Mouse rant blog vent mouse.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

More from the weird world of products to "fix" the multitude of things that are wrong with women

Who knew from all the lube they sold in the store that vaginal wetness was a problem? I forget where I first got this, but it's been lurking in my files for awhile, and now is as good a time as any, I suppose.

Yes, it's a product to dry up women's natural lubrication for god only knows what reason. Actually, the reason is right there.

Your man will say he feels bigger - you could feel that, too!

It's not size that matters, after all. It's women's repulsive sliminess!

What causes excess vaginal lubrication?
The most common cause of excess vaginal moisture is due to high levels of estrogen in your body.


You're just too damn girly.

Many people say it's impossible to have too much lubrication, is that true?
Vaginal lubrication is like oil in a car engine.


I whipped out my handy mirror after reading that and I can assure you that there are no gears down there. Maybe something's wrong with me....?

What are the ingredients of AbsorbShun natural powder (Anp)?
Anp is made from the finely pulverized cells of an unmodified, naturally occurring maize plant.


Fancy way of saying that they are charging you out the ass for something you can buy for a dollar at the grocery store. That is, you are rubbing cornstarch in your cunt. I guess we should all be grateful they aren't repacking Preparation H for its puckering abilities.

How long does AbsorbShun take to work?
AbsorbShun starts working instantly - NO WAITING.


If you doubt this, I suggest you take a mouthful of cornstarch. Yep, pleasant. The downside is that it's harder to take a swig of Diet Coke to wash it out of your pussy.

How can I be sure that AbsorbShun works?
It is physically impossible for AbsorbShun not too work. Consider sprinkling a dry powder on a wet spot. The powder naturally absorbs the moisture. The more powder you apply, the more moisture you absorb.


Yeah, and you end up with a big pile of paste. Maybe they can call this stuff Love Glue.

Can I use AbsorbShun with a condom?
No. Condom integrity may be compromised.


However, this does give me an idea. Can you imagine someone trying to sell cornstarch to men to put inside condoms? I don't care how many disclaimers you put about it being natural and using words like "maize", I guarantee you that it would not go over well.

How long will 1 bottle last?
Approximately 24 "special evenings". AbsorbShun is the most affordable way to greater sexual pleasure and intimacy.


I imagine if you reduce the amount of lube so that you're all raw and sore for a couple of days after, having sex probably is a rare, "special" occasion indeed.

If I use AbsorbShun natural powder, is it safe to have oral sex?
Yes, your partner may notice a powder taste, however it is not harmful since AbsorbShun is 100% natural. AbsorbShun is NOT dangerous or harmful if consumed.


For fuck's sake. If you have to bribe a man to go down on you by drying it out with cornstarch, just dump him already. Or at least try the hairdryer first.

My vagina is feeling very tender after using AbsorbShun, is there anything I can do?
Although we are not physicians, what I personally use is a protein moisturizer (ie. Mane 'n Tail – Original Hoofmaker). I apply a thin layer to the external area of the vagina avoiding the clitoris. This particular product works very will in reducing most of the tenderness by the next morning.


After you dry it out and then remoisturize it, it's all ready to be tanned and you can make a nice pair of boots out of it.

Edited to add: Thanks for the link, Anne! And for those who want a more positive spin, Jake sent me this link to a Vulva museum.

560 Comments:

Blogger FoolishOwl said...

Wow. That's, like, completely insane.

1/25/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

20 minutes later, waiting for blogger to let me comment, I'm still laughing my ass off.

1/25/2005

 
Blogger Anne said...

Yeah, I commented with a link on a previous entry :)

1/25/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Dry sex" - a preference for a dry, tight vagina, and the use of drying agents to achieve that effect - has contributed to the spread of AIDS in Zimbabwe.

Here is an abstract of an article on how "dry sex" makes condoms more likely to break: http://www.cirp.org/library/disease/HIV/civic1/

Here's another article which discusses the problem of "dry sex": http://www.aegis.com/news/vv/1999/VV991201.html. Which is, of course, that it hurts a whole lot, leads to vaginal lacerations which contribute to the spread of AIDS, and suppresses the vagina's natural bacteria.

I'm horrified to see that this misogynist practice is being advertised here as well. Yuck. Really painful, unpleasant sex - what's to like here? Any guy who demands this should be dumped immediately. Heck, if he's your husband, it's grounds for divorce (and I'm not one to advocate divorce lightly).

Lynn Gazis-Sax

1/25/2005

 
Blogger mythago said...

I'm thinking prank here, given the whois information and the lame spelling.

1/26/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mythago might be right -- there's no disclaimer about it being a joke anywhere, and they've got contact info and everything -- but they also claim to have a review on Jane's Sex Guide, which is a good site, and I sure can't find it.

1/26/2005

 
Blogger Kameron Hurley said...

!!!

RE: "dry sex" - and yes, a "dry, tight vagina" is also seen as more healthy, more clean (and thus "AIDS-free") in Southern Africa. Which is a huge deal (and sadly ironic, particularly because, as said, dry sex will result in a higher failure rate for condoms). There's an amazing amount of crap that women will do to themselves to garner male approval. Stick a false "health" label to it, and you get a lot of women not only experiencing really bad sex, but dying of AIDS in droves.

Which is why, typos aside, I could see this *not* being a joke product.

1/26/2005

 
Blogger Lefty Lucy said...

Hi there! I posted the AbsorbShun entry that caused a lot of this mad blogging on the subject and I am SO. HAPPY. everyone is writing negative things about it. When you google the product now, all you get are lots and lots of "what the hell?" blog/message board postings.

The site is not a joke, no. They have contacted friends of mine for press coverage. The DO have a positive Jane's Guide review, but I think that might be taken down sometime soon.

GO TEAM! Keep talking about the stupidity of it! Yay!

1/26/2005

 
Blogger zuzu said...

And here all this time, I thought the idea was to get a moistie.

Somehow, I don't think it'll be the same to purr, "I'm sooo dry right now."

1/26/2005

 
Blogger Trish said...

Fancy way of saying that they are charging you out the ass for something you can buy for a dollar at the grocery store. That is, you are rubbing cornstarch in your cunt. I guess we should all be grateful they aren't repacking Preparation H for its puckering abilities.This is totally gross, but I have to say it. Models use Preparation H under their eyes to minimize bags because of its puckering abilities.

It is physically impossible for AbsorbShun not too work. Consider sprinkling a dry powder on a wet spot.Like on her side of the bed to soak up his jiz after he comes? Sheesh, so many possible uses. [snark]

1/26/2005

 
Blogger FoolishOwl said...

And here all this time, I thought the idea was to get a moistie.I thought that it was just me with the kinky fetish for having sex with adult women who are sexually aroused. Perhaps I'm not alone.

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Blogger Sapphire7 said...

I am SO grossed out by this product - on so many levels!

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Blogger La Lubu said...

This stuff sounds almost exactly like the paste I used to make for my daughter's diaper rash (which in the early days could get pretty severe, due to her foreshortened bowel). It was a mix of cornstarch and Aquaphor (you can use petroleum jelly)...very absorbent. Cleared up that diaper rash pretty darn quick.

For the life of me, I couldn't imagine anyone icing her cucciniddu with it!

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Blogger mythago said...

I can't imagine why this would be popular in South Africa or anywhere else. I've never talked to a man who thought a dry vagina was anything except painful.

1/27/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only reason I can think of for using this product is some sort of sadomasochism. Except, instead of one partner inflicting pain and the other receiving it, both partners want to be the ones to be in pain.

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11/06/2005

 
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Desperate definitely describes me. Has anyone here read and tried any of the ideas from Desperate for Money? It certainly sounds good...

11/06/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11/06/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11/06/2005

 
Blogger Dotmotor said...

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11/06/2005

 
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11/06/2005

 

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