Mouse rant blog vent mouse.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Seriously, it's okay to think your girlfriend is pretty, dude

Mink Stole gets the best advice column letters. Today we have a guy who probably means well, but is blowing it big time:

My boyfriend doesn’t think I am pretty. We’ve been dating for more than a year and he’s very kind and attentive, but whenever I ask him how I look he makes a big deal of telling me that my looks aren’t important and he loves me for who I am, not what I look like. I always thought I was pretty, not a ravishing beauty maybe, but pretty enough. When he says stuff like that it makes me feel like he’s fighting the urge to puke every time he looks at me. He’s terrific in every other respect, and as long as I don’t mention my appearance I can believe it when he tells me how great I am. The problem is that if I buy a new dress or have my hair done I’ll expect him to say something nice, but then he doesn’t and I’m devastated. I know I’m lucky to have someone to love me for myself, and I don’t want to break up with him, but would it kill him to pay me a compliment every once in a while?

I think about what I would do in this situation and I realize I have serious personality problems. Because I know that if I had a boyfriend who said bone-headed things like, "I like you for what's inside" when I ask how he likes my outfit or whatever, I would say something like, "You're not my mom, you're my lover." If I was in a good mood.

It's safe to say that if he's trying to be a good feminist and show that he is in a relationship for more than her looks, then he's being pretty simple-minded. There's nothing feminist about deciding for a woman what she needs to hear instead of letting her decide for herself. If she wants some compliments, then why withhold? Plus, he's probably lying anyway. If any guy told me that he saw past my looks into my soul blah blah and that's what attracted him, I would be pissed off that he thinks I would fall for that drivel.

Anyway, as Mink Stole points out, it goes both ways. There's no rule that women can't compliment their men for how they look. It's fun, too, because men don't expect it and can be counted on to blush or at least look embarrassed. Why should men have all the fun when it comes to flattering somebody?

73 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

Amanda, sorry that this is so off-topic, but I read your blog when I can (and remember to) and I you're much more eloquent a writer than I am. I'm having trouble with ... well, you should check it out.

http://sirigad.blogspot.com/2004/10/franken-and-i.html

This guy has his own blog ... which is filled with Ann Coulter-like mindless dribble. Which I promptly challenged him to back up. And he responded with the Bush tactic of "When in trouble, try to turn the argument around on the person." So, would you mind reading it over and telling me if I'm crazy for thinking that when you go spouting claims like his you should also have facts to back you up?

10/24/2004

 
Blogger lawrence krubner said...

" There's nothing feminist about deciding for a woman what she needs to hear instead of letting her decide for herself."

But it's rude to tell someone they are not a super-model. And sometimes you find yourself madly in love with someone who isn't exactly a super model. I speak from personal experience.



"There's no rule that women can't compliment their men for how they look. It's fun, too, because men don't expect it and can be counted on to blush or at least look embarrassed."

No, you get used to it after awhile.

10/25/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

There's no way that I can see why you wouldn't tell someone who asked, "How do I look?" or "What do you think of my new haircut?" that you think she looks great or you love the new haircut, unless of course an intervention is necessary.

10/25/2004

 
Blogger Linnaeus said...

Maybe he's being feminist, or maybe (and, in my experience, more likely) he hasn't learned to translate the social cue of "How do I look?", which essentially means "I need affirmation. Pay me a compliment."

(Nota bene: I am not saying that this is a bad thing. All human beings need affirmation from time to time, especially from those for whom we care a great deal.)

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Dave, I checked that out--I wouldn't bother trying to prove anything. If simple jokes like that go over the dude's head, then he'll never understand actual reason.

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Blogger Dave said...

Do you mean the 12-guage story? LOL. My boyfriend and I had a good laugh at that. You're right, though ... I've given up. Some people aren't worth wasting your breath on.

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