Minister of Advice Enforcement

President-for-Life Sheelzebub thinks that silly little blog awards are nothing. Instead of mere awards to polish and slap on your sidebar, Sheelzebub is handing out ministries. I would like to be the Minister of Advice Enforcement, due to my self-proclaimed expertise in ridiculous advice columns. My duties would be to make sure that everyone in the advice column industry is on message, exhorting women at all times to be active in their passivity and appearing cool while remaining anxious. Oh yes, and to have nothing more important in their lives than pleasing men while pretending to be busy little beavers to improve attractiveness to men. If we can keep women under an onslaught of helpful advice that will keep them running after their tails, they will be unable to wake up and oppose President Sheelzebub's plans for world domination.

In hopes of obtaining this position, I wish to highlight one of the advice columns from MSN that is right on target with its message to women that anger is just unsavory in a female.

He did the unthinkable, and now you want to get even. Ok, you’re entitled to blow off a little steam, tell all your friends (and his) what a horse’s ass he is, maybe even lay a major guilt trip on him — complete with waterworks.

Right off the bat, this writer is out to confuse the audience. Anger is okay, sort of, well actually it's best if you show a more ladylike sadness.

Things you want to do:
Key his car — and risk retaliation.
Seduce his best friend — and face possible rejection and humiliation.
Tell his mother what he REALLY thinks of her — chances are she’ll side with her son.
Boil his rabbit (oh, and his furry little pet, too!) — and risk going to jail.

Before the audience can put up resistance, our clever advice columnist knows to chastiste the audience for being small-minded and petty females, too dumb to key a car without getting caught, too insecure to avoid sleeping with someone who probably means you ill will, too loud-mouthed and gossipy to know how to pick an audience and swamped by a hysterical clinginess that the movies tell us affects only women.

And now for the best part--the part where we women are reminded not to focus our anger outward at the source of our troubles (in this case, it appears to be a cheating man), but instead to turn our pain inwards to the cause of self-improvement. Because if he's a jerk, it's your fault.

Cleanse. Time for a little spring cleaning to clear the cobwebs from not only your heart and head, but your house, as well. Toss out all reminders of him, good or bad.

Proper women don't get mad, they get to scrubbing!

Work it out. Work it out of your system with a good workout routine. It will get you out of the house, help lift your energy and spirits, and help you keep that hot — perhaps even hotter — body you know he’s missing (just another benefit if you happen to run into him).

This is especially good advice for those who cut out a man for cheating. As you jog along, think about how you could have kept him by being in better shape to begin with. Blame yourself for not trying hard enough to be perfect. Much more pleasant than unfortunate anger.

Move on. The sooner you get on with your life, the sooner you let him know that your world didn’t really revolve around him after all.

Get past him so that you have the satisfaction of knowing that he thinks you're past him when you sit around thinking about him. A properly confusing piece of advice guaranteed to distract the female half of the population from worrying about world domination.

Forgive. No one says you have to forget what happened, and you may wonder why you should ever forgive such a crime of the heart. But to forgive is to free yourself from another’s emotional hold. Anger means you care, and of course the last thing you want is for him to think that you’re still harboring some sort of feelings for him and mourning your relationship.

Why should he have to suffer someone's anger because he hurt her? Goodness knows that anger can just give someone too much clarity--to be angry at someone for hurting you is to know that you don't deserve to be hurt, which might lead to the unfortunate result that you demand better for yourself in the future. And if you eliminate cheating bastards from your potential boyfriend pool, that shrinks the pool and may delay obtaining another boyfriend.

This writer is also perfect for President Sheezlebub's purposes. Women who can't work up the enthusiasm to stand up for themselves in their personal life could possibly be guilt-tripped into not standing up for themselves politically. Not all, but many. I'll leave it up to the other ministers to work on the men. Perhaps a Minister of Conservative Talk Shows could work on getting the men to be so afraid of female welfare recipients and greedy divorcees after their money that they don't see what they have to fear from our President?