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Sunday, September 19, 2004

Thoughts on being called a "tomboy"

Watching people for three days straight, which is half the point of going to outdoor festivals, will get a person to thinking. Hopefully such thoughts won't all disappear before I have a chance to commit them to monitor.

Last time I launched off addressing language from the discussions at des femmes and more, I mentioned that it is certainly not the same insult to call a woman a man as it is to call a man a woman. By way of example, I mentioned how it's common enough for the rare women in a group of guys socializing to be called "tomboy" or "one of the guys". I threw that off to point out that calling a woman a man or just masculine can be and often is a compliment, but calling a man a woman never is. An interesting discussion started from there where mythago pointed out that to "compliment" a woman that way is actually an insult, as it still implies that her femaleness is something sort of shameful that she is getting "promoted" from.

That's a hard thing to take, no doubt, as it's certainly meant as a compliment. And it's not so straightforward as to just elevate men over women. (Though that is certainly the assumption it works off, which I'll get to in a minute.) Compliments or other comments directed at a person usually have multiple meanings. To call a woman a "tomboy" is to erase her femaleness a bit to "elevate" her to a masculine role, but it isn't utilized in that way. The person stating it and the person hearing it are more likely to understand that it means that the token difference is irrelevant, and not a difference worth noting.

But of course, if it's not worth noting, then why note it? (And, to be fair, it usually isn't.) I sat in the tub and considered all the people I saw coming and going all weekend long and it hit me--it's about sex, of course it is. Even amongst platonic friends, if you are hanging out with people of the sex that you prefer, there is sexual tension. So it occured to me that the major function of a comment like that was to state in a joking, non-confrontational way, that the speaker is assuring a woman, who naturally might feel a teensy bit objectified, that she isn't just a token sex object. In a culture where women are continually treated as sex objects or not there at all, it's understandable that in a social group whose relations are outside that, there might be some urge to reaffirm that.

But we are constrained by sexist language. Our language is modeled around imagining women only by their sexual roles or their helpmate roles. There are a handful of words that specify a woman who currently is not defined by her sexual or helpmate role, but they are few and far between. And more importantly, they are masculine. Simply put, women are specialized, men are generalized. If a woman cannot be put into a specialized category, she is functioning, linguistically at least, as a man. A "tomboy" is a girl who rejects being pigeonholed, but sadly our language identifies women who are not acting out sexual or helpmate roles as men.

I think this might be one reason that I didn't take offense at the term, and neither did some very on-the-ball feminists like Astarte. Because they aren't so much reaching for a way to "promote" someone to manhood as a word that expresses a relationship between straight men and women that isn't dippy like "platonic".

Still, the term is horribly sexist. For one thing, it still identifies a male/female relationship all through the sexual functions of the female, as the woman and her identity are still what' s put on the line. She is the one who is named, not the men who are still just the guys. No small part of the insulting nature of this term is the way that it seems that it's the woman whose sexuality must be denied, not the man's. Why mustn't the guys be assured that I know a friend from a potential lover?

It's clear that language needs to evolve. The times that a male friend has tried to make me feel comfortable by calling me a tomboy have caused me doubt that was certainly not intended--doubt not just about what the hell that means but also doubt that they remember that I'm a woman, which I like being. Also, it's not really a true statement--they are completely aware of my gender, and they are grasping for words to tell me that gender isn't everything, that friendship isn't about that. But sadly, the words to say that are gendered.

So, the quandrary is put forth. Yes, it would be best if people just hung out and no one said anything about gender, but that's not realistic when most of your friends are heterosexual. How can one distinguish between friends and crushes/lovers/potential lovers without using tired stereotypes? Remembering that even "platonic" friends indulge in flirting now and then, what kind of language would express feelings about opposite sex friends without de-sexing them or belittling them?

152 Comments:

Blogger La Lubu said...

You hit the nail right on the head. I also think "tomboy" serves to put the woman in a neuter category for the male, not just the female....not just to reassure her that she's not a sex object, but to remind him that she's "off limits"...a friend, not a girlfriend. "Tomboys" aren't girlfriends. Even though we get to hear about how we'd make great girlfriends, it's always for some other guy....the one who doesn't call us "tomboys". 'Zat make any sense?

9/19/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Tomboys" are honorary men, usually regarded in a friendly light, but definitely not fanciable by the man using the label, and probably not by most men, according to the man using the label. Or, this can be the polite way of denying sexuality to lesbians, assuming that the user is uncomfortable with lesbians. I think women use the word in that context. I think that the word can be used in favorable or derogatory contexts, but most men who want to be derogatory about a woman who intentionally presents herself as both assertive and sexually unavailable in a particular situation aren't going to be so polite (ball-breaker or dyke is more like it).

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9/19/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For some reason, the word links to a pretty clear image in my head of sitting on the front porch as a child, hearing an adult say something about a girl as a tomboy. The girl wears a baseball hat and plays sports, but is expected to "grow out of it". Personally, I think of "tomboy" as an outdated word, like "nifty" or "peachy keen." I've met so many masculine women and feminine men in my life that I've generally had to throw up my hands and say "whatever" when it comes to concepts of inherent gender traits.

Second, I thought I'd see what the history of the word was, to see if that shed any light on it. Via the "Online Etymology Dictionary":

Tomboy (1553) was originally "rude, boisterous boy," later (1579) "bold or immodest woman," then (1592) "girl who acts like a spirited boy."

Don't know if that clarifies anything or muddies the waters.

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Blogger Amanda said...

The very fact that it's throwback word and refers to a childish state makes me think that it's a tongue-in-cheek way to "neuter" someone.

9/20/2004

 
Blogger Ron said...

I've only heard tomboy used when referring to girls, about 7-12. If it was used for an adult, I'd find it to be mildly annoying, like when men called grown women girls.

My good friends become part of my family. So often I use "She's a sister to me" or say "Hey, sister", "Hey, brother", etc. Even though, I'm a man with 5 great (biological) sisters, there is room for more honorary ones. Of course there is the flirting aspect you point out, which I don't do my sisters. But I like this way of telling someone it's non-sexual affection.

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Blogger Hugo said...

Terrific post, and to some extent, I'm with Ron on this one.

But maybe it's because I'm older -- I have no problem setting real clear boundaries early on. I'm big on defining the relationships in my life, for my sake and the sake of those with whom I interact. I don't have a lot of ambiguous, flirty friendships any more. Now, if I were ever to be single again, that might change.

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Well, low-grade flirting, anyway--but yeah, it's no crime and part of a lot of social gatherings.

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And among the general public, "tomboy" is not nearly as bad as a guy being called "effeminate" or "girlie man"...

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Make the Women Feel Good : Just like men, woman love feeling good about themselves.

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Realistic Expectations : No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect.

Go on a Date : Especially for married couples, but even for some dating couples, start dating.

Control Your Anger : Every relationship has difficulties, and sometimes, there can be some intense arguments.

I Forgive You : If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through.

Day at the Movies : Have a movie marathon some rainy or cold Saturday.

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Cuddle Time : When couples first start dating, cuddling is usually a part of their everyday existence.

Make the Women Feel Good : Just like men, woman love feeling good about themselves.

Showing Love : Although hearing the words, I love you is special and important.

Realistic Expectations : No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect.

Go on a Date : Especially for married couples, but even for some dating couples, start dating.

Control Your Anger : Every relationship has difficulties, and sometimes, there can be some intense arguments.

I Forgive You : If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through.

Day at the Movies : Have a movie marathon some rainy or cold Saturday.

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