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Thursday, July 22, 2004

Mail order brides

Looks like the mail order bride industry is finally getting looked at by the Senate.  The interesting thing about the mail order bride industry is the the "in" woman to ship over for marriage is no longer Asian, but now Russian.  Apparently, the fall of the Soviet Union has left alot of women really desperate to find a way to out of their situation, and since desperation is the desirable trait in your mail order bride, the more desperate the better.
Here in Austin, as that article says, we have one of the biggest Russian women brokers in the country.  It's a lovely site, and one that will make your heart leap with joy at the opportunities these men are offering Russian women--American citizenship in exchange for doleful subservience. 
The guy who runs the site has a fairly typical testimonial.  His story begins when Our Hero, Luckless in Love, tries to go out and find a wife.  He triedall the avenues for meeting women in our sorry society, bars, friends, grocery stores, whatever, but all he meets with is rejection.  But there is no reason for women to reject him whatsoever, as he Doesn't Smoke.  The problem must be American women and their overly high standards, what with the wanting a man who has more to offer than Doesn't Smoke.  Our Hero will refrain from calling American women Bitches, but you get his meaning.  I'm sure that Our Hero was never one to call a woman a Cock Tease either.
Our Hero is not one to despair, however.  Instead, he decides that he will go to a part of the world where there are not as many men to compete with, and better yet, where poverty has lowered women's standards in a mate as long as he has a job and an ability to get her a greencard.  But where, oh where could that magical place be?  Ideally, there would be a country in the world where recent political turmoil has caused the entire government and economic infrastructure to collapse.....
Russia!  But of course!
The selling point of these sites is that Russian women are better than American women.  But better how?  Luckily, Our Hero has a handy list of traits that women should have, Russian women do have, but American women don't have.

They are not spoiled or greedy.
They do not give up when life is hard.
They have strong traditional family values.
They appreciate even the smallest amount of kindness.
They will love you with all their heart and soul if you are good to them.

My favorite is #4.  American women really do need to learn to fall on the floor, wiggling with gratitude at the smallest amount of kindness.  I realize that this is an issue--creepy men in bars who send drinks to me and then expect me to go home with them are often willing to remind me. 
I sincerely doubt, however, that the majority of Russian women feel much differently about things like small amounts of kindness than American women do.  This site charges men quite a bit of money to give out lists of slavishly grateful Russian women, so it's in their interest to, shall we say, exaggerate the slavishness of the gratitude that women will show.  Nonetheless, there are women who meet and marry men through these services and the entire situation is one that should be troubling. 
While not all men who meet women through these services are necessarily abusive, the set-up is problematic.  A man, who likely has come to this service because he has issues with women who assert themselves, and is reinforced by this site and culture around it pushing forward the message that yes, there is something terribly wrong with women who assert themselves and that he deserves a woman who won't.  If he does meet and marry a woman through this service, he takes her back to the U.S., where she has no friends and no family, and no place to turn to for support other than her husband.  If things sour between them, she literally has nowhere to go.  No marriage is without conflict, but that's a perfect situation for conflict to escalate into abuse and quickly.
It's a good thing that the Senate is looking into this.  As the women are consenting adults, it's tempting to just blow the whole thing off, but on the other hand, a situation that's so clearly explotative going on right under our noses is nothing to ignore.

361 Comments:

Blogger Ross A Lincoln said...

Hey now, as a Marriage broker for Narnian, Lillipudlian, and Oompaah-Loompahlandish women, I resent your implication that the only thing we're selling is the chance to hook Manly, Stand-Up American guys, with women who aren't fridgid, cock teasing bitches. We're also offering the chance to fulfill subtely racist fantasies that American men might have, regarding foreign women. Yowza!

Seriously though, f-ing brilliant take down. I wish I'd written it.

7/22/2004

 
Blogger Earnest said...

There was a young girl in Tulsa who, allegedly, started a mail-order bride company, bringing women from South America. What was innovative about her method was that she used infomercials to advertise the women. One day, a version of the commercial aired where the company hosted a get-together for the men and women who'd used the service-- the men were just the kind you'd think you'd see in a program about men who'd ordered subservient women from South America. It was like someone had decided to do "Revenge of the Nerds V: We've Got Wives"

7/22/2004

 
Blogger BlondeSense Liz said...

I checked out the profiles of these Russian babes. They don't appear to be submissives. Most are college educated and have the potential to be professional career women. The ones I saw from the get go were all slim, of course, non smokers, of course and had their photos done by Glamour Shots or something. heh.

I've come across all sorts of men who supposedly hate American women for some reason or another. I am afraid to find out the real reasons as I wasn't particularly impressed with them anyway.

I'd like to know what he means about #4 too. Just how low is the esteem of the average mail order bride? I was raised to say "thank you" if someone is kind. Is that what he is talking about? Are women not saying "thank you" anymore? Hmmmm

7/22/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I posted something about this on Alas a Blog about a year ago (http://amptoons.poliblog.com/blog/000179.html). I eventually had to close the comments because the comments from those who felt it necessary to defend the practice (and demonize the attempts to regulate it) Would. Not. Stop.

I hope things go better here.

7/24/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, what do you want the Senate to do? - Omar

7/25/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Thanks for the link, bean--I read it and it was pretty interesting. It's weird how this issue brings out the assholes. Who knew that one of the longest, most controversial issues would be whether or not it's acceptable to sell women as wives?
Omar, I agree with bean that the entire mail order bride business should be outlawed. But, barring that, it should be made extremely difficult to enter--to paraphrase what bean said--if men want submissive wives that badly, they can work for it.

7/25/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

My particular favorite in the defenders of the practice are the men who think that feminists are against mail-order brides because we are jealous that we can't get these men for ourselves. You know, since feminists are just dying to marry men who expect servitude in a wife.

7/25/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Partners wanted for one of my newest ventures - a mail order husband site.
arbitrary aardvark vark.blogspot.com.
subverting the dominant paradigm since 1979.
hmm, perhaps mail order brides for straight women...
it's win win for everybody involved. not sure what the senate will think.

7/25/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You may be right that a law could help women in this case. I tend to forget that this industry actually exists: when I hear about such a website, my first instinct is to dismiss it as a scam. It just seems so absurd. -Omar

7/25/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come to think of it, though, why not just remove the restrictions on immigration that prevent these women from leaving? The immigration laws kill people anyway. -Omar

7/26/2004

 
Blogger David said...

Wow, this is an interesting thread ! Speakinging as a UK citizen I find it amusing that American women seem to want the Lawmakers to regulate who an American man can marry.

What happened to good old American freedom of choice and freedom of speech. I don't notice any American men complaining when an American woman marries a foreign man, what's the difference?

Anyway, I think about 99% of American families originated from outside the US.

Onassis? Uh oh No-no

8/17/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Amanda, thank you very much for the article. As a former Russian bride I have a right to say it: yes, a man must be a total loser in his country if he cannot be in functional relationship with an adult female from his own country. This is my personal opinion.
To the guys: sorry, buddies, but if you expect a sexy young Russian female to devote the rest of her life to washing your dirty socks with the orgasmic and greatful smile - mistake, big and dangerous mistake.

11/22/2004

 
Blogger brides said...

Maybe i'm wrong but as i see your oppinion to mail order brides is very negative. But don't see nothing wrong with that. If a woman wants to find happiness in her life, she has a right to do it, and it doesn't matter what ways..
I agree that most of mail order brides go to U.S. nowadays, but just because American women are to busy to see that American men need attention. They want to do career but not sit at home with kids. And do men want stong woman at home? NO! That's the point why russian and asian brides a preferred. For example, the same situation is in taiwan. This country men don't marry women from their country, they look for chinese girls, ladies from filipinos etc. Why? Because taiwan women are too clever and too educated, unlike ladies from neighborhood.
These are the facts and there's no need to have negative attidute towards those poor women that only seek for a family and american dream..

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Mail order brides said...

I have only the best opinion about the mail order brides!

2/10/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The hallmark of the MARRIAGE BROKER REGULATION ACT

The Act requires every American man to submit a background check to each women he wishes to contact and each women must sign a release just so he can send an email to her. Sounds harsh? Well, this provision was included with the intent to make it impossible for the broker to operate. Without the provision, the Act has not real power.

4/05/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno, Amanda, why you'd get so fired up about how somebody else lives & thinks - unless maybe - you're not worried about competition, are you? I'm SURE you're not falling into premature middleaged meddlesomeness, are we?

So let's outlaw ALL introduction services, all those internet personals, and the newspapers too. Sure. Makes a hell of a lot of sense. Because I said so, and it's about time people stopped living their lives except when I approve.

"In the book For Yourself, Dr. Lonnie Barbach reports: "Research by Arvalea Nelson indicates that consistently orgasmic women tend to describe themselves as contented, good-natured, insightful, self-confident, independent, realistic, strong, capable, and understanding while non-orgasmic women tend to describe themselves as bitter, despondent, dissatisfied, distrustful, fussy, immature, inhibited, prejudiced, and sulky."

4/25/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking this issus is as simple as people's rights to live as they choose is quite shortsighted. This is a human rights issue. Many women are forced due to econmic and social situations in their own countries, or even worse, coerced into this not knowing what it truly involves and often end up in manipulative and abusive situations. While some marriages may be sucessful and based on love, many are quite trapping leaving a women in a foreign country with limited language skills, no money and few legal rights and optiont. This is not funny. Its not about personal preferance, but instead, a lack of rights and full understanding which results in a very dangerous situation, potentially viewed as trafficking.

5/05/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am an American male happily married to my beautiful Russian wife for 5 years. From my own experience and speaking with many other gentlemen who were involved in this endeavor, I can draw some conclusions. Many men find Russian women beautiful and slim and thus they are more attracted to Russian women than their American counterparts, who frequently tend to be obese or overweight. Also, these men feel that Russian women are more feminine and family-oriented, and they find these qualities attractive. I know of many American-Russian couples with stable, mutually-satisfying marriage who cherished these values. Yes, mail-order bride marriages can work!

5/13/2005

 
Anonymous Jamie Morrow said...

“While not all men who meet women through these services are necessarily abusive…”

Amanda, how kind of you to clarify that not all of the men are abusive I suspect some of the men, shall we say, may even be decent, good men… I wonder if “some” are that way.

“…since desperation is the desirable trait in your mail order bride, the more desperate the better.”

The reality is most of the women who join “mail order bride” services are not desperate and nor would the vast majority of men want such a woman. Poor economic conditions does not mean a woman will go to richer lands with anyone. Just because a woman has fewer financial resources than you mean she is willing to accept an unfulfilled heart.

“…American citizenship in exchange for doleful subservience.”

There is no such exchange is it possible they both fell in love with each other?

“…but all he meets with is rejection.”

The men I meet who use my service do very well with American women they are not being rejected they are doing the rejection.

“The problem must be American women and their overly high standards…”

Or it could be that the American man have the high standards.

“Instead, he decides that he will go to a part of the world where there are not as many men to compete with…”

While Russia does have fewer men the small difference is inconsequential. The difference is the American man in normally better than his foreign competition.

“… poverty has lowered women's standards in a mate as long as he has a job and an ability to get her a greencard.”

This is a feminist myth. Most women would prefer to stay in their home country with the American man. It is not the money the man has but the good qualities, intelligence and education that as a byproduct allows him to make money.

“The selling point of these sites is that Russian women are better than American women.”

Many of the mail order bride sites have lame and inaccurate selling techniques. Foreign women are not better than American women.

“I sincerely doubt, however, that the majority of Russian women feel much differently about things like small amounts of kindness than American women do.”

But you think they feel differently when it comes to selecting a husband.

“there are women who meet and marry men through these services and the entire situation is one that should be troubling.”

Why should this be troubling, adult men and women selecting who they will love and marry?

”…the set-up is problematic.”

What the freedom of choice?

“A man, who likely has come to this service because he has issues with women who assert themselves…”

You have no evidence to support such a wild inaccuracy.

“…there is something terribly wrong with women who assert themselves and that he deserves a woman who won't.”

The mail order bride industry is crooked and most such agencies will say and do anything to latch on to a customer.

“If things sour between them, she literally has nowhere to go.”

She can make friends and stay in contact with her family just as I did when I moved from the States isn’t that what people do when they move anywhere?

“No marriage is without conflict, but that's a perfect situation for conflict to escalate into abuse and quickly.”

A “perfect situation” so how do you explain the beating of American women, a less than perfect situation.

”It's a good thing that the Senate is looking into this.”

Yes it’s good that there is still no end to the interference Government and its meddling advocates will play in our lives.

“As the women are consenting adults…”

But I am still going to meddle anyway. Why don’t you propose that the Senate determine who you should or shouldn’t marry obviously being an adult is not a good enough reason for such a decision.

“…so clearly explotative going on right under our noses is nothing to ignore.”

You have shown no exploitation nor provide any facts only an unfounded bias toward foreign women and American men who chose to marry foreign women. Did you know American women marring foreign men comprise 40% of all marriage to foreigners? Does that make the foreign men desperate and the American women who married them of lower caliber?

This is a more comprehensive exchange I had with an American woman that objected to the “mail order brides” services I provided Mail Order Brides Debate You will see the argument against mail order brides carries the same emotional theme void of facts as Amanda portrayed.

Jamie
Engage the Exotic - Latin Women

6/25/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm an American and my wife is from the Ukraine.

I really don't think that this sort of thing is so odd; you act as if the women involved in the service are as stupid and gullible as the men. We are both well educated, by the way.

My heritage is Eastern European, so I decided I wanted to be with a woman who was eastern european as well. In your eyes, this is evil?

We've been together 5 years and our second child is on the way. So much for your assumptions.

And by the way, I know a man from Iraq who moved here years ago and married an Irish woman he met here in the US. I suppose they're also evil for marrying outside of American nationalities. You are very short sighted and narrow minded.

7/01/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here is another take on the INTERNATIONAL MARRIAGE BROKER REGULATION ACT OF 2003

http://www.matchmakinglinks.com/articles/issue17.html

7/04/2005

 
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