You may be cheating and not even know it

Today at iVillage, my favorite new site, there is an article on how to tell if your partner is cheating. No, not by whether or not he forgets to come home and then when he does he smells like pussy and perfume. That's kid stuff. No, you can figure out if he's cheating by reading emotional cues. Of course, this will require some time and dedication, but what other choice do you have? Trust?

#1 and #2 are biggies. If he's being nice, that means he's skanking around.

1. Your mate is more attentive to your needs than usual. This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of his or her affair.

2. Your mate begins buying you gifts -- lots of gifts. These are "Guilt Gifts" purchased because your partner feels guilty about betraying you and showering you with presents makes him or her feel better.

What you're looking for in a man is someone who doesn't pay attention and doesn't buy you gifts. This means no one else will want him. Or does it?

26. Your mate has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn but when you ask about it, he doesn't want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy.

16. Your mate stops saying, "I love you."

21. Your mate stops being affectionate.

22. Your mate is more interested in reading a book or watching television than talking with you or making love to you.

And the big one:

13. Your mate stops paying attention to you, your children and home-life in general.

So if your mate is paying more attention than usual to you AND quits paying attention, then he's cheating for sure. Check.

Some of these clues seemed a little harsh.

8. Your mate's taste in music suddenly changes. For instance, she always listened to pop music but suddenly starts listening to country music. Your partner might be listening to and growing fond of this new type of music because her lover listens to it.

Reading that, I began to wonder if I was cheating. I mean, I don't have the inclination or energy to cheat, plus there's that ever-present desire not to hurt my boyfriend, but I do go through moods where I suddenly start listening to a lot of a certain kind of music that maybe I didn't listen to so much last week. I always thought it was a mood thing, like how rainy days put you in the mind for jazz and warm nights make you want to listen to danceable stuff. But I guess I'm just cycling through one affair after another, unbeknownst to me or my boyfriend.

10. Your mate continually criticizes another person. She is trying to make you think that type of individual would never be of interest to her, although there actually exists a secret attraction.

My god! I am cheating, and with the President no less. The worst part is that I think that my boyfriend must be cheating with the President, too.

More evidence that you may be cheating and not know it--are you neurotic? Even mildly neurotic?

9. Your mate lacks self-esteem. This doesn't necessarily mean he will go out and have an affair, but an insecure individual often looks to others for guidance. If an insecure person's needs aren't being met, he might find the desired feelings of security and positive feedback in an affair with someone else.

12. Your mate easily becomes offended at the comments, however harmless, that you make.

I didn't mean to cast suspicion on my behavior when I asked, "Does this outfit make my ass look big?" I really, truly just wanted to know. Well, that and be told that I have a cute ass. Who knew being neurotic was such a crime?

But here is the sure sign that you're being cheated on:

19. Your mate would rather spend time with friends than be with you.

And he called it band practice! And I called it drinks with my friends! Waaaaah!

Now that we know that everyone everywhere is cheating all the time, what to do? I propose taking the brave initiative shown by the 11 states that banned gay marriage further and ban all romantic relationships of any kind. If you can't be monogamous, you can't cheat. It's the best cure for adultery there is.