Smiling

Well, the comments threat at Hugo's blog got hijacked over the debate over whether women should smile or not at men. Ack! I feel kind rotten about it. I think that there are some massive misunderstandings. (Actually, misunderstanding suits his original topic well, which is why men who mean well can honestly get put off by the "guilt" thing.)

Since the focus in this discussion is often on women's very real anger at sexism and fears of violence, I thought I would point out that women are cautious over men for somewhat mundane reasons, too. My example was men who tell strange women who are lost in their thoughts or even frowning for whatever reason to smile. My point is just this--when a man tells a woman to stop doing whatever she is doing to smile at him, he is essentially saying that her obligation to make men feel good overrules anything else that might be occupying her mind at that moment. I could be wrong--maybe there's the whole smile squad, and all I've ever seen is the male members going after women in public. But I don't think so.

Apparently, this touched a nerve. In a very raw and basic way, one of the most sexist demands on women is that they handle the responsibility of prettifying the world--being cuter, nicer, lifting moods, smiling, handling social niceties, etc. It's hard to criticize this, because it's difficult overall to criticize anything that can be seen generally as a good thing. This is why the issue of women's nuturing nature is a big issue--nuturing is a good thing, so it's difficult for people to see why characterizing women as especially nuturing is wrong. The reason is that this isn't about women being better--it's about tearing down stifling gender roles and achieving equality and freedom. Characterize women as inherently nuturing and women who aren't particularly nuturing will get labeled as bad women.

I think we're off-track to talk about whether women should or shouldn't smile or whether it's dangerous our not, and for one really good reason--it's not about "should". It's about freedom.

I am a really smiley person, a huge goofball. Looking through the mountains of pictures my boyfriend takes, in most I'm smiling even and especially if I don't see that my photo is being taken. Or actually laughing. That's my personality--believe it or not, that too can be considered unfeminine because the proper girlie smile is demure, head down, eyes up adoringly, not a big shit-eating grin. Hell, laughing women might be an even bigger threat than those lost in thought or frowning vaguely at stress in their own lives.

It doesn't matter if some women are pleasant and smile at strangers or some can't be bothered and some laugh so hard that insecure men can't handle it. The issue is privacy and freedom. Women have the same right as men not to be under constant survelliance. Our behavior doesn't need to be corrected by strangers who have their own opinions about what makes a person sexually appealing, and nor should our very desire to be appealing be up for debate.

Astarte wondered, and fairly I suppose, if I'm not a hypocrite because I have my times when I like to wear cute clothes and be sexy. No, I don't think so. If I want to wear nice clothes and make-up, I do. If I'm too busy to do those things, I don't. If I'm not in the mood, I don't. If I want to wear them to impress my select friends but I don't care what strangers think, that is also my right and good for me.

It's the same with being a pleasant, smiling female. Sometimes it's sunny and all is right and you feel like you are in a musical and are walking down the street singing and just grinning like an idiot at everyone you see. Sometimes you are busy and lost in your thoughts. Sometimes you are beset by depressing thoughts and are sad. No matter how you feel, you don't owe it to strange men to lift their spirits by having women smile demurely at them.

The only thing I was pointing out is that even in small ways, sexism makes it hard for women to comfortably go about living their lives, something men take for granted. Instead women are under survelliance, having their behavior inspected and corrected out of the belief that our feelings should be subsumed to those of men we don't even know walking down the street.