Reading your way to booty

There's no doubt in my mind that reading is sexy. Sure, there are all sorts of new-fangled geeky things to do that give one the patina of geek girl sexiness, but the old-fashioned nose in book look will never go out of style. Well, at least I hope not. But that is not what today's advice at MSN is about. Today's advice is how to emulate the heroines in novels to best attract men. And it's by a woman whose real name just can't be Rosalind Cummings-Yeates, even though that psuedonymn is probably the most clever part of this article.

Being a reader will not help you follow this advice, because all of it works much, much better if you don't actually read Victorian novels.

For centuries, heroines of classic literature have served as inspiration and refuge for women readers everywhere. Skipping through the moors, leaving home to find work, challenging social expectations — these character knew how to live fully.

Dying in childbirth, being raped and abandoned, submitting to humiliating work rather than starve and marrying men they hate rather than having to work. Yes, those characters had it good.

Despite corsets, oppressive social conditions and frowning fathers, women in classic literature always managed to find their soul mates. Taking a few cues from Jane Eyre, Little Women and Pride & Prejudice, modern single women can also learn how to capture the man of their desires.

I wouldn't say corsets existed to keep women from attracting men, but what do I know?

Blegh, the next paragraph is about Jane Eyre, and it's so stupid that it's not even worth copying to make fun of. But this sentence really is swoony:

In the end, she marries a widowed, blinded and armless Rochester, knowing that despite his flaws, it’s their love that matters.

I think I'm going to take my dating advice from another Bronte sister--Emily. Clearly the best way to win a man's love forever and ever is to marry someone else and die in childbirth. Works like a charm, even though your children that live on after you may not be so happy with the circumstances you leave behind.

Romantic notions aside, the lesson that Jane teaches women is: stay true to yourself. Never settle or make excuses for a relationship that you know is not right for you. Ignore societal pressures to snag a certain type of man. So what if he doesn’t drive a BMW or hold a high-powered position? How does he make you feel? In the long run, that’s what is important.

This is important advice--don't be materialistic. This will come in handy when we examine the dating advice from one Jane Austen.

Jo March, the gangly tomboy character in Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women, also teaches a lesson about self-acceptance. Disregarding 18th-century dictates, Jo uses slang, whistles, races and lies on rugs. Much to the dismay of her family, she can’t seem to learn how to act like a lady. Realizing that she is happy as she is, Jo never changes and unwittingly inspires the love of Laurie and Professor Bhaer. What single women can learn from this is to always be yourself and someone will appreciate you for you. Never mind current trends, or fashion; be comfortable with who you are and a potential mate is bound to notice.

What women can actually learn from Jo is be yourself and the boy that everyone thinks is meant for you forever will actually marry your prettier sister and you'll end up marrying a craggy old fart and disappointing your readership forever.

In Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet learns about the value of discernment. Convinced that Darcy is arrogant and proud, she refuses his advances. Later, she realizes that she has allowed hearsay and gossip to influence her opinion of Darcy, who turns out not to be proud at all, only shy. The moral of this story is to never let first impressions or gossip cloud your opinions.

Again, if you actually read the book, this clear-cut message can get a little lost. Elizabeth changes her mind about Mr. Darcy after seeing his giant mansion (see above: be materialistic or don't?) and hearing from his servants what a nice man he is, which is in fact letting the opinions of others cloud your judgement. A better lesson might be to scope a man out and find out everything you can about his before you go ahead and marry him. Which isn't bad advice at all.

Also, dammit, she doesn't refuse his advances. He sneers just as much at her in the beginning.

She leaves it at three! There's so much more you can learn from Victorian literature. From Pride and Prejudice alone you can copy Charlotte and decide it's better to marry an idiot than be an old maid. How learning from Maggie in The Mill in the Floss that even if you try to behave, people will still drag your name through the mud? And of course, there's the example of Tess Durbeyfield, who teaches us that by being honest with the man you love, he'll leave you, but you'll always be able to find an abusive rapist to take you in. Yes, the lessons of love you can get from Victorian novels are unparalleled by anything in our less romantic times.