Women are so damn annoying

Earlier this week we dealt with ways men can avoid annoying women, only one of which was drawn from real life, which is that yes, the toilet seat thing is pretty annoying. So I suppose it's only fair to go over advice to us broads on how to avoid annoying your man. Sadly, the term "bitch switch" is nowhere to be seen.

We girls can be whiny, moody, high-maintenance… and that’s the better part of the month. Sometimes we’re monsters on heels. Yet men still go out with us. Why do they put up with it? It must be because we’re hot.

And MSN is here to tell you how to hang onto that man who can barely stand you if it weren't for the pussy.

“But I thought he liked it when I talked in my baby voice,” you’re probably saying. Nope, he doesn’t.

Unless you're Marilyn Monroe or any of the other baby-voiced actresses that are sooooo sexy.

The tips:

Shut up.

I'm not even going to bother to cut and paste the rest of that paragraph. We all know the story, from TV, movies, comedy shows, etc. Men would be perfectly happy, we are told, never to hear a female voice again. For all the people who tell me this, I just say, "Yeah right." Any guy who says this deserves to be roundly ignored by his wife or girlfriend. My money is he'll last 15, 20 minutes tops before he's lingering around her like a cat who wants to sit between you and your book.

Hang up. Being a “Cell Phone Joan” falls into the same category as telling unsolicited stories. Scaling back the mobile monologues is easy if you make an effort. Save all lengthy conversations for your commute. When you call your best friend at 5:30 and hang up at 6, she understands that you’re multi-tasking. If you’re with your man, limit the calls to making quick plans or of course, wardrobe emergencies with said best friend. It’d be great if you could cut if off all together but we’re taking baby steps here.

Okay. See what I mean? You're not supposed to talk with your man, but god forbid you talk to anyone but him. Which is it, lady?

I guess the solution is not to talk at all, but linger around him gazing at him in adoration. Don't be discouraged if this makes him nervous and he thinks he has a booger or something. Try to drain all sparks of intelligence out of your eyes, too, as that might seem like you're fixing to say something at any moment. Sure, you may get put in a mental institution, but true love is worth the effort.

Hurry up. Ah, this is a classic and a tough one to tackle. Our routine requires more than splashing water on our heads and running out the door, shirt optional. We have to primp, groom and address unwanted body hair. So to avoid having to respond to, “Are you ready yet?” every seven minutes, try to de-dawdle.

Or just yell back, "No, goddamit! I said I'd be ready at 7, and it's only 6:30!" Actually, don't take my relationship advice. I come from a family of screamers.

For starters, avoid putting on make-up while watching television. If I could restrain from watching Katie Couric and putting on mascara at the same time, I swear I would cut back by morning routine by a good four minutes.

This woman's boyfriend hovers over her asking if she's ready yet while she's getting dressed for work? And she thinks she's the annoying one?

Eat up. Yes, we’ve all heard: Your butt is too wide, your thighs are too jiggly and every time you wear your low-rise jeans, your rant shifts to your lower back fat.

Jeez. Thanks.

Now if you ask your man if he thinks you look fat, he’s inevitably going to say, “No.” And if he’s trained properly, he’ll add, “You’re the skinniest girl in the room.”

Which I now know to interpret as a lie. Jeez. Thanks.

So why ask? Does this rehearsed validation give you the confidence to wear a tube top despite your fear of arm flab?

Yes. What's it to you?

Whether it’s all true or part of your sick weight dementia, leave him out of it.

Where you get the idea that women need to be skinny to please a man, I don't know. Surely it has nothing to do with people telling you that if you weren't hot, no man would put up with your annoying ass for a minute.

Leave the weight whining to when you’re sitting around with your girlfriends, cursing your saddle bags over some ice cream.

Men can't be bothered with that stuff. Save it for his social inferiors. And make sure to eat with your man and later with your girlfriends and as much as is put in front of you and stay thin but never, even worry about it.

Hey, we’re not perfect. But luckily, neither are they (to say the least).

Just better than you.

However, if we’re gonna be so darn good-looking, it would be nice to have a perfect disposition, personality and intelligence to match. Now that would really annoy them.

I too would be annoyed to find that someone had left the house, leaving a manniquen behind and thought that would fool me.