10 things you need to know about men

From iVillage and by Richie Sambora. Sambora couldn't tell you shit about playing guitar, and he's a guitarist. So why do we assume he knows something about being a man? As usual, we women are presumed pretty clueless when it comes to men. Men, however, know everything they need to know about us.

Men know what women want. But if we gave it to you all the time, then you'd want something else and we'd be screwed. We know you want us to be sensitive and romantic and sweet. We can do that. But we want to keep you guessing. If you had sex and diamonds every day, pretty soon you'd be sick of sex and diamonds -- and then where would we be?

Ah yes. The relationship-as-war model. The philosophy behind it is that if you give the other person what they want, even things that seem mutually beneficial like sex without head games, then the other person "wins" and you must "lose". The downside to this? The crying and fighting. The upside, however, is that when you make someone cry, that's how you know they love you.

We actually like to be romantic. Believe it or not, we like to cuddle and kiss as much as you do. We just need the occasional nudge. Preferably, the nudge won't come while we're watching football or The Sopranos. And, when you want us to be romantic, remember: There's no such thing as a bad G-string.

Upon reading this, I imagined Sambora in a G-string and, no offense good sir, but there is such a thing as a bad G-string. I mean, romantic gifts are nice and all, but when I buy clothes for my guy as a romantic present, I prefer--

Oh, I'm sorry. I think he meant that if you want him to be romantic you should parade around in a G-string. Hopefully after the kids go to bed, of course.

We know you call and hang up. But it's cool. Being checked up on is kind of flattering.

Nice to know that he still dates 15-year-olds. I guess it's hard to get grown women who have some pride to flatter you like this.

If you say, "call me," we won't -- at least not for a few days. It doesn't mean we don't like you; it's just our way of playing hard to get.

The way you know he likes you is he acts like he forgot your name and only called you when masturbating got kinda boring. If he calls and generally acts like he enjoys your company, he doesn't like you. Sweet....Thanks for the tip. Luckily, whether the object of interest is a game-playing asshole or not, the way you should behave is exactly the same. Only date people who are polite enough to show interest by returning calls promptly. That way, the polite ones get dates and the game players have to rethink their strategy. Simple!

We do masturbate -- almost as much as you do.

Ya' think? And here I was thinking that all those advertisements for movies on the Internet with nekkid women in them demonstrated a sudden, inexplicable interest in European coming of age art films. Well, at least now I know that the gamine ingenue hasn't actually given way to modern marvels of plastic surgery.

We want to make you feel good, both physically and emotionally, but you have to tell us what to do.

Okay, well to start off, don't play games by withholding sex or "forgetting" to call to get women under your thumb. Having your self-esteem lowered to make you more pliable doesn't feel as good as you'd think.

We wouldn't care what we look like if you didn't care what we look like.

However, there's every reason to believe that if women didn't want to impress men, the world would still have the Wonderbra.

We want you to be our mothers.

Heather Locklear is a saint. And now I have the unfortunate image of her man calling her Mommy and I'm all upset.

We don't mind it when you dress us.

If he asks for a sponge bath next, I hope Locklear takes a moment to remember that she is a stunning beauty who has exactly zero reason to fear that she's headed for spinsterhood if she suddenly gave up playing Airplane in order to get her husband to eat.

We're terrified you'll break our hearts. All men are afraid of getting too close, too fast. So, if we seem standoffish, it's not because we don't like you.

The logic behind getting someone to think you don't like them in order to get them to stick around is pretty much the same logic in use by people who claim that they don't want to wear a seatbelt because they'd rather get "thrown free" from the car in an accident. Getting tossed into a wall at 70 mph isn't a great way to survive, and making someone think you don't like them isn't really the best way to get them to stick around.

Alas, one thing Sambora neglects to mention is if he believes in the Pussy Oversoul, a concept described by zuzu here and, coincidentally, the name of my new imaginary punk band. Though I am keeping the name Clitty Litter in the pocket, just to be on the safe side.