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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Seven things men do that drive women nuts

Sadly, one of them is not write stupid articles like this one at MSN, which isn't the fault of men, but just one man--the writer, Alan Goldsher. I don't know if he's lashing out because his job is to write articles that reinforce tired stereotypes, but for some reason he has to smear the good names of his betters.

I believe it was Socrates who said, “Women are insane, and men are dumb.” Then again, it might’ve been Anaïs Nin. Or maybe Simone de Beauvoir.

Three people well-known for sticking closely to social expectations and refusing to make a fuss, I'll tell you what.

Anyway, onto the 7 things that drive women nuts. And no, one of them is not "join the Promise Keepers." Actually, it's the 7 things you need to do to avoid driving women nuts, so there's a sort of positive slant to the whole thing.

Put the toilet seat down.

Here you go, anti-feminists who are always asking in fakey incredulous tones of voice whether or not we feminists think men and women are different: I think men can pee standing up and women can't. (At least not in the tall toilet.) And no, that wasn't so hard. I guess I was wrong. We do only deserve 75 cents on a man's dollar.

Clean up
Men are neat, while women are clean.

Once again, I am worried that my man and I are so confused about our gender roles that we are going to be the subject of an outraged column at Townhall. I am certain that it was my boyfriend who put my shoes where I can't find them in a frenzy of cleaning, but I guess it must have been me.

To elaborate: A guy’s place may look perfect; for example, all of his “art” is in its place on the shelves, and the floor is empty of shoes, remote controls, and various other dude detritus. But when your girl examines the shelf area under that aforementioned “art,” there’s a 75% chance she’ll come upon a half-inch coating of dust.

I know I always wore white gloves on dates.

Girls, on the other hand, may have a pile of to-be-put-away clean clothes on her bedroom floor, but at least their space is clean. Get it?

Not really. But I ran my finger under one of the paintings on the wall and it was dusty. The good news is that I can blame my boyfriend. The bad news is I have to clean it, since he doesn't read MSN.

Be emotionally available

Whatever that means.

If you tell her you’ll call her on Thursday, call her on Thursday
You’re not in high school anymore. Quit playing head games, and get dialing.

But what if you're "just not that into her"? How else is she supposed to know you're only using her for sex?

Groom yourself
Based on personal experience, I know women dislike walking down the street with a guy who doesn’t keep his fingernails clipped, or his shirt and pants relatively wrinkle- and hole-free, or his armpits un-stinky.

That's the main reason--they want everyone else to oooh and aah over their boyfriend who takes showers. It has nothing to do with the fact that it's easier to be near someone who showers.

Put together an original night out
Dinner and a movie? C’mon, you did that last week. And the week before. And the week before that. One more week, and you’ve officially entered Dullsville. Take her bowling, or to a museum… or any place other than to dinner and a movie.

Or a strip club.

Be romantic
If your girlfriend finds out one of her girlfriend’s boyfriend gave her a dozen “just because” roses – and the only “just because” gift you’ve ever given your girl is a ticket to a Cleveland Indians game – she’ll want to throttle you.

Unless of course she's an Indians fan. In that case, dump her, since she can't be a woman, as women hate sports. In fact, if she notes that her friend got a present and seems to just be happy for her friend and isn't burning with jealousy, dump her. Real women don't actually like their friends and only keep them around for comparison reasons. And if she says something like, "That's sweet but I think that $100 for 12 flowers is a little ridiculous, don't you," run, don't walk away. A lack of frivolity is a dangerous trait in a woman.

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Blogger Roxanne said...

I've never understood that "emotionally available" thing. What does it mean?

1/12/2005

 
Blogger Rivki said...

I hate that "women don't like sports" stereotype. I want a romantic proposal during the seventh inning stretch of a Yankees game dammit! I like to veg out on the couch to baseball games and soccer and even golf. I like sports. And I'm pretty undeniably female.

1/12/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

My take is that "emotionally available" is a nice way of saying, "Alright, I listen to everything you have to say, would it kill you to listen to me every once in awhile?" Just a guess.

1/12/2005

 
Blogger bitchphd said...

Actually, women can pee standing up. It just takes a little practice. All ya gotta do is spread the inner labia with your fingers and pull up a little bit. Seriously. Once you get the feel of it down, you can aim and everything.

Very handy in the outdoors, or freaky beach toilets, or while travelling in strange places, or just to impress people.

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Blogger zuzu said...

Men are neat, while women are clean.Obviously, this guy hasn't seen my apartment.

1/12/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or mine. It almost feels like he's making things up.

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1/12/2005

 
Blogger Amazonfemme said...

"Men are neat, while women are clean."

Nah. My husband and I are BOTH slobs.

"...she can't be a woman, as women hate sports."

::nodnodnod:: And we don't know anything at all about sports, either - because, y'know, our heads are filled with the latest info about stiletto heels and waxing.

If I hear one more person seriously say (or even imply) that women-as-a-gender hate sports, I'm going to beat him (or her) over the head with a fungo bat and make him (or her) eat my baseball glove.

1/12/2005

 
Blogger heydt said...

I know very little about sports. I make jokes that start out, "Football? Is that the game with the hoops, and the ice?..." Recently my best friend quizzed me about what sports figures I might know off the top of my head, and I was somewhat surprised at how many I knew. (She was surprised at which ones I knew.. evidently I knew some fairly obscure people, but not some more famous ones.)

The only sport I watch at all is F1... and that's because she and her husband got me into it. I don't even drive, so it's hard for me to grasp some of the car stuff, but Formula1 is _fascinating_...

So to recap... Boy (me) knows very little about sports (and has less interest) except for the fancy-smancy euro auto racing (which I don't entirely comprehend, not being into cars). Girl know much more, in fact more interested in football and such than her husband. From my exhaustive sample of 3, I conclude that girls are much more interested in sports than boys. I will conclude that this is obviously genetic, since boys don't have the focus to concentrate on fast moving objects, and should be steered to calmer activities such as flower arranging.

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Do Not Forget the Teeth : Often the care of teeth and gums is overlooked as potential health risks.

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Body Fat : When you think about losing weight, more importantly than weight is the amount of fat you are carrying around.

Do Not Forget the Teeth : Often the care of teeth and gums is overlooked as potential health risks.

Be Careful with the Sun : Everyone loves basking in the warm sun, especially if it is lying on a beautiful sandy beach.

Give your Eyes a Rest : Most jobs in today's society require the use of a computer.

Breast Exams : Make sure you conduct regular breast examines.

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Squats : Squats are excellent for glutes, hamstrings, quads, and calves.

Get to the Gym : Working out at home is a good option and for some people

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Bowling : Get some exercise by joining a bowling league.

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Body Fat : When you think about losing weight, more importantly than weight is the amount of fat you are carrying around.

Do Not Forget the Teeth : Often the care of teeth and gums is overlooked as potential health risks.

Be Careful with the Sun : Everyone loves basking in the warm sun, especially if it is lying on a beautiful sandy beach.

Give your Eyes a Rest : Most jobs in today's society require the use of a computer.

Breast Exams : Make sure you conduct regular breast examines.

Make Time for Intimacy : If you are married, be sure to make time for intimacy in your relationship.

Puffy Eyes : If you battle with puffy eyes or dark circles that make you look worn out, do not feel alone.

FITNESS : Fitness is just as important as health, and in reality, fitness correlates directly with our health.

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