Exhausting

Just reading the coverage of the RNC is exhausting. I had a stress headache yesterday and I think a lot of it was looking at the stream of self-congratulating wankers that are the Republican leadership. Talking to my sister tonight and realizing that people are actually managing to believe both that Bush's draft dodging is no big deal but that Kerry is a wimp for going to war and then coming back and facing down the whole goddamn government to their faces to explain his belief that the war was wrong.

I don't know what to think about it. I had a lot of thoughts swimming around my head about men and masculinity and feminism, for obvious reasons, as well.

There's only one thing to conclude--Americans are enamored of the idea of masculine courage, but only if it's an empty pose. Show some real guts, some real intergrity, and regardless of your sex, people run screaming. That's the only way I can make sense out of the fact that people are impressed with these morons.

I should have known better. When I was in high school, I was continually pissed off that a bunch of braindead, female-harassing jocks were considered the height of everything good and wonderful. Everyone seemed to actually believe that teenage boys who were so insecure in their own sexual identity that they had to grope girls like me in the hall just to put us in our place were the height of manly self-assuredness. I thought we would grow up and get over it. Some of us did.

But many, many people think that Bush is a Bigger Man than Kerry. And the reason is quite simple. Bush plays one on TV. He wears a uniform and dazzles with his self-assured stubborness. He would pinch you on the ass and laugh at you when you got mad. All the other boys who are also a little unsure of themselves would take comfort in that. Kerry on the other hand, like many veterans, has left the games behind him. Life isn't simple--you can tell by looking at Kerry that he knows that all people carry evil and bravery inside them at all times, and he knows because he's seen both. He's probably been both.

On TV, someone with a complex view of life can come off as dissembling and unsure of himself, in the same way that the nerdy debaters in high school came off as tedious and undersexed to their immature peers who were more impressed by bombast than intelligence. Growing up was a big delight to me, since I found out that nerds in high school often grow up to be the most impressive and intelligent and assured adults. Discovering that nerds have better sex because of their willingness to think thing through was a particular joy. It was so great that I forgot completely that a number of people never made that jump and still turn to bombastic fools for guidance.

I'm exhausted by the RNC and their empty displays. It truly is a bunch of sound and fury signifying nothing. It reminds me of a time that my boyfriend and I walked into a club and this truly awful band was playing and the lead singer was strutting around like a rooster thinking that he was a fucking great rock star, probably because some groupie sucked his dick once. I turned to my boyfriend and said, "Why doesn't he just whip it out and start jerking himself off? Same effect, but without the wretched music." Well, that's how I feel watching the parade of men on stage in their suits and ties with their big words about courage and various other things they know nothing about.