It's not that he's not into you, it's just that he's a dick

Apparently there's yet another book out there explaining to the never good enough sex why they just can't seem to get a man to like them. Sadly, it's by two of the writers from "Sex and the City", who are trying like hell to get me to hate their show. They claim to have a new, different, tough take on the whole love and dating thing, but as far as I can tell, their advice is exactly the same as any other--sit still, have a guy pick you, and the only real requirement to make a man marriageable is whether or not he'll have you. The above link is to a sample question and answer at MSNBC. For a point of contrast, the Mouse will offer startling insights that come from living in the real world where men (gasp!) suffer from rejection and heartbreak just like women (it's not possible, is it?)

Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.

If no one calls you, it's because you are hideous beast. If you were good enough, you would be married already, so give up. No leaving the house, no meeting people. When a man wants you, he will hear it on the wind or from his fairy godmother or something and show up. They have magical powers like that.

Seriously, if it's so easy for men, how is it that my male friends will call me and complain that they never meet any decent women (hint hint to female friend they assume has single girlfriends)?

Onto the questions! Excerpt from #1, a young lady who went out with a male friend:

All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, "So, what, you're working the whole 'model thing' now?" (That's flirting, right?) We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I'm disappointed because it's been two weeks and he hasn't called me.

The answer to her question is to quit mixing up loneliness, alcohol, and horniness with real dates. Also, it is stupid to sleep with your male friends who compliment you, because then it gets weird and you aren't friends anymore and who will you be able to get to take you out on pseudo-dates in the future? If she were my friend, I would ask if dating him was that big a deal to her--likely, she'll say no. Then I'll say, keep him as a friend, and then you can hang out and flirt harmlessly all the time. But none of that is important, apparently. All that matters is taking this poor girl down a notch.

Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster — but watch how fast that nudge doesn't get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it's been two weeks and he's had time to think about it and decide he's just not that into you. Here's the truth: Guys don't mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a "_ _ _ _ buddy" situation or a meaningful romance.

I have no idea what he's saying, but I think his point is, "If that guy thought you were remotely attractive, he would have fucked you already, but you're a dog, so get over it." If in fact this is true, she should never speak to her lying piece of shit friend who thinks it's funny to fill her head with a bunch of flattering lies about her looks. But odds are that he does think she's pretty, but wants neither a fuck buddy or a meaningful romance.

I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves — we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.

True, it is a lame line, so if you actually mean it, you wouldn't say it. But if he's actually suggesting that there's no such thing as a man who pushes away women he's attracted to because they are too available....HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! It is a bona fide fact of life that a certain subset of people, male and female, only want what they can't have. Pathetic, cliched, but true. And yes, men fall into pathetic, cliched behavior just as much as women.

Question #2:

I have a crush on my gardener. He's been potting the plants on my patio. It was hot, I saw him without his shirt on, he was hot, and now I'm hot for him. I brought out some beers and we talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my hired man. In this situation, can't I ask him out?

Weird, seriously. Just drop it, lady.

He's capable of asking you out. Haven't you ever seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy.

Since we all know that porno is the best barometer for how real-life dating goes.

Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he's into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal, I'll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Phillipe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.

Men are all-powerful and completely fearless. A man has never been afraid of being rejected or fired, ever, in his life.

Question #3:

There's this guy who calls me all the time. He's recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn't ever suggest we see each other in person again. It's like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What should I do with this guy?

Dump his blabbing ass for turning you into his sounding board? Oh wait, women don't dump, they just fade away....

You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he's still not asking you out. Now, if you're a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he's just not that into you. Be his friend if you're at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing, because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.

Another great thing about men that makes them so foreign, and yet amazing--they never, ever keep someone on the back burner in case their first choice doesn't work out. No, if they aren't sure yet, they just cut you off and let you go. So if he seems to be sending mixed signals, it's not because he's trying to keep you on a string for sex and companionship. It's because he's a saint and just putting up with you.

Question #4:

I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?

Well, why not?

Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you — or even return your call. Why don't you take Copperfield's number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.

Men are all magic and shit, too. They know that women can't ever have control over anything, ever, but after feminism you have to use magic tricks to distract women from this fact. And being unbearably clever, they devised a trick called "giving a phone number when asked". Devious, yet awesome. So never call a man, or he wins. And since love is warfare, you can't let him win the first battle. If you call first, he'll hold that over your head until your kids have kids of their own. You'll never live it down.



God, I hope that was funny. This guy pissed me off something awful--a whole book dedicated to flattering himself that by merely being born male he is this huge prize that women fret, cry and destroy themselves over.