How to kiss ass so a man will like you

Ah, MSN advice, how I love you. Today's load of horseshit is all about how to be quiet and demure to trick men into liking you. Well, they call it how to be charming. The way to be charming, apparently, is to act totally charmed by other people. (This is actually good advice if all you are doing is trying to curry favor with someone. In dating, however, the object isn't currying favor--it's finding wuv. Or at least having fun, which is hard to do when you're busy manipulating someone into liking you.)

1. Graciousness. Those southern belles had the "it" factor in spades. Show kindness and courtesy in the old-fashioned way and people will notice. Use of "please," "thank you" and other display of kind manners will do. Don't interrupt — and chew with your mouth closed (no talking).

Okay, I'm not going to come out for talking with your mouth open or not having manners. But demure Southern womanhood is about far more than this. It's also about never stating your opinion, piling on flattery and pretending you were born yesterday. The last part of this advice (no talking) will be a theme of the rest of this advice.

2. Tight lips. Don't be an easy tell-all. Save some of the good stuff for later. This allows your date to truly experience the utterly charming you. Of course you don't want to come across as vague or evasive. Avoid spilling a lot of details up front. Save your relationship dramas if you've got 'em and detailed personal life stories for when you care about the person and the feeling is reciprocated.

No details, no personal stories, nothing. Wait until he cares about you to give him something to care about. This advice is effective because if you keep telling him you'll tell him later, he'll keep coming back to hear these amazing stories that are too good to spill right off the bat and then he'll be your husband before you know it. Or something like that.

Well, let him do all the talking. Keep it simple. Anyway, you don't need to use your voice because you have other tools.

3. Body language reveals. More than 90 percent of our communication may be communicated non verbally, that is through body language. Positive body language such as good posture and eye contact, a genuine smile (see tip below), sincere nodding and other friendly gestures will win you more favor than any words. Ditch patronizing touches, signs of nervousness and displays of closed or invasive body language. If you feel like you trust the person, show it. Likewise, if you feel inclined toward the person, it's okay to flirt.

Simple--see? Don't spill details, just chew with your mouth closed and nod a lot. Maybe an occasional open-ended question. He'll be utterly charmed by you, especially if he's utterly charmed by himself.

4. Curry favor. Show your interest if it's genuine. Ask open-end questions. Remember, people generally love to talk about themselves so make sure more than half your conversation time is about them. The more you listen, the more you may endear yourself to someone.

Curry favor to curry favor. Well, what if you don't think dating you is a "favor"? Shush, single woman! This man could save you from spinsterhood, so you'd better be grateful!

Now we have some more advice that is so good you could be a Republican politician's wife if you don't spoil it.

*The eyes have it Keep your gaze on the guy; don't break eye contact until after he has finished speaking. Indeed there is a biological reaction to having a "sticky" gaze. It can spark the same reaction we have when we fall in love: increased heartbeat and boosts in an adrenalinelike substance which flows through the veins. Plus, when you consciously increase your eye contact on him, he'll feel like he has captivated you.

Gaze at him adoringly. Who doesn't like being adored? He'll like it so much he'll keep you around so you can adore him all the time. Granted, this can be hard work, but what else are you going to do? Get a job?

*Be slow to smile Don't smile so easily or frequently. Instead, make it a slow smile. This will not only boost your allure factor, but you'll also be perceived with more credibility and integrity than a constantly grinning person. Look at his face for a bit. Pause. Take it in. Now smile.

It's not fun to be adored by a person who just hands it out. Don't be a smile slut, just smiling at everyone. He won't feel like the most important person in the world, which he must feel or he won't have you. (How about if I--shush, single woman!)

To make this technique particularly effective, I suggest hiding from anyone who isn't the man you're adoring. Ever known anyone who had a shy dog that would only come out for its owner? Didn't that owner feel special? Be that dog. He will want to be your owner.