Men are simple and easy to manipulate

This is what I've learned from esteemed asshole, John Gray, who has made it his mission in life to make sure that everyone thinks that communication breakdown in relationships is solely due to irreconcible gender differences that make you come back for more books and workbooks on how to manipulate your man's primal manhood until he does as he's told. He also has a column in Redbook, which is even stupider than Ladies Home Journal.

"I want more affection!"

My husband never touches me in public and rarely says, "I love you." At first I thought I could train him to whisper sweet intimacies, but after four years I've given up, and now it's affecting my desire for him. How can I get beyond this?

Maybe tell him that it hurts your feelings and is affecting your desire? Nah, you got to manipulate your man. After all, if simply talking through your problems were a solution, John Gray wouldn't sell any damn books.

Try driving home the point that these subtle gestures score big points with you in the desire department. Say to him, "When you touch my hand like that or say, 'I love you' in public, I think it's the sexiest thing in the world, and it totally turns me on." This kind of talk may hit his hot button and be just the nudge he needs.

Translation: Men can't show affection because they don't feel it. You have to bribe them with sex. Or possibly cookies.

"How can I change my husband's one-sided ways about oral sex?"

My husband enjoys receiving oral sex frequently, and I enjoy doing this for him. But he rarely performs oral sex on me -- and it's usually rushed. How can I change his one-sided ways?

In my experience, threats work best. "None for me, none for you." But I've covered this ground before. As usual, I don't understand men. See, they can't be expected to be fair-minded, according to Dr. (?) Gray.

Unfortunately, not all guys think about their partners as much as they think about themselves.

Yeah, but those guys are jerks.

They're not jerks;

Oh really?

it's just that if they're satisfied, they get so caught up in what's going on that it doesn't occur to them that there's anything else to worry about.

Sounds like a jerk to me.

So if you want your husband to take care of your needs more, hinting won't work; you have to tell him.

Telling is a nicer word than threatening. Fair enough.

Then say something like, "I get the feeling you don't want to perform oral sex as often as I'd like you to. Is there something about it you don't like?" Don't be upset or defensive; just open up the subject and give him room to be honest.

I'm guessing that tapping your foot and scowling is out, then.

If he admits that he doesn't like performing oral sex, see if you can experiment together to find ways to make it more enjoyable for him, such as bathing together before sex and trying out different flavored lubes.

Too much trouble. I'd say, in a pleasant and Venusian voice, "Oh wonderful darling! I don't like doing it either, well at least as long as I know that I'm not getting it in return. I'm so glad that we've settled this so nicely." I'm sure he will be thrilled.

"Can our marriage recover from his affair?"

At first, after my husband ended the affair, we were intimate a great deal, even though he said he still loved the other woman. Then, suddenly, the intimacy ended. Now we don't have sex more than once a month, and then only if I get really upset about it. He promises things will change, but they never do.

While we were in counseling, one therapist suggested that I leave him. She said he was apparently not interested in me in that way and that I should move on. I love my husband with all my heart and truly do not want to leave him. Please help!

Sucks, but she's right. Time to let him go and find someone who shows some respect to you.

Your counselor's suggestion that you separate may not be what you want to hear, but it may be the only thing that allows both of you the time and space to determine if you are indeed right for each other. The more tightly you hold on to him, the harder he will fight for the right to find out if your relationship is the right path for him.

I get it. Men are hunters and as long as you are committed, they won't care to love you. Always run, and they'll always chase. How exhausting.

Let him go. If it is meant to be, he'll be back -- if you still want him to be a part of your future at that point.

Make sure to tell him that you may or may not be available if he comes back as you're kicking him out. That sort of bait will trick him and he will want to come back. Remember gals, it's not you he wants. It's the chase.

"He's threatened by my vibrator."

I hadn't used a vibrator since I got married three years ago, but the other day I found my "old pal" and decided to give it a go again. This made my husband very uncomfortable. He says that if I "resort to machinery," it makes him feel he doesn't satisfy me. I do enjoy the pleasure the vibrator gives me, and I don't want to sneak around to use it.

Translation: I use a vibrator to masturbate and three years into marriage my husband walked in on me doing so. He was so threatened I lied and told him it was the first time since our wedding day, which has only made him more threatened because now he thinks his performance is slipping. I still want to masturbate with it, but I need a better story if he catches me again.

You can put his qualms to rest by showing him that the vibrator, like any sex toy, is there to make sex more fun for both of you. Men love to handle machinery.

Yeah, that'll work. The guy thinks it's a substitute dick. You're not gonna trick him out of that by going, "Oooh, shiny new tool like that power drill you just got from Sears."

Not that the general advice of getting the guy to familiarize himself with it and use it, etc. is wrong. But condescending to someone who is feeling threatened generally makes the situation worse.

If your husband remains deeply uncomfortable with the vibrator despite your efforts, it may well be best to consider his feelings and not force the issue.

Translation: Masturbate when he's not home.

But if the problem is simply that he needs reassurance, show him through your words and deeds that sex toys are far less important to you than the physical and emotional connection you can have only with him.

Probably best to quit professing your love to the vibrator, then.