think we're pod people either.

Medley - http://uncorked.org/medley/

8/30/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm on the side of Elayne/Medley, but I guess that the thing I disagree with here is this:

it does fit into a larger category of articles that reinforce the belief that the happily married are somehow better than everyone elsehappily married isn't better than unmarried, but surely it's preferable to unhappily married, yes? for all concerned? this sort of column, it seems to me, is aimed at those in or contemplating a marriage or other long-term commitment, and offers advice on making that a productive and positive experience. columns on self-actualization, friendships, and other aspects of life *outside* marriage are simply different beasts. it must be ok to address married folks and their concerns about their relationships, without other folks feeling slammed.

(this is not to say that I don't agree that our society seems to preach marriage as the solution to all ills, a tenet beyond the ridiculous...)

acm

8/31/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Yes, that would make sense in a vaccum. But this article doesn't exist in a vaccum. When the writer opens up by envoking the envy of the "happily" married and defines "happy" in such narrow terms--holding hands, laughing and blushing, etc.--they are leaning on and reinforcing the belief that a certain kind of marriage is the standard that we should all aspire to.

8/31/2004

 
Blogger Elayne said...

"I guess at least this particular column is not overtly sexist,"

Yes, thank you, that was part of my point (even though I readily admit all I've read of it are your excerpts).

"but it does fit into a larger category of articles that reinforce the belief that the happily married are somehow better than everyone else, a belief that would be harmless enough, I suppose, if it weren't wielded as a political tool."

Okay, I see where you're coming from, but I'm not sure you got it across that way. Politically, the "some day my prince will come" meme is pervasive and skewed and sexist and all that, sure. But that's not what I'm affirming. I'm affirming the viewpoint that says "if you open yourself up to life's possibilities, and if you're very lucky and are in the right place at the right time and, most importantly, if you get yourself out there where people can get to know you, your chance at finding someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life increases astronomically." My first husband (with whom I'm still friends and who, by the way, has a nifty blog) was a subscriber to a newsletter I self-published. IU met my soulmate, my current husband, online in a Usenet newsgroup. I was proactive in going to venues where I was comfortable and had fun and made friends, which I consider an absolute prerequisite to romance, marriage, partnership, whatever. But as I say, Robin and I don't throw our marriage in people's faces, so I tend to react badly to single people assuming we do. Never in a million years would I deem myself (or act like) a better person than you because of my marriage, Amanda. I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt at the very least.

8/31/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Believe me, I know that plenty of married people did it for their own reasons and they don't hold it over everyone else. But I was just trying to take the sanctimonious tone out of this article. I get frustrated by the pious messages that marriage is hard work, etc., not because they are necessarily untrue so much as they don't tell the whole story. Bob and Jane down the street are holding hands and giggling, sure, but does that mean they are actually happy? It could. It could also mean that Bob is a politician.
It also doesn't mean that if you aren't married or that if your marriage is unhappy that you aren't working at it hard enough--you might be. Luck is involved.

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11/30/2005

 
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12/02/2005

 
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12/02/2005

 
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12/03/2005

 
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12/04/2005

 
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12/05/2005

 
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12/07/2005

 
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12/08/2005

 
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12/08/2005

 
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12/09/2005

 
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12/11/2005

 
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12/12/2005

 

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