Wrong question

Random thing that bugs. The question to Cary Tennis today is: Is cheating ever justified? The letter-writer asks it more poetically, of course.

Passion, desire, frantic groping in the dark, warm lips pressed against each other, this is a huge part of why we live. Do we need to abandon this simply because we made a vow -- a vow we meant very sincerely at the time -- but now find ourselves with someone who simply does not have the romantic spark that we crave?

Obviously, my question is not hypothetical. I'm married to a good person, a kind person, but one who isn't very interested in sex, and whose idea of passion does not match mine. Avoiding details, from everything to kissing to oral sex we have different approaches and different wants. This reality was made excessively real to me when I had a recent fling -- the only one of my marriage -- with someone else.

Well, if you put it that way, you almost sympathize with the guy. Cary navel-gazes and figures that his belief that you at least try to work on your marriage must be an eccentricity of his. But I think this guy is being a coward.

I agree, it's too much to ask someone to give up on sex and passion forever because his/her spouse suddenly withdraws, especially if the withdrawal seems to be a permanent thing. But by no means does that give people license to sneak around behind their spouse's back, no questions asked. To my mind, you at least owe the person you live with a chance to make his/her case before you betray them. I'm sure it's a lot harder to ask for an explanation for the lack of sex than to just go elsewhere, but talking to someone is the baseline amount of courage you need in order to make things work.

I have no doubt in my mind it's hard to just ask someone up front why they don't want to have sex with you. But it's probably a lot more miserable to have to explain why you cheated to someone. This guy's looking for an excuse for his cowardice.