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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Sexual harassment--a big misunderstanding?

I know this is about 12 years out of date, but it's something I've been wondering about all morning. I'm reading a book called The Way We Never Were by Stephanie Coontz. The book was originally published 1992, so it was written in the shadows of Clarence Thomas hearings. In it, she discusses how women are socialized to be attuned to men and pick up on their every need, whereas men are socialized to expect women to modify their behavior and therefore have little need to pick up on small things in women's behavior that might signal how they really feel.

Fair enough. God knows I've suffered because I both wanted a boyfriend to know how I feel but I also can't just say it because of my socialization. And of course, since reading someone's mind so that you know how to behave is difficult to say the least, plenty of arguments result from a woman misreading a man's signals and adapting her behavior wrongy, i.e. not doing what he wants. Talking is so much easier, no?

Anyway, while I think the basic principle is a correct one, she mistakenly attaches it to the issue of sexual harassment. I realize that was in the air at the time, and there was a good deal of disingenous hand-wringing over how men were possibly to know what was appropriate and what was not. Apparently, paying attention was completely out of the question. Actually treating women like human beings seemed way out of line as well. It made me sad to remember how feminists had to meet the Misogyny Brigade halfway on this and pretend that men harass women because they don't know any better just to get some freaking work codes written.

Do people still believe this, I wonder? Do they still believe that men harass women because their dating skills are slightly off and women are over-sensitive? Can anyone actually believe that things like leaving pubic hairs on a woman's things are even in the same arena as normal flirting?

There's no doubt that plenty of people confuse hostile behavior and flirting sometimes. I've joked about being approached by men who think I will be charmed by some sort of insult or challenge. One of my favorite all-time doofus stories has been a guy telling me that I drink crappy beer and he'll buy me a better one. This has happened to me twice. But these sort of low-level dumbshit things to say are completely different than sexual harassment.

Harassment is sadistic behavior. When a man grabs a woman's body or says something nasty and aggressive to her, especially in a professional setting, he's not doing it because he's not reading her very well. In fact, he's reading her just fine. The whole purpose is to get the reaction, the mortification and humiliation. Same with the hollering on the sidewalk. Getting a woman to react is the whole point of the exercise. Same with following someone--the fear is the payoff. (In that situation, I've found that a cell phone is the greatest invention in the world. No time like when getting tailed by a strange man to start phoning your friends.)

It seems to me not only letting men who behave this way off the hook, but is also really damaging to women's self-esteem. If we are to believe that men harass because they don't know better, we are holding women responsible for the harassment. Women are led to think that they are getting harassed because they aren't managing their communications to men appropriately and need, once again, to modify their behavior to accomodate male pig-headedness.

But if you acknowledge the truth behind the motivation to harass, then you are empowered. Don't blame yourself, get mad! How dare they work out their mental problems/sadistic tendencies on you! It may not mean that you can do anything to stop it, but hey, at least you don't have to feel guilty about not taking care of someone's feelings who is mean to you.

Anyway, is it still the common belief that sexual harassment results from men not reading women correctly?

16 Comments:

Blogger Liz Blondsense said...

Re: Anyway, is it still the common belief that sexual harassment results from men not reading women correctly?


Still? I don't know. I thought that men were pretty much ripped to shreds in the 90's and now know that they can't even tell a co-worker that her hair looks good for fear of being sued for sexual harassment... and I am not kidding. I think that complimenting a female which is now considered sexual harassment probably does result from men not reading women correctly.. but real sexual harassment that involves groping at the very least and sexually explicit comments is aggressive behavior. period. what do you think>?

8/25/2004

 
Blogger Amanda Marcotte said...

I think that sexual harassment, alas, is somewhat of intent issue. Obvious stuff like groping or saying something deliberately nasty is always badly meant. But "I like your dress" and "I like your dress" can mean different things if said in different tones of voice.
But I think my point still stands. Men who claim they don't know the difference between flirting and harassment are being disingenous and usually they only mean to get away with themselves or protect other harassers out of a misguided sense of male solidarity. My rule of thumb--if you wouldn't want someone to say it to your mother/sister, don't fucking do it. They know the difference.

8/25/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I've often wondered if what was happening to me counted as "harassment." It's a blurry line, alas--sometimes it's a "you know it when you see it" thing, which makes for bad law.

My rule of thumb is "no touching in the workplace" except for on the shoulder or for shaking hands. Period. It just makes things simpler.

For verbal harassment I'd use a one-strike law, if I were in charge: if a man says something the woman perceives as inappropriate, she either tells him to stop herself or gets the boss to do so. He's not punished for this because, while some things are clearly inappropriate, there are more subjective areas. But after that the punishment should be draconian.

This is the way I think about it, anyway. A lawyer might be able to poke holes in it, though. But to some extent that's the trouble with any law. It comes up more for sexual harassment just because our culture is sexist.

8/25/2004

 
Blogger Amanda Marcotte said...

I think most of us have had a bad situation like that, Astarte. There are some men who are powerfully attracted to and simultaneously angry with/afraid of/repulsed by intelligent women. I'm glad you realize it's not your fault--it's hard sometimes to wonder why it is he's not getting your signals. And it's because he's turned his receiver off.

8/26/2004

 
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