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Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Changing names, Pt. 1,573

In Cary Tennis's advice column today, we have a woman asking the question that has a recent resurgence in popularity: Should I change my name when I marry?

Usually in these letters or columns or whatever, there is a lot of dissembling and making excuses for the sudden about-face. The writer who is changing her name or thinking about changing her name always thought she would keep her name, always wanted to keep her name, and assumed that wouldn't be a problem until the engagement and the full-on press from the husband-to-be to change her name. And it's looking like it will just be easier to give in than fight about it. But she doesn't want to be the kind of person who gives in rather than fights, so the letter/column is about how she has suddenly realized, with his help or usually all on her own, that changing your name is the right decision.

But this woman is a breath of fresh air, since she is not full of shit:

Of course, I find myself head over heels with a nice traditional man who, while he doesn't expect me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, always assumed that I'd take his last name. That's not to say that he doesn't respect me, my abilities and my beliefs, and he's hardly insisting. But I know it would mean a lot to him.

I like her honesty. I would tell her to ask for money from him, but only because I'm snotty brat and I think it would be funny. You know, he asks her to change her name and she says, "What will you pay me?" When he says that she should should do it for free, she can accuse him of accusing her of being cheap, that she would sell out her ideals for no cash at all. When he says she should do it out of love, then of course the reply is, "What will you give up for me that's even close to giving up the name that means so much to me?"

Because it seems to me that if a man really loves a woman who loves her own name, then he wouldn't ask her to go through this. And in reality, if a man asked me to change my name, that's exactly what I would say.

I will say that this letter is a little silly.

And what woman, no matter how citified and modern, hasn't doodled her love's last name? Even though I know that you can have a close family without sharing a name, the idea of taking his name does have appeal in a purely romantic sense.

I can honestly say that I've never doodled my first name with anyone's last name. I have always thought that it was pretty silly. But then again, I'm weird. In my elementary school days, I was also the party-pooper who pointed out that it was unlikely that any of us would marry someone from our 3rd grade class, no matter what the results of the MASH game were.

Luckily, Cary Tennis advises her to keep her name if it's important to her. Often in our culture women feel the pressure to change their name or give in on a myriad of other "small" things because it's wise to pick your battles. And it is wise to pick your battles--but that's a standard that should apply to both sexes. I firmly believe that it's occasionally healthy for a woman to fight it out with her man over some stupid thing and teach him the wisdom of picking his own battles. Because if she gives in on every "small" thing and he never does, the resentment will build and build and one day he won't have any clue why he's come home and his stuff is all out on the lawn and the locks are changed. And no one wants that.

181 Comments:

Blogger Mary Garth said...

I have to admit, I'm not quite as pure as you--I did, once upon a time, doodle my first name with various last names. However, the last time I did it was probably somewhere around age 13.

Keeping my name was never a question for me, and Fred claims he would have thought it was weird if I'd changed it to his...

The next issue, though, is kids' names. I've never really understood why it makes sense to keep one's own name at marriage and then give the all the kids the man's name... Fred and I have alternated with the kids--one has his last name and one has mine, each with the other last name as a middle name. We decided we preferred that to hyphenation. So far, we've found a few other academic types who've made this decision, but almost no one else.

8/04/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Sounds like a great solution. And I'm no purist--I was the queen of crushing on rock stars as a teenager. I'm just eccentric.

8/04/2004

 
Blogger CrazySoph said...

Hi, my screen-handle is crazysoph and I'm another doodler.

That said, there was NO QUESTION about changing my name when we married: Dear Hubby is Dutch, and the official taking our application was very proud to let me know all my options, his name, a hyphenated version (with his first) or my own proud family name. Which was the choice I made. With no objections from DH or his family.

Not withstanding DH's ease, my dad (pauses to spit) still made an issue of it, when I got mail addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Given-Name of Dear-Hubby," and in response, I made a verbal note to follow it up and explain to the writer that This Was Not Acceptable. He pretended it was a joke when I called him on it, then went on to criticize how I couldn't "take a joke."

So, changing the name is coming back, eh? The more things change... *sigh*

As a "and another thing" - ironically, the only trouble we've had in Ireland with our separate names came from a Dutch woman! Everyone else is cool with it, and DH sometimes even "borrows" my name (it's short and recognizable, while his is polysyllabic and contains a frightful-looking double-a...) the first time he used an Anglicized version of his Dutch name with my last name, I nearly died laughing, and then thought, "Heck, it's almost like being married to two people!"

Crazy(but luckily, I don't play favorites between them *wink*)Soph

8/04/2004

 
Blogger mythago said...

Mary, we did something similar--the girls have my last name and our son has his, and each child has the opposite-sex parent's last name as a middle name.

I took my first husband's name when we married, on the same assumptions a lot of people make: it's not worth the argument, it means so much to him, etc. It became apparent pretty fast that it's *not* a small thing at all--by giving in to that, you're setting up right off the bat the expectation that his sense of male entitlement trumps pretty much everything else.

I'm now happily married to somebody else, who would frankly be horrified if I wanted to take his name. And perhaps it's that we live in California, but nobody thinks it strange (except our respective moms, but you know, too bad for them).

This is not, I hasten to add, to say that name-changing is WRONG WRONG WRONG and nobody should do it.

8/04/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have no intention of changing my name if it comes to that point. I was, once, discussing it with a SO and he figured of course I would take it; it's so important to share a name. I said it's not so important to me, but it *is* important to me to keep my own name, so he could change to my name. He agreed, after that, that it was unfair for him to ask.

Someone I know had changed her name. I asked her about it; her answer was, essentially, that she wanted them to share a name. Which would have been great if they hadn't divorced just after she started grad school. Now she has to change everything back.

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8/04/2004

 
Blogger Fred Vincy said...

Mary's right that I would have thought it a little odd if she had changed her name -- I was planning to marry Mary Garth, but I didn't know Mary Vincy at all.

On the whole, there've been pleasantly few hassles. The only significant one that I recall was that the State required me to sign affidavits of paternity to be on our sons' birth certificates, but did not require that when spouses have the same last name.

8/05/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what's sad? I used to be a doodler as a kid...but that was because I thought you weren't allowed to keep your own name.
Heck, even then I was "Rodham Clinton" doodling.
My ex-fiance was all about bugging me to take his name on some level, or at least to hyphenate. Since I'd told him before engagement I'd never take a man's name, his blockheadedness on the whole thing really pissed me off.

Jennifer

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