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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

The Angel of the House wants a checking account of one's own

I cannot wait for the day that David Brooks comes out and plainly states that he thinks that in order for the race, I mean, the nation to be strong, women must gracefully accept a subservient position. Through Steve Gilliard, we find that he's taken one step closer, pushing on from his columns in the past complaining how American women aren't making enough Aryan babies to keep our morals high and our finances strong to a column today complaining that the joint checking account is in decline. Apparently, if women control their own money, that means that the family is on the verge of collapse.

He warms us up by explaining the importance of "self-abnegation and sacrifice", the sort of loving female sacrifice that he illustrates with a story from Tolstoy. For without a woman at home, firmly under the thumb of her husband, with all herself turned over to children and husband and not a thing for herself, there is apparently no such thing as the pleasures of hearth and home. Sometimes I have to wonder if Brooks has put himself on a reading diet and allows himself to read nothing written after that nightmarish day that Virginia Woolf picked up a pen. He is a firm Victorian, completely convinced that a man's life is empty without the rustle of petticoats in his home, soothing the tired brain after a day of man-work.

It also illustrates how the family is a countervailing force in society. Public life is individualistic. It's oriented around goals like self-development, self-advancement and personal happiness. (This is, of course, even more true in America today than in the Russia of the 19th century.) The goal of family life, on the other hand, does not revolve around individual choices but around the unconditional union of souls. When we get married, and then when we have kids, we learn, sometimes traumatically, to say farewell to the world of me, me, me.

What this has to do with joint checking accounts, I couldn't say. But this paragraph does wipe away any notion that Brooks is alluding to anything but the Angel of the House philosophy from the Victorian era, a belief that there were two realms, the private/feminine one and the public/masculine one, and that women were to be relegated to the private one with their main duty to be subservient to men and make the home pleasant for men who were doing the hard, manly work in the public realm. Brooks avoids using gender-specific terms in this paragraph, but the fact that the only examples he uses of spouses who are too fond of their independence are wives makes it clear who he thinks has the duty of sacrificing for the private realm.

But some of the people quoted in Shellenbarger's article seem unaware that there may be a distinction between the individualistic ethos of the market and the communal ethos of the home. A Texas woman celebrated her family's separate accounts, remarking, "It's so freeing to be your own person, and not feel like someone is looking over your shoulder." It's not clear whether she's talking about a marriage or a real estate partnership.

What is wifehood if it's not having someone controlling your every decision, preferrably by hanging onto the purse strings? Brooks tries to horrify us by counting out a number of instances where married women dare maintain their own accounts and don't have to answer to a husband as if they were individuals with rights, sure that his audience understands that women's independence and marital intimacy are mutually exclusive.

The irony of all this is separate checking accounts have probably saved many a marriage, by making it easier for couples to avoid fighting about money.

If it weren't so infuriating that he has a column in the NY Times, these editorials detailing how women's independence threatens the home and therefore the morals of the nation, editorials where reguritates arguments used over a century ago against the peril facing the nation if women got the right to vote, it would be worth laughing off. I wish I made this much money rehashing fears that were disproven by 1950. But Brooks does have an influential platform and it's important to note that he's using it to convince us that things were better in the days of corsets and robber barons, even if he doesn't come right out and say it.

449 Comments:

Blogger Elayne said...

A joint checking account is a good idea if you're marrying someone who needs to get a green card, as Robin and I found out a bit late. We never opened a joint account 'cause he's self-employed and we thought it would be easier to separate business expenses from household expenses that way. I'd be curious to see if ALL kinds of banking accounts have diminished, not just joint ones, because it's getting hard enough to save up money nowadays as it is. You need to keep a minimum amount in most accounts in order to avoid fees, for instance, and many folks don't have that minimum! What confuses me the most is, does Brooks recommend any sacrifices on the man's part to this "saying farewell to the world of me, me, me," or is that just for women to do?

3/01/2005

 
Blogger fiat lux said...

Hubby and I have one checking account, one savings account, and one investment account. We do have a bunch of individual IRAs and 401Ks from various old jobs that were too much trouble to unify, though.

My husband didn't force me into this arrangement. I don't need his permission to access our finances and I don't see what's wrong with only having one set of accounts. Am I somehow less of a feminist because I don't have "an account of one's own"?

Brooks is a jerk, but please, let's not make how one arranges one's finances to be an item of feminist street cred.

3/01/2005

 
Blogger maurinsky said...

I don't think anyone is suggesting that it is anti-feminist to have a joint checking account. Bobo is trying to argue that it's horrible that women dare to be financially independent by having an individual account, which is ridiculous.

Elayne hit on it, IMO - my husband and I had to close our savings account because we couldn't keep up with their ever rising minimum balance. We do have an account with the credit union because they don't have a minimum balance requirement.

3/01/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Do what you like without feeling like I'm laying Feminist Guilt on you. But Brooks is the one who thinks separate checking accounts is too much independence for the little lady. And I have a quarrel with his idea that wife=sacrificing one's independence.

3/01/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

for me, the sentence that gets to the heart of it is "public life is individualistic." this strikes me as a paradox. if you equate public life with, say, the business world, i guess it makes some sense. but what about public life as civic life? life as part of a collective or a community?

3/01/2005

 
Blogger Lanoire said...

Brooks tries so very hard to use gender-neutral terms, but the fact is that women are the most likely to need that kind of independence. And women are the most likely to suffer if joint accounts become the norm.

Besides, does Brooks really think you stop being your own person when you get married? Or that married people never need any space--personal, emotional, financial, whatever--from each other?

3/01/2005

 
Anonymous SorchaRei said...

On one hand, I believe that any financial arrangements made by any couple are entirely their own business (and Brooks' presuming to try to scare us into doing it his way is gross and scary). On the other hand, a good friend of mine discovered the downside of not having a separate account when her husband died. For a variety of reasons, his death kicked off a process whereby all accounts with his name on them went into escrow for 90 days. Including their joint checking account. Into which the paycheck she received three days after he died was direct deposited. As a result, she had no access to her share of their funds, and found herself in a difficult financial situation.

I am not suggesting that this is going to happen to just anyone. They had circumstances that created this situation. My point is that it never occurred to either of them that this might happen.

As a result, I believe that it's important to know how your own individual situation will play out in the event of a partner's death.

Brooks is all about making sure that white women are staying home and having a lot of white babies. He's promoting a kind of ideal of the family that was ever only really available to men of sufficient means to afford it. Working class people had different kinds of marriages, even in Victorian times.

3/01/2005

 
Blogger Anne said...

*waits in half-jest for some enterprising lawmaker to propose mandating one checking account per married couple*

3/01/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Five bucks says Mrs. Brooks has a secret bank account.

3/01/2005

 
Blogger Kyso K. said...

It's funny that Brook's doesn't see the obvious conclusion to this. When I was a kid, my parent's (and thier friends) had exactly what he is talking about...joint everything. Two names on every account, mortgage, tax return whatever.

And it was Mom's (ALWAYS) job to take care of they day-to-day finances. Dad, who knew that the mortgage & insurance would be paid, was free to just turn his paycheck over to wifey and do whatever the hell he wanted. This is why all of our Moms were "mean" and all of our Dads were "fun."

And if Brooks thinks for a second this didn't give Mom a vise-like grip on the family finances, he's insane. In the model I'm familiar with, Dad was free to an unspoken allowance that could be challenged at any time, and there's hell to pay if he oversteps those bounds. Brooks can dream all he wants, but in my experience, all his model does is put his balls in a noose of Mrs. Brooks devising.

My mom used to joke that if my Dad tried to cash his own paycheck the bank would arrest him for forging his own signature. Her control was absolute.

3/01/2005

 
Blogger zuzu said...

This man is so infuriating. Let me share some examples about why "yours, mine and ours" accounts are a good thing for many people.

I have a friend who lives in Bermuda. Her husband is cheap. Very cheap -- well, except when it comes to his golf habit. When they married, they lived in Connecticut. They both worked, though he made a lot more than she did. She retained her bank account and credit card because she knew that he didn't like that she shops a lot, even though she really doesn't spend that much (she grew up working class and while she buys good stuff, she squeezes a nickel like nobody's business). When they went to Bermuda for his job, she couldn't get a work permit and so became a housewife. Suddenly, it was "his" money she was spending, and she discovered that banks in Bermuda wouldn't give her accounts in her own name. So she's retained her separate account, even though it's a pain in the ass to do things internationally, and anything she gets from her parents or from selling stuff on ebay goes in there. It helps a lot, and avoids scenes like the one I was witness to where he demanded to know why she'd purchased certain things and how much they cost.

Item 2: my sister's married to a Marine. The Corps treats wives like dirt, basically. K's got her own job and money and since her first husband was Navy, which is only marginally better than the Corps, she knows that she absolutely NEEDS her own account beyond his reach. She can't afford to be left with no housing (she gets kicked out within a month if they separate, even if it's because he's become abusive, which he has) and no way to pay security on a new place. The separate account has allowed her to sock away money as the marriage has been tanking while minimizing the damage he can do to her if he gets it in his head to drain the joint account (which he has indicated he'll do -- she was up at 2 am today to make sure that the bills were paid before he could get to his paycheck).

3/01/2005

 
Blogger Kyso K. said...

Oh, and the comments for the entry Settle for the jerk who whines that he's a "nice guy" now Aren't working. Any idea why?

3/01/2005

 
Blogger zuzu said...

This man is so infuriating. Let me share some examples about why "yours, mine and ours" accounts are a good thing for many people.

I have a friend who lives in Bermuda. Her husband is cheap. Very cheap -- well, except when it comes to his golf habit. When they married, they lived in Connecticut. They both worked, though he made a lot more than she did. She retained her bank account and credit card because she knew that he didn't like that she shops a lot, even though she really doesn't spend that much (she grew up working class and while she buys good stuff, she squeezes a nickel like nobody's business). When they went to Bermuda for his job, she couldn't get a work permit and so became a housewife. Suddenly, it was "his" money she was spending, and she discovered that banks in Bermuda wouldn't give her accounts in her own name. So she's retained her separate account, even though it's a pain in the ass to do things internationally, and anything she gets from her parents or from selling stuff on ebay goes in there. It helps a lot, and avoids scenes like the one I was witness to where he demanded to know why she'd purchased certain things and how much they cost.

Item 2: my sister's married to a Marine. The Corps treats wives like dirt, basically. K's got her own job and money and since her first husband was Navy, which is only marginally better than the Corps, she knows that she absolutely NEEDS her own account beyond his reach. She can't afford to be left with no housing (she gets kicked out within a month if they separate, even if it's because he's become abusive, which he has) and no way to pay security on a new place. The separate account has allowed her to sock away money as the marriage has been tanking while minimizing the damage he can do to her if he gets it in his head to drain the joint account (which he has indicated he'll do -- she was up at 2 am today to make sure that the bills were paid before he could get to his paycheck).

3/01/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Ky, thanks for letting me know. I republished that post--see if it works now.

3/01/2005

 
Blogger Lance Mannion said...

The man used Tolstoy to make an argument about marriage? The author of the Kreutzer Sonata? I don't know a single woman who's read War and Peace who wasn't appalled by what Tolstoy did to Natasha at the end of War and Peace. And let's not get into Kitty and Levin's marraige in Anna Karenina. Brooks expects women to persuaded by Tolstoy?

This confirms my theory. Conservatives love to talk about the Great Books, but they don't actually read them.

Brooks must have a well-thumbed edition of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations on his desk.

Everything old is new again. The declining white birth rate was a conservative nightmare in the 1970s. But it turned out to be just a lull. The Greatest Generation was done having their kids, and the Baby Boomers hadn't got their families started yet.

When the Boomers got busy, the schools got croweded again.

Now the Boomers are finishing up but their kids are still in high school, college, and grad school. In a few years we'll be experiencing stroller grid lock again.

All of this of course is ignoring the fact that the concern is only with the decline in the birth of white babies. Brown and other hues don't count as Americans.

Of course we've been there before too. At the end of the 19th Century there was a lot of hair tearing because WASP women had stopped being baby factories while all those dirty Irish, Italian, and Jewish women were producing whole litters.

3/01/2005

 
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way to go, Kyso. You've described my own home-of-origin finances almost perfectly. I run my house pretty much the same way, and this is a good thing because I'm just better at handling finances than hubby, who, by the way, is grateful that I take on these odious, bill-paying tasks. Luckily, we agree on most of our financial decisions (both of us are pretty good at penny pinching) and I always keep him up to speed on where the family cash is going.

A checking account of my own? What the hell for-- so I can manage that one too? And anyway, he's much better at cleaning the fish bowl than me.

3/01/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mom also had complete control over the joint accounts. My husband and I have tried it every which way. Totally joint accounts - disaster. Totally separate accounts - not much better. In the end we have three accounts, 2 checking (one his, one ours) and one savings account (mine). I manage 2, and he manages his own. But money is probably the single biggest arguement most couples have, and the answer is WHATEVER WORKS! not whatever our dear Victorian commentater thinks we should do.

Tapetum

3/01/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Five bucks says Mrs. Brooks has a secret bank account. Not likely; David Brooks is the world's most socially conservative out gay man :-).

I have to say, I have a different memory of "Family Happiness" from what Brooks describes; when I read it as a teenager, I found it more grim than charming. I think Tolstoy is better at conveying family unhappiness than family happiness, and I wound up believing the couple's conflict a lot more than I believed the wife's unromantic happiness in life with the father of her child, at the end.

I don't see a need or a use for a separate account, since I control all the joint finances, but we do have a small separate account for Joel.

Lynn Gazis-Sax

3/01/2005

 
Blogger Rachel said...

I say, let a thousand flowers bloom. It's most important that you sit down with your SO and make a decision about how to handle financial matters, not what the final decision is.

That being said, I did once have only one account with an ex. And yes, I got to be the responsible one, a.k.a. the mean one. It was horrid. Wanting to be all loving and supportive, I allowed the ex to drain the account for his hobbies while I had socks that my toes stuck out of. (Did I mention that we were in grad school and poor?)

Now my husband and I do everything in a "yours, mine, and ours" way. We have individual and joint checking, individual and joint savings, and individual and joint credit cards. Thank goodness for Quicken! I am still the saver, but I focus that energy on my own finances since we've agreed on how much money goes towards our joint ventures.

3/02/2005

 
Blogger MNObserver said...

Mr. MO and I have always had a joint checking account, but I've always had the checkbook. Works for me.

MO

3/02/2005

 
Blogger kim said...

While I agree that Brooks' proposal does aim to chip away at the independence of the upper middle class white women that he obsessively focuses on, I think that joint bank accounts could be beneficial to women in less affluent financial situations. Because of the persistent wage gap in the U.S., in most marriages I assume the husband earns more than the wife - this is especially true in cases where women take significant cuts in income to care for children. In these situations, women could suffer more for not having access to their husbands' money and an equitable financial relationship.

My husband and I have an equal partnership in our marriage, including joint bank accounts (which I manage because I like that kind of thing); however, because his income is more than twice what I make, if we managed our money separately there would be a lot more potential for conflict and an imbalance in power. I would imagine this inequality would be even larger for couples where the wife does not earn enough to support herself independent of her husband's income.

3/02/2005

 
Blogger Tuli said...

Sometimes I get published in the Letters to the Editor section of the NYTs. So, on March 1st I sent off this letter to the editor:

-David Brook’s Op-ed on couples having individual checking accounts in a marriage and its effect on the family is instructive.

He said, "The larger, far more important point is that in a society as individualistic as ours, it's especially important to protect and nurture the countervailing institutions. It's so easy for the powerful force of individualism to wash over and transform institutions - like family, religion and the military - that are supposed to be based on self-sacrifice, loyalty and love."

He could just as well have included individual private accounts in Social Security as one of the institutions that would transform our social covenant. Privatization moves our society from one of we, to me. Like separate checking accounts in a marriage it would erode our commitment to our family of fellow Americans.

Thanks to Mr. Brooks for pointing this out.-

Well, I guess they don't do irony.

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11/19/2005

 
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12/08/2005

 
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12/26/2005

 
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1/26/2006

 

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