The family values of Jack Ryan

In all their glory.

I believe that marriage can only be defined as that union between one man and one woman.

And all the people who that the husband wishes to have sex in front of, if only to prove that he gets to fuck a TV actress.

Homosexuals deserve the same constitutional protections, safeguards, and human dignity as every American, but they should not be entitled to special rights based on their sexual behavior.

But if you're a Republican politician, you do deserve the special right to demand public sex from your wife in exchange for dinner. Ordinary husbands, whether gay or straight, don't have this special right and they know it.

The breakdown of the family over the past 35 years is one of the root causes of some of our society’s most intractable social problems-criminal activity, illegitimacy, and the cyclical nature of poverty.

And that's why I treated my wife as little more than a sex toy and drove her to divorce me. Because if anything is more important than keeping the family together, it's the right of a good, old-fashioned Republican to fuck his wife in public.

Remember, fellas. First they let wives turn down public sex and next thing you know, they're making you marry a man.

Thanks, Atrios.