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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Let's hear it for divorce!

This poor woman who wrote to Cary Tennis this morning needs a cheerleading squad.

I am married to the man of my dreams -- except for one thing: He won't touch me. I'm not just talking about sex; I mean he's averse to basic human contact. We're down to a chaste kiss as he leaves for work, an occasional hug when I ask, and sometimes another chaste good-night kiss before he turns his back to me and falls asleep.

Yep, she needs to leave him. I know--easier said than done. But what people don't like to talk about is that starving someone for sex and affection year after year after year can drive them insane. This woman is putting up with insults from the man who supposedly loves her that would likely make her slap a stranger who said these things to her.

For the first several years of our marriage, he blamed my weight as the sole reason we were not having sex. Let me clarify that I am an attractive woman with a beautiful face, long blond hair and a curvy, voluptuous body, which many men find very attractive -- just not my husband. He told me about five years into the marriage that he'd felt deceived, that he'd believed I would change and lose weight.

Divorce is too good for the person who marries and then starts attacking their spouse and telling them they have to "earn" love--how was she supposed to know that he didn't find her attractive? He married her, didn't he?

The letter-writer has an affair, which causes her husband all sorts of grief. Frankly, he should have taken a pill and looked at the bright side--he gets to keep his wife without to make love to her. She set it up so he wins all around. Of course, he doesn't see it that way. So now that the husband has learned the hard way that contrary to popular belief, women really do want sex, he's given in to the occassional obligatory night of romance, letting her know that she should be slaveringly grateful for any attention in the most romantic way possible.

Every once in a while (three times last year), my husband takes pity on me and says that it's time to reset the clock. That means we do the deed. Then I can no longer say, "Come on, honey, it's been three (four, five, six) months since we made love," since the clock is reset to zero. After such a resetting, it is an unspoken rule that I am not supposed to ask again for a really long time.

Okay, we've all been nasty to people we're supposed to love. At what point do you take a look at yourself and say that for all the grief you've been giving this person, you may actually hate him or her?

So what's the hold-up? Why hasn't she kicked him to the curb? Well, it turns out that she's bought the whole story that it's selfish to get divorced, that you are a failure if you do it, and that you have to "work" at marriage. Of course, we all know who does most of the "work" in a marriage that needs working on. She lost a bunch of weight and puts up with his shit and goes to counseling and tries to understand. He does the hard work of condescending to fuck her once in awhile as long as she understands that he's doing her a huge favor. And through all this, she still manages to find a way to avoid feeling selfish by making it clear to Cary that she wants basic human things not for herself; oh no, this if for the children. Or the lack of.

I'm starting to go a little crazy from being starved for simple affection. And, yes, for sex, too. And deep down, I fear that I will never have a family, something which is extremely important to me (and, I thought, to him).

Cary tells her nicely to kick this guy to the curb. This is why I'm sick of people who bemoan how our divorce rate is so high because people are selfish. (And we all know what sex the selfish people are that are pictured by the person saying this.) Rarely will you people regret their divorces--each individual divorce has a very good reason for it. Mostly you'll just hear people regretting getting married in the first place, as this woman will be doing very soon down the line. Her husband, if he has any ability to self-examine, will be regretting screwing the whole thing up.

In Texas, we joke about the "Your Honor, he needed killing" defense. Well, some people just need divorcing. It'll do this guy some good to be dumped on his ass. It's the only way he's going to learn that he can't just walk all over someone like this and expect loyalty in return. Or learn that if he doesn't like sex, then it's not right to get into conjugal relationships.

I'm sick of everyone picking on the fine institution of divorce. All we see is the negative part--it breaks up marriages, it's sad, boo-hoo. We neglect to note that for many, if not most, people who divorce, by the time they are pushed to it, they are so miserable that divorce is like getting freed from prison. I think we should have a Divorce Appreciation Day, if for no other reason than helping people like this have the opportunity to see divorce in a different light--not as a sign of failure, but as a long overdue escape route.

407 Comments:

Blogger zuzu said...

He told me about five years into the marriage that he'd felt deceived, that he'd believed I would change and lose weight.What a motherfucking ass. Yet typical of someone who doesn't want to admit that he bears any responsibility for things going bad.

2/23/2005

 
Blogger Trish said...

He told me about five years into the marriage that he'd felt deceived, that he'd believed I would change and lose weight.I had the same reaction - what a motherfucking ass. I wonder how much he's gone to pot since they married? His withholding of sex and affection is cruel. I bet there's much more going on than that woman had talked about.

2/23/2005

 
Blogger djw said...

In my more conciliatory moments, I try to look for common ground with social conservatives--the ones that seem like reasonable, cool guys with humane sensibilities I can relate to. People like Hugo and Russell Arben Fox. Issues relating to gay rights are out in terms of compromise for me (I should note that Hugo is on the side of the angels here, of course). Sometimes, listening to a mild-mannered, cool guy social conservative take on divorce, I'm tempted to nod my head here and there. Yes, notions of storybook romance distort our expectations. Yes, marriage does appear, statistically, to happiness and social stability, especially for children, etc. I don't ever quite get to the point of wavering in my support for no-fault divorce laws, but I've come close.

Then, of course, I pull my head out of my ass and look around. There may be trivial divorces out there, but really, when I look around amongst people I know and have known, I see far more people who probably should consider divorce and don't or won't than people who regret a divorce. Actually, I've never met anyone in the latter category. No one.

Divorce is essential to freedom. Two things are clear about the current incarnation of the human animal: we change, and we screw up. Both might lead to divorce being the best of a number of options, none of which are ideal. When people recognize they changed or screwed up and the result has been they're in the wrong career, do we consider them moral failures for pursuing another career? Hell no! The ability to have another crack at happiness when you've changed of screwed up is one of the great accomplishments of the modern world (and I know that ability isn't equally available to all in many cases). We desperately need to stop stigmatizing it.

2/23/2005

 
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Oh man, this made me SO MAD. "Reset the clock" alone is so. cold.

I went over to Table Talk today and read the posters' comments, and eventually the wife posted. She hadn't listened to a damn thing- said she refused to leave him, refused to sleep around on him, refused to do ANYTHING, still, but try to make this man love her. It ended with a forlorn "do you really think there's no hope?"

Jesus H. Christ, lady, the clue bat is smacking you upside the head for 14 years! He doesn't love you! If you cried and begged at his feet every day for him to touch you, he still won't do it! You cannot make someone do what you want them to do when he doesn't want to do it! Will the man even NOTICE if you leave him? I think not!

Grrrr. Yes, YAY for divorce in this case.

2/23/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He's a closet case, and unwilling to admit it or be a gent and not blame her.

NancyP

2/23/2005

 
Blogger Elinor said...

Wow. This situation makes me sad. And her explanation here, from the discussion:

"We reconciled when it became apparent that, despite all of our problems, we were both seeking each other out every weekend, still calling each other every day, generally missing each other and valuing more than ever all of the things we stood to lose if we divorced. We both thought it was worth another shot, and I don't regret taking that shot."

Except that he clearly didn't make much of an effort to take that shot, if he's still doing the "let's reset the clock" bullshit.

And seriously, when a long-term couple separates, missing each other is what happens. If you are more used to being together than to being apart, you WILL want to call each other and seek each other out. That doesn't automatically mean you ought to be together.

I'd be sympathetic if this were a dry spell in what had been an active sex life; most couples have those, and I'd be pretty devastated and angry if my spouse cheated on me because I had been stressed out/sick/grieving/medicated/uninterested for a few months. But it sounds like he has NEVER been physically affectionate with her, nor does he EVER intend to be in the future, nor is he willing to have her get her needs met elsewhere. Which is crap.

2/23/2005

 
Blogger Ron said...

What a selfish, unaware asshole this guy is. Blaming her weight for his sexual issues. Too bad she didn't leave him right then. He doesn't deserve her.

2/23/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So I found this interesting (and sad too, of course) because my parents did the same thing...but the sexes were reversed. And dad never cheated on mom in retaliation. And mom finally did file for divorce four years ago (it's still not settled).

But all the witholding of affection/intimacy (not to mention sex) by one party because 1) said party doesn't like touching and 2) power games definitely went on. They (that 'they' there is I think the medical community, but whatever) used to have a name for this: frigidity. It was applied exclusively (or nearly) to women, and isn't heard much anymore, probably because someone noticed that making not wanting to have sex with your husband a disease was sexist and stupid. On the other hand, my mom wasn't exactly forced to marry my dad, and he certainly never forced himself on her in any way (except early in the marraige when he refused to allow her to use a certain racist slur in his house; it's one of the very few times he ever stood up to her, and had to get her mother to side with him to even win that battle). But she still almost never touched him, and rarely allowed him to touch her.

Most of you being of the fairer sex, I'm curious: does it change things in your view if it goes the other way?

--dhw

2/23/2005

 
Blogger Lance Mannion said...

Taking the woman at her word, which is always a leap of faith when reading letters from the lovelorn, but I'm willing to take the leap---taking her at her word that she is attractive (and I don't expect she means anything more than averagely so nor that she should have to be anything more than that) and accepting that she has told us everything about this guy and hasn't left out things like war wounds, six kinds of heart medications, chronic depression, or an 80 hour a week job as the only doc in a very busy emergency room that leaves him exhausted, frustrated, stressed, and borderline suicidal---then I think Nancy P's diagnosis is the only logical one.

No straight guy is going to think he is anything other than blessed if he's married to a good looking woman who wants to fuck him.

If he was just a run of the mill asshole and sadist he'd find other ways to punish her.

Or he is a secret polygomist whose other three wives leave him so drained that all he wants out of this wife is a quiet place to rest up.

Nope. Thinking it over. Four wives who want sex? That's straight guy heaven.

He has to be gay.

2/23/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Nancy and Lance. He is gay.

2/23/2005

 
Anonymous Andrew said...

My first thought was that he could be asexual.

2/23/2005

 
Anonymous Reba said...

My late sister framed her divorce certificate when it came. She was deliriously happy - and this after having left the man years before the divorce was final. Sometimes, it's a fine thing to divorce - like when your husband beats you and locks you out of the house half-naked in winter. Yeah, like then.

Married couples sometimes go through periods where one or the other is incapable of or disinterested in sex. That's perfectly normal. Withholding affection until someone meets your impossible requirements is just cruelty. Three times a year, and grudgingly at that? I'd be SO gone.

What really pisses me off is the whole "I thought you'd change" bullshit excuse. People do. not. change. just because someone else wants them to and if they try to do so, everyone ends up miserable. At least that's what I've observed. I am constantly astounded by the number of intelligent people I've heard say "but I know he/she is really good deep down inside..." You know what? Sometimes, they're assholes all the way to the center. No reason to lick the lollipop forever to find that out.

2/23/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

My guess is that he's asexual. Regardless, he needs to face up to it and cut her loose.

2/23/2005

 
Blogger zuzu said...

There's a poster at a board I used to frequent whose second marriage, after she accepted Jesus Christ as her personal savior, was to a man who happily accepted her wish not to have sex before the marriage but then also refused to have sex with her more than a handful (and I mean a handful) of times in the few years since. My god, the rationalizations she used.

I can understand having a marriage that's not based on sex if that's what the partners are clear on at the beginning, but the withholding from one side or the other, combined with jealousy of the "denied" partner seeking refuge elsewhere, is just vile.

My sister's going through a divorce right now where her husband is pulling some of the same crap that this woman's husband is -- he walked up to her and said "I think I just have the wrong wife." I'm sure it's not helping that his ex-girlfriend was a long-lasting contestant on America's Top Model. However, my sister is 13 years older than her husband and not afraid to call him on his bullshit, so she threw that back at him.

Sounds like this woman doesn't have a strong enough identity to demand what's good for her or leave.

2/23/2005

 
Blogger Omar said...

He told me about five years into the marriage that he'd felt deceived, that he'd believed I would change and lose weight.Pfft. That's the worst lie I've heard for at least an hour.

2/23/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to this emotionally abused woman, I just wanna say this:

Honey, he's gay-move on. It's you who has been deceived. If you check his computer, you'll probably find some pictures of Jeff Gannon.

He needs divorcin', I agree. Find yourself a man who richly deserves a beautiful whole lotta woman like you!

-grandma pajamahadeen (ncyellowdog)

2/24/2005

 
Anonymous mythago said...

No straight guy is going to think he is anything other than blessed if he's married to a good looking woman who wants to fuck him.Wrong-ola.

I don't know that the guy's gay. There's certainly SOMETHING going on. I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is merely a control game and he's got umpty-ump girlfriends on the side.

It doesn't really matter, though. What matters is this woman can't, or won't, get her head out of her ass to realize that she has to actually DO SOMETHING to fix her situation. Namely, dumping the fucker.

2/24/2005

 
Blogger Elinor said...

Yeah, I don't think it's just that he's gay (although that could be part of it). Most of the gay men I've known didn't object to touching women in a platonic/friendly way (hugs, etc.), and it sounds like this guy does.

In a way, I wonder if it would be easier for her if he were gay. As it is, it appears that she's the only one who's unhappy; he has the relationship he wants (or would if she didn't show him how miserable it makes her). If he were gay (assuming that she accepts that people can't change their sexual orientation through force of will) she could tell herself that this relationship was thwarting both of them, that breaking up would be good for him too, and she might not feel that it was selfish to leave.

2/24/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have mixed feelings. The guy's a horse's ass, of course. But he's a not horse's ass becaue he won't have sex - that might, for whatever reason, not be something he can do. Even the lack of any physical affection isn't what makes him a horse's ass; some people who know they can't satisfy their spouses sexually may pull away from cuddling from shame, and fear that they'll be seen to be promising something they can't deliver. No, what makes him a horse's ass is how he responds to her unhappiness about the situation, and that bullshit business about telling her five years into the marriage that the whole problem was her failure to lose weight.

Also, my list of reasons why you should try to prod someone else out the door who's made it clear she's not willing to divorce is really short; basically, it's limited to things that affect physical safety. Is one person being beaten? Are the kids being molested? Is someone building a bomb in the basement? Then, whatever sympathy you may feel for the person who's still trying to hold the marriage together, all advice should be toward ending the marriage, and the only place you should direct that person is out the door. For any other marital grievance - infidelity, radical mismatch on whether to have kids, mismatched sexual orientations, lack of sex - the people actually in the marriage are the ones who get to say when it's a deal breaker.

(This also affects my view of "covenant marriage": as long as the law is written so it preserves people's ability to get out of actually abusive situations, it probably doesn't do marriage any particular good because no one's choosing it anyway, but it's also not letting people give up anything they're not entitled to choose to give up. On the other hand, the freedom to escape abuse is so fundamental that you shouldn't even be permitted to forgo it for your own future self.)

Most of you being of the fairer sex, I'm curious: does it change things in your view if it goes the other way? Only my most likely diagnoses of the problem of the person not wanting sex. She'd be equally a horse's ass if she handled her sexual problem in the same way this man is handling his. And both men and women are equally entitled to sexual dry spells, ill health, depression, etc., if they handle the situation with better grace than this guy does.

I can understand having a marriage that's not based on sex if that's what the partners are clear on at the beginning,

Or even if it wasn't what either intended at the beginning, but is something they're confronted with together (e.g. chronic health problems) and are prepared to support each other through. The health angle is one reason I feel very strongly about it being OK to stick out a marriage that is short on sex. But even a guy who's on six different heart medications ought to find a way to adjust gracefully enough to be willing to cuddle, and not to go out of his way to tell his wife she's unattractive.

She's entitled to continue to believe that something else about him makes it worth putting up with his crappy way of handling their sexual differences, and I wouldn't tell her to divorce. I do think, though, that she should forget about having kids with him.

Lynn Gazis-Sax

2/24/2005

 
Anonymous The Birdwoman said...

This echos something I've believed for some time. That this idea - that if a relationship (or, heaven forbid, a marriage) ends, that it's somehow a failure or a disaster - is a stupid idea. People change. If two people who were previously madly in love decide they don't fancy each other any more, well, what's wrong with that? Doesn't mean the relationship was a mistake, if they both got something good out of it at the time. And the breakup can also be a good thing. Why do some people not get that?

2/24/2005

 
Blogger Sapphire7 said...

I agree with the previous posts. He has what he wants. He obviously doesn't want to confront his issues with sex (whatever they are), so he avoids it and blames her in a very passive-aggressive way. There is no way a normal person in a marriage could last that long without affection. My parents were unhappy and dysfunctional, but they hugged each other from time to time. (They divorced after 35 years.)

They could really use some marital counseling - or even individual therapy. They need someone to help them see the light. If they truly love each other and want to start over, they need some expert help.

How terribly sad.

Of course, we don't know the whole story. No one can ever see inside someone else's marriage.

2/24/2005

 
Anonymous Julian Elson said...

I do enjoy the comedic value of "Divorce Appreciation Day," but at the same time I always shudder when people take a least-bad alternative and act as if it's good. It's like in March of 2003, when the Iraq hawks were all like, "we're kicking ass! War rules!" I think that there were reasonable grounds for disagreement on Iraq (though the hawks were wrong, but even the most reasonable people get it wrong sometimes), but it really chilled me to see people going around, not with an attitude of "war's terrible, but this is the only choice that isn't worse," but "yeah! Daisycutters! MOABs! Let's kick some aaaass!"

Of course, divorce doesn't kill, but I don't think a bad (but least bad vis-a-vis alternatives) thing is nice. My dad had an amicable divorce with his first wife, and they had no kids, and they're on good (though rather distant) terms today, and both happily remarried, and I guess I don't think it's a bad thing (not least 'cuz I wouldn't be around if they hadn't split), but... I just feel like the seperation of two people who tried to make intimacy and commitment work is overall, a sad thing.

Of course, I'm probably taking the whole "Divorce Appreciation Day" thing waaaaaay too seriously. It's not like anyone in congress is proposing it :^).

2/24/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In her letter, the woman mentions that she feels that they are really good partners in everything platonic, but that it all breaks down when it comes to sex. Now, she could just be fooling herself into thinking that the sex is the only sticking point (and I might think she is, considering what a jerk he is about it), but if it really is the only thing they have problems with I can see why she doesn't want to divorce him. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now, and we're just incredibly right for eachother. Except that I want sex quite a bit, and he's a once-a-month guy. Which is a problem. He isn't like her husband, he never blames it on me and he's really affectionate beyond the no sex...but he's just not interested very often, and he hates kissing. When he's interested in sex, its wonderful. This causes a lot of problems, because I know he looks and porn and is interested in that...and we had a lot of sex at first. The problems seep into every other aspect of our relationship...I feel unattractive and unwanted even despite his very loving attempts to reassure me to the contrary. I think, in my case, that in the past year or so that the sex has been sparse is due to something that can be worked on...but oh, it hurts. The woman who wrote that letter seems to have a husband who is being emotionally abusive about the subject, unlike my boyfriend...but disregarding that, and assuming that things are as rosy otherwise as she paints them I can see her not wanting to leave him, even as it is ripping her up that he's not touching her. I ask myself all the time if that is a situation I want to deal with forever. Because, while I love my boyfriend, and I feel like this is something we can work out, it might never work out. I am really afraid that it might degenerate towards what this woman is experiencing: no real affection whatsoever. In my case, if it got that bad I'd have to leave, but I can see where she might come out on the other side.

2/24/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Once a month? You're a saint. If like a week goes by, I decide that I have suddenly turned into a snaggle-toothed wench that no one will ever want to touch again. But nevermind my personal neuroses--to each his own, but I would caution that if he's making you feel unloved, whether he means to or not, that probably will end up being a poison.

2/24/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Came for the Koufax, stayed for the content. Congratulations, and I look forward to reading more!

This poor woman in question needs to ease out of her marriage gradually. She tried a separation and felt bereft of emotional contact; her husband is her best friend--and nothing more. Best friends, however, are incredible sources of comfort.

Fanfare, please, for the Next Best Thing To Love! Join a club. Volunteer. Get active. Build up a circle of friends who validate you and your emotions. Find obligations. Be busy and useful in your own life. Maybe you'll find some close friends; maybe you'll find a potential roommate or prodigee or mentee.

If you get out there, give of yourself, you'll find that other people also appreciate you. And if you're as attractive as you portray yourself, you'll find someone with fewer sexual hangups who would like to share (and profit from--wink, wink!) a life as exciting as yours.

--Jackmormon

2/24/2005

 
Anonymous mythago said...

Anonymous, it doesn't sound as though your boyfriend is doing what the woman in the Salon letter's husband is doing--he doesn't set impossible standards for you to meet, he doesn't play power games of forbidding you to discuss the matter.

That said, it's one thing to have a lower libido, but I'd be rather suspicious if my guy read porn a lot but didn't want to actually have sex often.

2/25/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Voluptous? Come on now : code words for fat , overweight etc. Shes F.A.T. period.

No no , divorce the guy but no don't take any of His opinion in to account .. after all he is just the husband .. that means sperm donor and future alimony source right ? Ri-g-ht.

Don't get into shape or anything positive , and why should she. It's all his fault she's fat.

Where in hell do you women think that are obese are attractive? Only self-delusion could come to this conclusion. The husband has already made remarks that she's overweight.
Hmm .. could there be a connection between that and the lack of sex?

Oh I'm bored . " That's right honey divorce him" . I'm fat : " Oh, that's all right honey , divorce him". I like this other guy now: "Oh, that's alright honey, divorce him".

I wonder why the marriage rate is falling and women can't get guys to marry them? Any connection here ladies.

And.. try directly responding to my above critiques .. not emotionalized avoidance responses ..

2/27/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

My god, that made me want to get fat just to avoid attracting men like you.

2/27/2005

 
Blogger p'od said...

.. and Amanda makes my final sentence point for me .. that's like an "own goal" Amanada.

The cat would be your future partner after 30? lots and lots of cats.

2/27/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

The irony of your silly trolling attacks is that you are jumping all over two cats that were my boyfriend's pets before we lived together, and would live with him if ever we were to part.

2/27/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And.. try directly responding to my above critiques .. not emotionalized avoidance responses ..Hey, if he found her fat and unattractive, he didn't have to marry her. I don't care if she's 4'5" and 200 pounds; marrying her in the hopes that she'd become a different weight, and then telling her five sexless years into the marriage that she's the one at fault for not changing her weight, isn't kosher. I'm not telling her to divorce him, but it sure isn't her fault if he was marrying the woman she might become, rather than the woman she actually was.
And it does sound as if his sexual problem is his sexual problem; if he were all that keen on having a hot married sex life to begin with, he'd have married a woman he found hot, like most guys do.

I'm just fine with men who find skinny women sexier and don't date anyone they don't find sexy, but that's an entirely different thing from what this guy did.

I wonder why the marriage rate is falling and women can't get guys to marry them? Wonder away, but most women I know, myself included, don't have trouble finding guys to marry us. The overwhelming majority of people get married, and most of the people who don't get married don't want to. I'm not sure why there are so many net trolls trying to convince us that most women are in dire danger of becoming lonely spinsters, but, oh well. If it makes you feel better, imagine me as a grossly obese spinster surrounded by dozens of cats, and wondering why no man will look at me twice. Or else as a mean and frivolous woman who has dumped six husbands already for trivial reasons.

Lynn Gazis-Sax

2/28/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nope.

The marriage rate continues to fall off the chart. There is no "overwhelming majority of people getting married " . For example, in NYC there is over 600,000 unmarried women up to early 30's that can't find a partner.

Have fun til your early 30's , but don't expect some guy to come along
and suddenly marry you at that point. That's demographics and that is realism.

And just why is impossible to lose weight , excepting extremely unlikely truely medical grade problems. You eat less, excercise more. No mystery there, and no, I don't accept other excuses.

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