Don't mess with Texas

Via Roy Edroso, we learn that the motherfucks at the Wall Street Journal think it would be cute to "dismember" Texas to gain Senate seats. Alright, I've already made jokes about how Tom Delay's lackeys were so intent on dividing up the Democratic vote that they drew the line right down the middle of my bed. They better not think they're cute and try to get Austin divvied up into two different states.

Conservatives in Texas have always been in love with Texas's "special" right to divvy itself up into 5 small states whenever it wishes. It's true, as the WSJ cocksuckers mention, that this possibility was one of many things that were added into negotiations for Texas to join the Union. Think about it for just a moment why they might want to break Texas, which was a sovereign nation at the time, into smaller states to break down what was already an arrogant self-regard that Texans had for themselves. Consider even more that this arrogant self-regard was particularly threatening in a slave state that would be joining other slave states that were already making noises about leaving the Union. The jackoffs at WSJ neglect to mention how racism played into the creation of the plan and probably had alot to do with the abandonment of it, since if Texas joined as five slave states it would have added 10 instead of 2 pro-slavery members to the Senate. The "debate" about whether or not to break up into 5 separate states (sometimes less) is still mostly about racism. Most people who think it's a nifty idea think so because it would mean that they could move to one of the "whiter" states that would be formed. Great glee is expressed particularly in the idea of just slicing El Paso and the whole Rio Grande Valley area from the rest of the state.

The map that Roy has on his site should demonstrate why divvying us up into 5 states wouldn't create 8 more conservative Senators. Actually, without all the gerrymandering we've been subjected to, that map would have even more blue on it. Much of the Rio Grande Valley is attached to more conservative parts of the state in order to cancel out Hispanic votes. West Texas is so sparsely populated that El Paso would dominate all state politics, and El Paso always goes for the Dems. It would be hard to find a way to stick Austin in the right state to cancel out its liberal voting bloc. Even after all the gerrymandering we just went through, it still looks like Doggett, the House member that Delay specifically had a hard-on to get rid of, is still going to get a seat this next election.

The Wall Street Journal needs to stay the fuck away from my state. It's clear that these writers think they are clever because they dug up an old law that allows us to break up, but that's actually something that every schoolboy and fire-breathing, Delay-voting moron in Texas knows about. Their ignorance is just laughable.

But wouldn't it be kind of sad to see the Lone Star State dismembered, merely for political fun and profit? We've all met Texans who think that there's something "national" and sacred about Texas being, well, Texas. But sentimental schlock shouldn't prevail over rugged western realism (not to mention self-interest). Texas has grown too big for its britches (in a good way). The ironic consequence is that Texas is woefully underrepresented in national politics.

No, it wouldn't be fun to see the most iconic state shape in the country dismembered. There is something special about Texas, namely that we still cling to each other despite massive political differences. We all agree, for instance, that Oklahoma sucks, the Aggies need to close their damn mouths before they catch flies, that the Cowboys will probably be a great team again, and the perfect margarita is a grand thing indeed. We all also know the secret to making cowboy boots look good and often downright sexy.

And, dumbass WSJ toe-suckers, do you know how stupid it sounds to say that Texas is "woefully" underrepresented just because we have only two Senators? For fuck's sake, isn't two enough? Between the bubblehead and the box turtle luv-or, haven't we punished the Senate enough? But even if you think that we deserve more Senators, how can you possibly say that the state that is home to the President and the House Majority Leader is underrepresented? In the latter half of the century, Texas has put into the White House 3 Presidents and 2 Vice Presidents. We are doing just fine and are in fact running the world like it was a local oil company with the good ol' boy management style. Think of Hank Hill's boss on "King of the Hill". Imagine him running the world. There you go.

This only makes the morons chortle in glee because they think we are all a buncha stupid hicks who can be continually tricked into voting for big-haired, Bible-thumping idiots. They are sorely mistaken. Texans aren't all Republican. Don't forget that Willie Nelson was at the Democratic National Convention. It's true that the Shrub has a lot of support here. But he also can expect being full-on mocked here.