Major players in the college world

Okay, I feel damn near dared to take on this MSN column on college dating, which I previously avoided out of an irrational fear that I may have to draw on my own college memories to ground myself in reality. And then I remembered, there was nothing about my college days that you could characterize as "reality", so I am in a fine position to judge this article that reads like a Penthouse Forum letter-writer's idea of what life is like for college men.

Also, unlike Jon Stewart, I am open to being your monkey.

"First of all, dates were plentiful," boasts James, a psychology major. "There were women I met in the classroom, in the dorms, at parties, at bars and on the campus." But then, things got a little complicated. "Some of the girls I dated knew each other and compared notes," he says. "They realized that I was working my way through one particular sorority."

Already we know this story is made up. If he met women in classrooms, dorms, at parties, at bars and on campus, then how is it he managed to only meet women in the same sorority?

Meanwhile, women he thought were friends wanted to be lovers, and women he thought were lovers wanted to just be friends. His male friends found out he was dating women that they liked. And he was so tired he overslept and missed classes.

It's tough having all these bitches wanting your dick all the time, especially if you have studying to do. I think we can all relate.

There were arguments, there were altercations, there were accusations. "I was so glad to get home for the holiday break," he says. "I needed one."

Back to furtive masturbating to a copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog swiped from his mother.

Fortunately for James, he learned from his mistakes, and the following semester turned out to be a much kinder, gentler college. "I also didn't come out of my dorm room much," he admits.

Thankfully, he brought the catalog back to school with him.

And now for your tips, stud.

Don't overextend yourself. Having a date a night might sound impressive to the fellows, but it's a bit much and way to macho. Don't forget, college is an easy place to emphasize quantity over quality (think nickel beer night). But think in terms of which dates would have been the most fun and interesting, and focus on those.

Plus, if you take a girl out on a second date, she is that much more likely to sleep with you. (A genuinely helpful tip from Mouse Words: Put the catalog away before anyone comes over.)

Decide where friendships end and relationships start. Or vice-versa. The closeness of a college campus confuses this issue, especially between roommates, lab partners, coworkers, etc. Is she a study buddy or someone you want to study? Keep a solid focus.

I hear Adderall helps.

Relationships should not be the reason that you don't go to classes.

Hangovers should be the reason to miss class.

Consider seeing women not connected to your college or university. Meeting women in town or via an online service may keep your love life a bit less complicated.

As you have probably figured out, this article is sponsored by Match.com. I imagine it was quite painful for this writer to struggle over his obligations to his muse and his obligation to insert a plug for the company that keeps him in martinis.

Dorms can be part of the problem. Living in a coed dorm can sound like a blast for a single guy but can play havoc with relationships, especially if you're dating several women simultaneously.

Better to keep them in the same sorority. Sorority girls never talk about who they are dating. They just take off their shirts and beat each other with pillows.

Plus, dorms tend to have hindrances that tend to get you in trouble: hours in which guests can visit, dating policies, noisy residence assistants, etc. Here, it's best to create your own set of rules. Say, for example, that you won't date someone from your floor or from the same building.

I hate to be a spoilsport, but that's exactly why you should date someone from your own floor. If I remember correctly, the biggest problem was sneaking someone in from the outside. Going three doors down isn't really known to cause the resident advisor's radar to go up.