More from the weird world of products to "fix" the multitude of things that are wrong with women

Who knew from all the lube they sold in the store that vaginal wetness was a problem? I forget where I first got this, but it's been lurking in my files for awhile, and now is as good a time as any, I suppose.

Yes, it's a product to dry up women's natural lubrication for god only knows what reason. Actually, the reason is right there.

Your man will say he feels bigger - you could feel that, too!

It's not size that matters, after all. It's women's repulsive sliminess!

What causes excess vaginal lubrication?
The most common cause of excess vaginal moisture is due to high levels of estrogen in your body.

You're just too damn girly.

Many people say it's impossible to have too much lubrication, is that true?
Vaginal lubrication is like oil in a car engine.

I whipped out my handy mirror after reading that and I can assure you that there are no gears down there. Maybe something's wrong with me....?

What are the ingredients of AbsorbShun natural powder (Anp)?
Anp is made from the finely pulverized cells of an unmodified, naturally occurring maize plant.

Fancy way of saying that they are charging you out the ass for something you can buy for a dollar at the grocery store. That is, you are rubbing cornstarch in your cunt. I guess we should all be grateful they aren't repacking Preparation H for its puckering abilities.

How long does AbsorbShun take to work?
AbsorbShun starts working instantly - NO WAITING.

If you doubt this, I suggest you take a mouthful of cornstarch. Yep, pleasant. The downside is that it's harder to take a swig of Diet Coke to wash it out of your pussy.

How can I be sure that AbsorbShun works?
It is physically impossible for AbsorbShun not too work. Consider sprinkling a dry powder on a wet spot. The powder naturally absorbs the moisture. The more powder you apply, the more moisture you absorb.

Yeah, and you end up with a big pile of paste. Maybe they can call this stuff Love Glue.

Can I use AbsorbShun with a condom?
No. Condom integrity may be compromised.

However, this does give me an idea. Can you imagine someone trying to sell cornstarch to men to put inside condoms? I don't care how many disclaimers you put about it being natural and using words like "maize", I guarantee you that it would not go over well.

How long will 1 bottle last?
Approximately 24 "special evenings". AbsorbShun is the most affordable way to greater sexual pleasure and intimacy.

I imagine if you reduce the amount of lube so that you're all raw and sore for a couple of days after, having sex probably is a rare, "special" occasion indeed.

If I use AbsorbShun natural powder, is it safe to have oral sex?
Yes, your partner may notice a powder taste, however it is not harmful since AbsorbShun is 100% natural. AbsorbShun is NOT dangerous or harmful if consumed.

For fuck's sake. If you have to bribe a man to go down on you by drying it out with cornstarch, just dump him already. Or at least try the hairdryer first.

My vagina is feeling very tender after using AbsorbShun, is there anything I can do?
Although we are not physicians, what I personally use is a protein moisturizer (ie. Mane 'n Tail – Original Hoofmaker). I apply a thin layer to the external area of the vagina avoiding the clitoris. This particular product works very will in reducing most of the tenderness by the next morning.

After you dry it out and then remoisturize it, it's all ready to be tanned and you can make a nice pair of boots out of it.

Edited to add: Thanks for the link, Anne! And for those who want a more positive spin, Jake sent me this link to a Vulva museum.