How to be properly desperate while still being attractive

As we all know from MSN's endlessly good dating advice, it's important for single women to be desperate--after all, your entire identity is riding on the chance to get married or not. But common sense would tell you that grasping desperation in not what you would call attractive. So how does one go about being desperate (and all single women are desparate--or cold, strange weirdos) without seeming desperate? It's obviously a long, hard process involving tons of advice from MSN, plus a number of books with invariably pink covers and roses and stuff on them. Today we just tackle what to do in the earth-shattering event that your date doesn't call you.

You’re single and have been on so many dates you’re thinking of turning “small talk” into an Olympic sport. You go into every date with the hope that you’ll finally find your prince; however, date after date, the only thing you wind up finding is another frog. You come home feeling disappointed and agonize over how to tell your friends — and worse, report to your mother that once again, there was no connection.

My suggestion is to tell your friends and your mom that even if some man immediately wanted to marry you on the first date, you would have to politely decline because that's weird. And then immediately enact a policy where you don't tell your mom and your friends every time you have a date if they're going to put so much pressure on you. And get some new friends.

People start to wonder out loud what your “problem” is. They tell you that you’re just too picky and need to give people a chance. Slowly, you lose hope and become unmotivated to go out ever again.

Your problem is your friends--get new ones. Or get the guts to tell them that you're not going to marry the first guy who comes along so that they are more comfortable.

So our heroine--you, apparently--has a fun date that ends with a kiss and the guy saying he'd love to see her again. I'll spare you the details, but here's the all-important aftermath.

You run to the phone, thrilled that you finally have a happy tale to tell. You feel excited, hopeful and peaceful.

If my friend called me in the middle of the night after a date to tell me she had fun, I would reach through the phone and strangle her. Wait until lunch the next day, at least.

Until it hits you. He didn’t “technically” ask you out again — he said “he’d love to see you again.” Your heart starts pounding as the pit in your stomach grows. “What if he doesn’t call…?”

If you frequently have to sedate yourself to keep from panicking after dates, it's probably time to reassess your situation. Possibly you should consider celibacy or an arranged marriage. Most likely, you should quit fussing so much.

The next 72 hours are spent furiously checking messages, emails and dial tones.

Apparently, you just need a job. Or a hobby? May I suggest blogging and reading feminist blogs?

Luckily, we have helpful tips to keep the freak-out under control. This is important, because you don't want to scream at him if he actually ever bothers to call. That would be desperate--it's good that you're desperate, as your friends will tell you. But seeming so is unattractive.

1. Sit on your anxiety; he may still call. That panic you feel is related to your fear that this will be another disappointment — and you do not want to deal with another disappointment.

It's disappointing indeed that the seemingly nice guy is a jerk. Normally it would be good that he doesn't call so that you know early on, but I guess in your desperation you'd better take on the jerk.

2. Think about why there is so much riding on this call for you. This is not your last chance at love! This is less about him calling and more about how you feel about yourself.

Well, that and your evil friends are apparently going to ride your ass about it.

3. Some women think it’s nice to call or email him the next day to say “thank you” for a fun evening. This is an attempt to keep the connection going while alleviating your fear that he won’t call.

Anyone who told you it was polite to say thank you is crazy.

But what about the next time? Are you setting a precedent here?

If you end up dating him, you might find yourself calling him all the time. And you don't want that. Dialing the phone can break a nail.

4. Men are pursuers by nature, so if he’s interested, he will contact you. Try to stop worrying and go back to your life.

After all, if you keep not showing up to work while waiting by the phone, you will get fired. It might be helpful to get a cell phone if it's so important that you pick it up on the first ring.

5. Most importantly, remember that you’ve only known this man for a few hours — think about that!

And he didn't produce a ring. So it wasn't meant to be, anyway.