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Saturday, July 24, 2004

MSN dating advice--how to set your standards

Today's haranguing at MSN scores the hat trick of bad advice columns--misguided advice, crappy writing, and a pointless swipe at feminism.  Today's topic is the usual admonishment--women, lower your standards!  This week, we learn not to money-grub and actually open our hearts up to the less endowed in the wallet department. 
And as usual, the advice isn't misguided because it's wrong so much as because it's so off-target.  This article is preaching to a common stereotype--shallow women who are more interested in a man's wallet than his good heart.  In the real world, there are far more women who try to avoid this stereotype so strenously that they aren't taking finances into consideration enough.  I don't know any women who turn their noses up to anyone who makes less than 100K a year, but I know lots of women who stifled their own uneasiness about  boyfriends' chronic money problems because they didn't want to be shallow and ended up straining their own finances taking care of those boyfriends.  There's nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend who keeps his shit together and has enough money to go out once in awhile. 
But this writer, Randy Hecht, is a step above the usual hostile advice columnist on MSN.  For one thing, he is obsessed with the Dutch treat.  He claims that women read too much into whether a date pays for her dinner, making it the litmus to decide how interested he is.  (I always thought men who insisted on always paying were simply invested in the idea of chivalry, actually.)  But though he doesn't say it outright, Hecht seems to be the one with a litmus test--if a woman expects a man to cover her bill, she's shallow.  The Dutch treat--how to show you really care.  He likes the idea of the Dutch treat so much he refers to the struggle over the check at dinner four separate times.
Again, hostile and misguided.  Any woman with an ounce of manners reaches for her purse when the check comes, even if she is 100% sure he will insist on paying.  If the women that Hecht is taking out to dinner cross their arms and stare him down when the check arrives, well, he needs to quit taking Paris Hilton out to dinner. 
And of course, what advice article is complete without a pointless swipe at feminism?

Nobody likes a double-standard. No one can resist one, either, if it happens to work out in her favor....  On the one hand, you expect equal pay for equal work; if you learned your employer was paying higher salaries to men in your position just because they’re men, there’d be hell to pay, and rightly so. On the other hand, you expect your dates to pay the dinner check, the movie tickets, and so on. 
 
Women--always out for the cash.  Wanting equal salaries and free dinners. 

For contrast, we have an advice article addressed to men about having standards titled "She's great, but...."  Oh boy, do we finally have an article addressed to men about why they need to lower their standards if they're even going to catch a woman?  Not quite.  This article is about whether or not to dump a woman over an incompability.  Their answer--don't be ashamed of having standards.  If the flaw is irritating enough, dump her and move on.  (But what if the flaw is that she always wants to go Dutch and never wants to pay for his dinner?  Oh, dilemmas.)
To be fair, this article is not hostile to women at all.  The writer points out that it's nicer to dump somebody early for an incompatibility than take her on as a project and try to humiliate her into changing.  The writer also takes great pains to characterize the issue as one of incompatibility, and not one of flaws that women need to be correcting. 
Altogether, it's good advice.  If the incompability is a big one, end it.  If it's a small thing, deal with it.  And know the difference between big and small.  This advice should be aimed at both men and women and it's not.  Instead, for women we get an article trivializing a big thing--money, and that women usually make a lot less of it and therefore might have a good, solid reason to avoid dating men who might burden tight budgets.  Better woman-specific advice about dating and money might concentrate more on how to date without breaking the bank with clothes, make-up and yes, Dutch treats in expensive places. 

315 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was a recent article in the National Post, Canada's darling conservative rag, about how women expect men to pay for dates because men only pay 80$/month on personal grooming but women pay 1000-1500/month on average.

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7/25/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mistook the numbers. The article is here:
http://tinyurl.com/3j2ea

I remembered the numbers a bit wrong. But these are people who've spent 80% of my total income on makeup and waxing and stuff. One person notes she could have had a down payment on a house instead. I hope that everyone I know will slap me silly if I start spending that much money on personal upkeep. Or if I wax my arms.

Some quotes:

I have a girlfriend who maintains she would never pick up the bill on a date, or even go dutch, because of her huge financial investment in getting "date ready."

"With all the waxing I have to do, and getting my hair done, and putting my make-up on, and getting a manicure and pedicure, it works out to be a lot of money. To pay for even a $100 dinner is nothing compared to what I spend on my personal upkeep," she says. "Men should realize that, but they don't."

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Blogger Amanda said...

I considered adding into my critique that very point--that women spend more money on dating overall than men do, if you take the grooming deemed necessary to enter the dating marketplace into account, but I dropped it because I didn't want to get into the complications, but stay on message about how money and dating are about way more than who pays for dinner. But, reading that article, I think that this is something that needs to be addressed. The woman they found to interview for this article sounds downright neurotic about her grooming--she spends more on it a month than I actually make in a month. Most women, not even those who are big into that sort of thing, don't spend anywhere near that. It's so outrageous, the effect is trivializing an issue that actually has some relevance.
I think I may have to link to and post about this article tonight....

7/25/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh lord. I used to be the girl who didn't care about money. I got engaged to a guy who I never got to the point of wedding planning with (after 2 years of engagement, mind you) because he could not get his financial act together. I shudder to think at how much money I alone blew on seeing him, paying for his food and clothes and computer equipment, blah de blah I'm a schmuck, thinking "He's a good person, he just has no idea how to handle money" (nobody else in his family did either). Things probably would have worked out if I was Britney Spears and could afford to put him up as my househusband, but I do data entry.

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7/26/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im wondering what everyone will think about this http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2359&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544659

nearly a year later Randy B. Hecht has seems to have changed sex, and now propagates male-bashing sterotypes instead of female-bashing sterotypes.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda, not everyone with the name of Randy is a man. I know Randy Hecht and Randy is a woman. If Randy pointed out in an article that women read too much into whether a date pays for her dinner, then good for her. Not all women do this but many do. A woman who *expects* a man to pay for her is shallow. And cheap.

5/06/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So many women have very low standards for men. Women need to raise their standards. If women were less willing to put up with so much, men would have to behave better on dates. Why are women so willing to meet men's standards, such as beauty standards through waxing and makeup, while not having high standards themselves?

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12/18/2005

 
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12/24/2005

 
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12/26/2005

 
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Blogger Michelle said...


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12/27/2005

 

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