Changing names, Pt. 1,573

In Cary Tennis's advice column today, we have a woman asking the question that has a recent resurgence in popularity: Should I change my name when I marry?

Usually in these letters or columns or whatever, there is a lot of dissembling and making excuses for the sudden about-face. The writer who is changing her name or thinking about changing her name always thought she would keep her name, always wanted to keep her name, and assumed that wouldn't be a problem until the engagement and the full-on press from the husband-to-be to change her name. And it's looking like it will just be easier to give in than fight about it. But she doesn't want to be the kind of person who gives in rather than fights, so the letter/column is about how she has suddenly realized, with his help or usually all on her own, that changing your name is the right decision.

But this woman is a breath of fresh air, since she is not full of shit:

Of course, I find myself head over heels with a nice traditional man who, while he doesn't expect me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, always assumed that I'd take his last name. That's not to say that he doesn't respect me, my abilities and my beliefs, and he's hardly insisting. But I know it would mean a lot to him.

I like her honesty. I would tell her to ask for money from him, but only because I'm snotty brat and I think it would be funny. You know, he asks her to change her name and she says, "What will you pay me?" When he says that she should should do it for free, she can accuse him of accusing her of being cheap, that she would sell out her ideals for no cash at all. When he says she should do it out of love, then of course the reply is, "What will you give up for me that's even close to giving up the name that means so much to me?"

Because it seems to me that if a man really loves a woman who loves her own name, then he wouldn't ask her to go through this. And in reality, if a man asked me to change my name, that's exactly what I would say.

I will say that this letter is a little silly.

And what woman, no matter how citified and modern, hasn't doodled her love's last name? Even though I know that you can have a close family without sharing a name, the idea of taking his name does have appeal in a purely romantic sense.

I can honestly say that I've never doodled my first name with anyone's last name. I have always thought that it was pretty silly. But then again, I'm weird. In my elementary school days, I was also the party-pooper who pointed out that it was unlikely that any of us would marry someone from our 3rd grade class, no matter what the results of the MASH game were.

Luckily, Cary Tennis advises her to keep her name if it's important to her. Often in our culture women feel the pressure to change their name or give in on a myriad of other "small" things because it's wise to pick your battles. And it is wise to pick your battles--but that's a standard that should apply to both sexes. I firmly believe that it's occasionally healthy for a woman to fight it out with her man over some stupid thing and teach him the wisdom of picking his own battles. Because if she gives in on every "small" thing and he never does, the resentment will build and build and one day he won't have any clue why he's come home and his stuff is all out on the lawn and the locks are changed. And no one wants that.