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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

This makes me feel like a clown--laughing on the outside, but crying on the inside

Reader Avalon Carthew sent me this barely coherent rant against feminism that is really a cut above your usual strawman thrashing in terms of sheer enjoyment. The writer Rachel Chunko manages to embarrass herself twice over--once for being a dreadful suck-up to male dominance in hopes to get some scraps, perhaps praise for being pretty smart for a dumb cunt, and once more for, and I can barely make myself type this, making up a fictional crowd to approve of her idiocy and injecting this fantasy into her editorial. For what purpose I don't know. It's not like it's hard to get at least a handful of smug assholes to offer condescending praise to a woman who willingly puts down other women, especially if she looks good in a miniskirt.

The crowd falls silent. Rachel Chunko steps onto the soapbox.

Something went wrong between the quiet battles fought by Mary Wollstonecraft and Mary Astell and the graceless, whimpering feminism of today. And it's annoying.

That would be my fault. I ran into the corner of a door with my foot this morning and stubbed my toe. After falling to the ground, I let out a whimper, thereby destroying all credibility that feminism ever had. Feel free to strip away my right to vote.

The feminists I know are not the strong women I hoped they'd be. In reality, they are catty and full of unfounded self-pity.

Meow! You sure showed those feminists from catty!

I'm sure feminism really does rock like a girl with dreadlocks at Lillith Fair, but I have no evidence to that end. Feminism is inherently flawed for two reasons:

Perhaps your problem is that you think rocking with dreadlocks to Sarah McLaughlan is like the height of kicking ass. But don't let me make you feel like your limited experience should have any bearing on your ability to thrash a strawman.

1. Ask a feminist what feminism is, and she'll tell you, "It's about equality between the sexes." Tell a feminist why, logically, the prefix of the movement should not be "fem" and that the concept is therefore inherently flawed, and she'll tell you you're wrong and then not be able to tell you why. Feminism should be "equitism" by their logic, but it's not.

We have our first lie. This conversation never happened, or if it did, it only happened once. Why do I say? The answer to this inquiry is obvious--feminism starts with "fem" is that we don't have an "any means necessary" approach to achieving equality, but instead choose to promote the interests of "fems" until equality is achieved.

And now some free psychoanalysis:

2. It seems as if feminists, for the most part, find themselves in some way incompetent or incomplete as women.

Yep, she used the "feminists just need some dick" argument. It's true, of course. I haven't had sex in, damn, like hours or something and already my uterus has begun to wander around, causing hysterical thoughts like, "Why the hell do women still only make 76 cents to a man's dollar?"

All neo-feminism does is dwell on the differences among people, rather than work from the starting point we're all given. In this modern environment, aren't we past the need for such pronounced separations?

Who knew that Larry Summers was actually spreading covert neo-feminism? I thought I saw him dreading his hair at the Lilith Fair.

For some reason, it's unpleasant to be reminded of the feminist dogma. There's nothing worse than people who can't laugh at themselves.

I can think of something worse--people who make imaginary supporters to applaud them.

The feminists are everywhere.

Like roaches in Houston. And like Houston roaches, we can fly, too.

I am female, strong and capable.

Well, your imaginary admirers certainly agree.

When Virginia Woolf stood and proclaimed that a woman needs a room of her own to sit and think -- that a woman does think -- it was never meant to transform into worship of the mason jar that holds Gertrude Stein's testicles preserved in formaldehyde.

I read that sentence like 15 times trying to make fun of it and then realized that really, it's circular and whole and needs no embellishment from me to make you spit your drink all over your keyboard.

It does raise the question--don't you all think that Woolf would have a blog and write an introspective, soul-searching post about how she'd like to link to women bloggers but she doesn't know any besides Wonkette?

In a gesture of triumph, Rachel throws up her arms. The crowd looks at her quizzically, and then bursts into rousing applause. She quiets them and continues.

The imaginary crowd had a very real moment there when they thought she was done and they were free, but nope, they are stuck with her longer. Perhaps she will next suggest that Frieda Kahlo painted with her penis.

Even white males are oppressed in today's society in some form or another, and so is the woman who just wants to sing Chaka Khan and be every woman.

All those women who marched on D.C. last year where marching for the right to have men who don't screw around because we're all they need. I think. I mean, what else could it have been about?

It's generally not pleasant to be around a modern feminist. She has to tell you about it.

Who do those feminists think you are, Rachel? Foolish women, thinking Rachel is some female, and that she should give a shit about women's issues as if that had any bearing on her life.

But where is the activism? She keeps talking about what she believes. But what is she doing about it?

Hear hear! I'll bet those lazy feminists are sitting on their asses right this minute.

Modern feminism is a load of crap. Conceptually, it is a wonderful force to help women through their hard times and to band together in times of fragmented strength. In practice, however, feminism falls short.

Cause we're all cats, no doubt about it. I hate all those other feminist bitches and they hate me and we just can't ever do anything together peacefully.

A joyous cry is heard from the crowd, "Finally, somebody said it!"

What bravery! My god, no one has ever had the guts to criticize a feminist before this moment in time. It is truly an act of selfless courage that is both tantalizingly feminine in its selflessness but also refreshingly masculine in its courage. Women want to be you and men will give you honorary manhood, I'm sure of it.

Feminists say they're strong, but they aren't.

It's true. I can't bench press a jar of spaghetti sauce.

It doesn't count to be sitting in a room with a feminist and to be told why you're wrong.

Persuading other women to join the cause has never done anyone a lick of good that we know of.

I drink for free when I wear a low cut shirt. Now that's powerful.

Hell, that's nothing. Suck a cock on South Congress and you can get your payment in cash. Now that's powerful.

The female body is powerful, just like the female mind. It has inspired great art, courtly love and the Wonder Bra. Let's all just enjoy it.

We feminists stand firmly against women enjoying their own bodies.

Your convictions arose freshman year when you didn't know anybody and went to a Campus Women's Organization meeting to make friends.

When you should have been letting frat boys buy you lewdly named shooters in exchange for staring at your boobies.

You're lying: You're not strong nor are you equal, because you separate yourselves.

Okay, y'all. I know Rachel is a drag what with the Boobies Are More Powerful Than the Sword crap, but look what shunning her has caused--she has to make up friends.

Rachel Chunko descends from her soapbox. The crowd gives her thunderous applause.

However, I do think the soapbox is real.

Rachel Chunko is a chauvanistic pig. Castrate her at (and no I'm not including her email address).

Castrate her?! What a sorry choice--be a feminist and be told you need some dick or be an anti-feminist and think you have a dick. But I think I'll go with the former, because otherwise I may get caught in an airport Spinal Tap-style trying to trick people.

311 Comments:

Blogger Linnaeus said...

It's a minor point, maybe, but I get very tired of the mixed messages anti-feminists send about feminists and sex.

On one hand, feminists are slutty because they actually think having sex is 1) fun in its own right, 2) doesn't have to result in a pregnancy, and 3) doesn't have to end in a marriage, or even a long-term relationship.

On the other hand, feminists are anti-women's bodies and want to cover women up to keep them from men's prying eyes. Funny, I've known more than one feminist who didn't mind showing off her body and - shocker! - didn't mind if you looked as long as you 1) didn't stare like an idiot or 2) grope her. Boy, those screechy feminists!

Maybe I'm just missing something....

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Kyso K. said...

The picket lines and refuted logic have gone away, replaced with a tension that is shockingly similar to the one created by the current Republican political control of this country. They're right, but we don't know why they're right. So we also can't really say they're wrong. .

I don't normally use alot of netspeak, but...

OMGWTFBBQ!!!11!?

Who is the "they" in that statement? What are they right about? And who is tense about it? I can think of at least three ways to gramatically interpret that statement, and none of them make the implicit analogy work.

Now let's go to the comments:

Phillip says:
Wow, I read this column in statistics and was just completely taken away by the sheer....ineptitude of it...First of all, this article doesn't really seem to have a point. Is this columnist attacking feminism or feminists?.

and also:
Secondly, like all other women (or at least those who can't afford plastic surgery), eventually this columnist's body and breasts will start deteriorating and by age 40 compared to some hot 20 year-old it won't be worth it to let her in free. Are you still empowered then? Empowerment means access to make decisions about your own life regardless of one's body condition, not getting into bars for free....Lastly, this column was horribly written with little coherence and no amount of flow between segregated topics..

K. Schuler says:
As a woman and a human rights activist, I am deeply offended by your article....Perhaps in nations like the United States, we--women-- have made some headway, but globally, the fight has just begun...getting free beer is nice, but perhaps men should get free beer for showing off their sexuality as well. But they dont.
Ms.Chunko, I am what a feminist looks like.
.

Randee says:
I don稚 believe anyone well versed in feminist history is giving Rachel Chunko applause for her misguided article. Ms. Chunko, get off the soapbox and into the library where you can read about what is currently happening with feminism and the women痴 movement. .
In counterpoint,Lizzie says (in entirety)
Agree completely. Love the column..

Trish also offers (also in its entirety)
Well put, I hate feminists.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger bitchphd said...

Mary Wollstonecraft, the quiet feminist.

Mmm-hmm.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger djw said...

It's a little known fact that Mary Wollestonecraft tried very hard to stop the unauthorized publication of Vindication of the Rights of Women. She was concerned that some of her ideas might upset her good friends Tom Paine and Edmund Burke, which would make her sad.
---
Rants like this remind me of those old Folgers commercials in terms of their plausibility. Anyone whose actually knows a few feminists or has drank real coffee can only gap in disbelief that claims like this can be made with a straight face.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Pseudo-Adrienne said...

So we feminist women love and hate sex, and love and hate women's bodies?....yeah.....

Give that little girl a cookie for being an expert of schizophrenia and feminism.

I also noticed, that while these anti-feminist women rave against feminist women, they (the antifeminist women) love stereotypical and sexist primetime tv shows such as "Everyone Loves Raymond", which depicts all men as stupid immature little boys who need a mother all the time. I just love it how antifeminist women show how they're the ones with the contempt and disdain for men this way.

3/08/2005

 
Anonymous Linchpin said...

I wonder how much she got for her soul.
Probobly got dick.

3/08/2005

 
Anonymous mythago said...

Am I the only one suspecting that "Rachel" is in reali life most likely a college prebusiness major named Bob?

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Not only are your counter points well thought out and well written, but you are hilarious as well! Massive applause in your direction. :)

AMG
http://www.anonymousmidwestgirl.com

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Anne said...

In a gesture of triumph, Rachel throws up her arms. The crowd looks at her quizzically, and then bursts into rousing applause....Uh huh. THAT makes sense.

Not to sound catty, but I think she might be bitter for having "Chunko" as a last name.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Anne said...

In a gesture of triumph, Rachel throws up her arms. The crowd looks at her quizzically, and then bursts into rousing applause....Uh huh. THAT makes sense.

Not to sound catty, but I think she might be bitter for having "Chunko" as a last name.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Anne said...

In a gesture of triumph, Rachel throws up her arms. The crowd looks at her quizzically, and then bursts into rousing applause....Uh huh. THAT makes sense.

Not to sound catty, but I think she might be bitter for having "Chunko" as a last name.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Anne said...

In a gesture of triumph, Rachel throws up her arms. The crowd looks at her quizzically, and then bursts into rousing applause....Uh huh. THAT makes sense.

Not to sound catty, but I think she might be bitter for having "Chunko" as a last name.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger FoolishOwl said...

I love it when anti-feminists try to come up with some more inclusive term for proponents of a consistently egalitarian society. Back in the day, the term for such people was "socialist," but I suspect that doesn't test well with focus groups drawn from corporate CEOs and RNC officials.

There is a need for more open and highly visible political activism. That's not to say that there isn't any -- any activist can tell you that there's more work to do than hours in a day to do it in. What we need is more activists.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

I think my favorite thing about this is that she stands against feminist goals and then demands that we work harder for them.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Elinor said...

"Suck a cock on South Congress and you can get your payment in cash. Now that's powerful."

You are the BEST.

*applauds...and I'm a real person, even!*

3/08/2005

 
Anonymous John said...

Thank fuck - just like Pandagon last week, but without the douchebag trolls. I love you.

3/08/2005

 
Anonymous Erin said...

Hmmph...have you ever read a blog post of such oustanding idiocy and juvenile logic that you get worked up to the point where your boyfriend comments on the fact that you're muttering obscenities under your breath at the computer monitor, and then you click on the link to read the offending original article, and it's coming from your OWN HOMETOWN? Dammit. I could hear the "wah-wah-WAH" trumpets as the page loaded. I express shame on behalf of the entire city of Pittsburgh.

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Dr Pretorius said...

I propose a simple solution to this whole women against feminists sort of thing.

Women who want equal rights get them. Women who don't, don't. The rights they don't get include the sorts of rights necessary to have their voices heard, but since they don't want those to begin with - no problem!

And everyone is happy. Isn't that sensible?

3/08/2005

 
Blogger Hugo said...

Love it, love it, love it -- you were in rare and magical form with this one, Amanda. A classic to go in your top 5 of '05 at the end of the year.

3/08/2005

 
Anonymous Diane said...

I first read this at a Chaka Khan site (it was an otherwise boring evening and I wanted to sing Chaka Khan and be every woman--well, not quite every woman) and was too disgusted by it to really react. Now, thanks to you, I'm falling over my chair laughing.

I'm pretty sure our Rachel is a man, too. And if he is, then I have to ask: Why does he think the "crowd" won't listen to what a man has to say about those crazy feminists?

I'm turning down the invitation to castrate "Rachel." I mean, wouldn't she first have to pose some kind of threat?

3/08/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We hate that, in these modern times, some women think that college means earning an Mrs. degree.

Chunko has quite a - ahem - repertoire as a columnist for the Pitt paper. Her previous articles include "Father Still Knows Best. And It Really Sucks, Doesn't It?" [insert cheap suck joke here] It's essentially a "Daddy did it all" ode. She writes, "Your voice in my head is quite possibly the only reason I'm graduating college at all." If her daddy's voice is the only reason she's graduating college, then we'd hate to see her grades.

Her anti-feminist screed seems to be a blatant attempt to transfer her affections from Daddy to Hubby. If she needs a voice in her head to get her homework done, she probably needs a male voice in her head to live day to day.

3/09/2005

 
Blogger Roxanne said...

I tried posting the whole "thank a feminist" thing over at Pitt's site and it was rejected by the moderator.

3/09/2005

 
Blogger zuzu said...

I'm still wondering about Gertrude Stein's testicles.

3/09/2005

 
Blogger drumgurl said...

Yeah, their moderator rejected my comments, too.

I wonder what will happen to Chunko when she turns 40 and has saggy boobies. Will she then no longer be "powerful"?

The funny thing is, she is exactly the type of woman Men's Rights Activists hate. I frequented a forum of their's, and they think it's the *feminists* who are the gold-diggers using their boobie-power to take their money. So Chunko is not likely to get support from that audience-- no matter what her imaginary friends tell her.

I see her kind all the time on campus. They are so insecure and delusional that it's hard not to laugh when these princess-wannabes fall from grace. Hee hee.

3/09/2005

 
Blogger drumgurl said...

Yeah, their moderator rejected my comments, too.

I wonder what will happen to Chunko when she turns 40 and has saggy boobies. Will she then no longer be "powerful"?

The funny thing is, she is exactly the type of woman Men's Rights Activists hate. I frequented a forum of their's, and they think it's the *feminists* who are the gold-diggers using their boobie-power to take their money. So Chunko is not likely to get support from that audience-- no matter what her imaginary friends tell her.

I see her kind all the time on campus. They are so insecure and delusional that it's hard not to laugh when these princess-wannabes fall from grace. Hee hee.

3/09/2005

 
Blogger jeff said...

As much as I actually like Sarah McLaughlin, NOBODY rocks out to her. You SWAY to Sarah.

3/09/2005

 
Blogger Trish said...

Good fisking, as usual. You really skewered her.

I got a kick out of the tired call for the "end" of feminism and for it to be replaced with "equitism." Behind it are scads of angry men and the women who support them who say "men are oppressed! Women have their rights! Stop focusing on feminism and think about ME (token angry guy or angry female cheerleader who supports him)."

3/09/2005

 
Anonymous patter said...

Sure, "Rachel," no need for women's rights 'round here.

3/09/2005

 
Blogger Jessica Feministing said...

Great job, Amanda.

My question is--how should I feel about the fact that a Google search on
"Rachel Chunko" brings up: Anal Women Pics Pictures Girls Anal Sex?

3/09/2005

 
Anonymous George Frier said...

I think you all need to get a fucking life. It was a article in a college paper. Reading "This makes me feel like a clown--laughing on the outside, but crying on the inside" made me want to tear my eye balls out on the outside and slit my wrists on the inside. I think you probably spent the better part of your weekend thinging up this "story" just to make yourself seem like your important to the public/blogger community. And you think people really care about your opinion and what comes out of that mouth of yours. If writing such a criticizing article makes you feel like a better person, then i say good for you. As for me, i'd rather have been raped by a dog.

George Frier
Sophomore at U of Pitt

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