The Cosmo girl for the love-phobic man

Ah, the perfect match for a boy suffering from "boy disease" is clearly the Cosmo girl. I should have figured. Who else has time to sit around trying to suss out what some guy means by calling you sporadically, refusing to commit to anything, including dinner, and laughing at you behind your back? How to convince yourself that he really loves you when he won't say so because saying things like "I love you" is just too gross and girly? Well, Cosmo has a list of silent ways a guy is saying "I love you." Luckily, all these are properly ambigious, so don't be surprised if what you thought was a proclamation of love was just gas. Keep buying Cosmo to find out more!

You catch him staring at your eyes.
The eyes are more than just windows to a man's soul, they can also be a tattletale to what's wellling in his heart. Men always ogle the objects they desire -- it's the reason you're always busting us cleavage-peeping.

So if he stares at cleavage, he loves you? Or just your eyes? I'm confused.

There are two types of I-love-you looks. There's the secret stare (you'll have to catch him in the act). "Watching my girlfriend at a party allows me a private moment when I can pinch myself and wonder how I deserve this amazing person in my life -- a perspective I can't get when she's right there in front of me," says Patrick, 30.

So if you look at him and he looks away, assume that he is dying of love but just can't tell you. After all, it's hard for a man to love you when he's dealing with the actual you. Like Patrick here, men find women much more lovable when they are far, far away.

Then there's the steady gaze. Guys are guarded when it comes to showing emotion. If they lock eyes for a full-tilt, unabashed stare, they're lowering their shield to let you in. "I'd never hold that sort of eye contact with anyone else, but an intense gaze with my girlfriend reflects how comforted and captivated I am by her," says Chip, 29.

Got it. If he looks away, he loves you. If he stares at you, he loves you. That or you have red-eye and you need more sleep. Or a booger.

He stocks his kitchen with stuff you like.
Discovering that his kitchen is loaded with biscotti, lemon-lime seltzer, and other feminine edibles (that would only pass his lips at gunpoint) shows you're lingering on his mind in the most unexpected, unromantic places -- like the produce aisle on a solo shopping trip.

That or the Queer Eye guys got a hold of him. Or his doctor told him eat something other than steak or face the consequences. But then I guess you can convince yourself he only wants to live now that he has you in his life.

Furthermore, stocking up means he's gone public with your place in his pad. You see, men like to maintain at least the image of being detached for as long as possible. So leaving unmistakable evidence in our home that there's a woman present in our life is a bright red flag that you're The One.

Still, even if there's wine spritzers and Diet Coke in the fridge, if he tells his friends in front of your face, "No, she's not my girlfriend," be a little hesistant before you start picking out rings.

He talks about where he wants to live in three years.
Telling you he plans to relocate out West one day may seem like a neon warning not to get any long-term ideas because your man's getting set to leave you in the dust. However, it might also be his wily way of letting you know that he wants you in his future.

Got it. If he idly talks about his plans three years down the road, he is either telling you that he'll be gone by morning or he's proposing marriage. One thing is for certain--he's not making small talk. You see, men never do. Even when he asks, "Cold enough for you?" on a cold day, he is sending silent signals about his marital intentions.

He wears the sweater you gave him all the time.

It couldn't possibly be because he likes it, could it?

Trusting you behind the wheel of his wardrobe is something no man does readily. Not that guys are really all that picky about their appearance, it's just that we pride ourselves on being, well, ourselves.

Ah, your boyfriend can be counted on to deliberately avoid wearing a sweater that he likes to show you who's boss. Hang onto someone like that as if your life depended on it.

Consequentially, every time a guy does don some item he obviously didn't pick out for himself, he's showing that he's letting you take control and do a little remodeling.

I buy my boyfriend sweaters all the time. At no point did I realize that my innocent gifts of sweaters are in fact insidious attempts to turn him into Pussy Whipped Sweater Man.

It's a bold statement, one that guarantees he'll encounter a certain amount of abuse from his peers.

Shit, nothing like the ridicule I'd give him for having friends who say, "That sweater has girl cooties. Nanny nanny boo boo."

He stands right next to you in public.

Most men in America demonstrate their non-whipped status by making their girlfriends and wives walk 10 paces behind, after all.

That's why when a man's still uncertain about his feelings, he'll either trail several feet behind you or get out in front and lead the path -- two safety positions that keep his wandering eyes hidden.

Huh. Is that why men walk to the altar first during wedding ceremonies, too? In case they see someone they like better and need to bolt?

He doesn't flinch if you pick up his phone.

Caller ID has made this particular tip utterly and completely irrelevant. Does anyone pick up the phone and not read out loud who's calling anymore?

And now for the super-fast ways you know a man wuvs you.

He arrives at the restaurant for your dinner dates before you do.

Picking a woman up for a date is grounds for common-law marriage in 12 states, did you know?

He remembers the names of your friends (and not just the pretty ones).

Though he still ranks your friends in terms of attractiveness in front of you. Rethink the love thing if he actually keeps a bulletin board with the rankings and the probability he can talk the top five into bed.

He does things with you during prime sports time (Saturday and Sunday afternoons from 1 to 7).

This counts even if he doesn't like sports, so don't freak out, Cosmo girls!

He asks about your family.

This counts even if he sees family pictures in your hallway and says, "Is this your family?"

He picks you up from the airport ... during rush hour.

This doesn't count if you promised him a blow job for the ride.