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Friday, November 26, 2004

Give me even the Kinsey scale

The entire dispute that's come up over Alexander the Great and his sexuality due to this new movie frustrates me to no end. We have fallen so lockstep into the notion that you are either gay or straight that we have so lost the forest for the trees.

The truth is that once they manage to uncover the sexuality genes, it will answer very little. Conservatives will continue to act like homosexuality is a deviation, progressives will continue to act like there are straights and gays and that difference must be embraced. Progressives are closer to the truth, but still I worry.

I want the Kinsey scale back in a lot of ways. In politics, it's pointless to talk about where you fall on some scale, because the issues are rights and that is black or white in many ways. Either you have the right to marry someone of the same sex who is your lifelong partner or you don't. If you are slightly bisexual on the Kinsey scale is irrelevant, because you have your life that you have now and that deserves respect. Period.

I worry because of categories. Straight and gay have become hard and fast categories and while there are short term advantages to that, in the end the reason the equality makes sense is because categories are lies. Alexander was a gay man who had sexual relationships with women to consolidate power. Or he was a bisexual who liked men more. We will never know. The question to my mind is, why is this a question?

Categories are useful. I am with someone--that's a category that men use when trying to decide to talk to me. Gay and straight are useful categories, if for no other reason than they make it easier to decide who to hit on and who to avoid.

But we have to remember that categories are something we impose on chaos to make sense of things. I am a straight woman. As a rule, I fall for men. More than that, I fall for manly men who smell strongly and dress a certain way and, as my friend Kiki pointed out, I even have a thing for guys who can fix cars. (Not a bad fixation--boyfriends may fade away but a good car mechanic is forever.) But for my hyper-butch fixation, I still fell for a woman once and had a love affair with her.

I usually identify as straight, which seems fair. I have a boyfriend I am dedicated to. Beside my relationship, I mostly am oriented to men. But women can and do flummox me. Am I straight? Yes, because most of my sexual feelings are aimed at men. Am I gay? No, of course not. Am I bisexual? No, not by most definitions. Not really. I love women and am fascinated by them. But I generally only want to fuck men. My one affair with a woman doesn't change that.

I am not a bisexual. I am straight. I live straight, identify straight and always will. I will never insult true bisexuals by taking a weak attraction to women and turning that into a genuine sexual identity. But this is where my ugly questions raise their head.

I know my history and know it well. There is no doubt that Alexander the Great was gay. He had a constant companion that he was clearly in love with that was a man. But he married women and by some accounts made love to these women in a genuine way. Does that make him straight? No, and you can't turn him straight no matter how many women you fling around. I'm not a lesbian for loving one woman out of many men, and Alexander wasn't straight due to obligatory heterosexual encounters.

My boyfriend made a funny joke, though I forget the occasion, but the joke was something like, "Fuck all sorts of pussy, eat women out, no matter the number, suck one cock and you're gay." The joke is mocking straight male homophobia, implying that one crack in the straight male armor is the end of straight maleness. Interesting, but just more evidence for my point.

I see the other side of this, a desperate, grasping side to the religious right where they interpret even mild hetrosexual behavior as "evidence" of lurking heterosexuality. The religious right lives for "reformed homosexuals", who are generally bisexuals who hide themselves well. Kiss one girl, and you are straight.

I see both sides slipping into an either/or mentality and I think it's not going to achieve progressives any battles. We have got to approach gay rights from the angle or fairness or nothing will get done.

465 Comments:

Blogger Earnest said...

We've arrived at a point where the individual seems to be the one who determines his or her sexuality (which isn't entirely helpful, in my opinion). You even say, yourself, that you are straight despite the occassional attraction to women. That isn't a luxury we afford historical figures, though. I like this explanation of their relationship because it is careful to consider the historical context in its response to the question of Alexander's sexuality. Was Alexander gay? Someone should ask Alexander!

11/26/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't know the Kinsey scale had gone away in the first place! Seriously, though, these categories are something that people get very hung up about (speaking from experience, here!). The only explanation that's really made sense to me is the idea that sexuality is a continuum, and your place on the continuum can change throughout your life. Which I suppose is another way of saying what you've already said - that we impose the categories in an effort to make sense of chaos. And the categories are useful as a rallying point. But we (as a species) give them far too much power. I don't know what the solution is.

Helen
-http://www.birdwoman.co.uk/blog

11/26/2004

 
Blogger activistgradgal said...

I agree that there seems to be a strain between the need for black and white categories with regard to gaining legal recognition/rights, and a need for lots of gray (like the Kinsey scale) with regard to the way individuals identify themselves.

And on that note I wanted to respond to something you said: "I will never insult true bisexuals by taking a weak attraction to women and turning that into a genuine sexual identity."

As a bisexual woman I know where you're coming from with that statement. This certainly does seem to be a kind of "bisexual chic" thing going on for women such that being just a little attracted to women is hip, even attractive to men. I know women at my undergrad college who went to frat parties and made out with their female friends in order to attract men (whom they then went home and had sex with--separately). That kind of thing can be a little insulting.

Yet at the same time, I tend to want to resist using adjectives like "real" or "true" in front of the word "bisexual." I know when I first realized I was bisexual I was already very aware of the "bisexual chic" thing and I felt like I had to be absolutely sure before I let anyone know about my identity. I was generally pretty open about being sexually attracted to women pretty often, but yet I felt like I couldn't take on that IDENTITY if I might be wrong because that might insult some "real bisexual." I remember after a few years of being open about being attracted to women I had a few sexual experiences with women and some lesbian friends of mine asked, "So do you consider yourself straight then?" I wasn't sure what to say, so I answered, "I don't know, but I feel like I can't say I'm bi because there's so much more to a glbt identity than just who you are attracted to/have sex with. There's a gay community that I'm not a part of." Within about six months though I did start to see myself more and more as part of that community and I started getting comfortable with the label. Still though, every once in awhile when I feel myself being attracted to a lot of men or fantasizing about men and not women I stop and wonder, "Oh God, am I not really bi? What if I'm not? That would be a total insult to bi people if I've been pretending all this time...it will just confirm for bi-phobic people that there is no such thing." Instead of dealing with "bi" and "truly bi" I'd rather just deal with kinsey scale ratings...(or even a better contiuum system since I don't think the kinsey scale really takes how a person identifies into consideration, and obviously for me that mattered). I was discussing this issue with a group of people once and a lesbian friend of mine said something like, "Well if you just have sex with women then you're not really a lesbian/bi woman. You have to have actual relationships and emotional connections to be a lesbian/bi woman." And my response to that was, "Well on that definition I have no sexuality at all, as despite having had sex with both men and women I have never had a relationship or a romantic emotional conneciton with either." And there's the trouble with the "realness" or "trueness" thing--who counts? And is sexuality really the kind of thing one ought to have to prove? [By the way, I accussed by a lesbian friend of trying to "prove" something when a few weeks after many friends starting to suspect that I was "really" a lesbian (which I always denied)I had sex with a man.]

Sorry now I'm just babbling. Still as you point out I realize that labels are useful and often necessary. So I'm not trying to really criticize the use of the label "true bisexual," I just wanted to point out that the label is problematic, even for people like me who would (I think) count as a "true bisexual."

Thanks though for an interesting post!

11/26/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Helen, this seems like a good starting point. Not a cure-all, but it would help. -Omar

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh yes, "extension" means defining a set by pointing (this guy, this guy...) while "intension" means defining it by words.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alexander the Great was bisexual.
Get your facts right before you post random drivel.

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7(a) Loan Guaranty Program

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7(m) Microloan Program

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