High-maintenance women

Or, she should be absolutely perfect but never let you know how much work it is. They women who don't hide this successfully fit into the stereotype of the High Maintenance Woman. And MSN is here to help men avoid those women who might have demands and stuff. Now, the four signs that a woman is high maintenance:

High H.B.A. factor. Rookie observers, remember the H.B.A. acronym (which stands for “Health, Beauty & Accessories”).

It's best to date homely women with health problems who don't wear jewelry, I guess. No, just kidding! Again, beauty and health are critical, but it's all shot to shit if she doesn't make it seem effortless.

As in, obsessed with H.B.A. Scan the latest trendy store, restaurant or bar and you’ll spot high-maintenance women easily in their natural habitat. Ground zero for the high-maintenance species are beauty salons, malls and occasionally, the health club. (Yes, female gym rats can be high maintenance, although scientists say it’s a rare occurrence.)

This seems like advice for finding these high maintenance women. Do men generally cruise the beauty salons and trendy stores in the mall looking for dates? And what is this mall crap anyway? Any super-materialistic worth his or her salt would stick to the boutiques, I would think.

Is she dressed to the nines at the grocery store? Is she sporting full-tilt makeup and big hair at the health club when other women are in sweats and no makeup? Look closer and you’ll find what constitutes high-maintenance is as varied as her patchwork quilt or designer bag, her intricately painted toenails or her voracious appetite for beauty treatments.

That is, despite the fact that we told you we'd explain what to look for, we're actually going to leave it up to you, the reader, to figure out what the hell to look for. Suffice it to say, you need to inspect her every move to make sure that she never does anything that distracts from her main job, which is being there for her man. Sure, those manicured hands may look nice, but do you know how hard it is to get any cleaning done with fake fingernails?

Emotional insecurity. High maintenance women can be as insecure as a lost toddler. They can freak out if you even so much as give an extended glance at another woman, among other indicators of emotional neediness. Her neediness often requires her to control and direct your behavior.

Don't forget that any woman can immediately turn into a stalker at any point in time. Sure, the crime statistics may indicate that controlling, jealous men are more common than controlling, jealous women, but Hollywood says otherwise. And we all know Hollywood never lies.

Controlling. Is she always instructing you to call her or sets rules around things? (Example: “Call me at work tomorrow at 2 p.m.”) Worse yet, she might express anger or manipulate you to get you to do what she wants. A range of ploys such as her demands to call frequently, fix-it items, and transportation needs (“Can you pick me up?”) are all ways to keep you on a short leash or otherwise attempt to control your behavior.

If she needs a ride somewhere and it's cutting into your sitting around time, she is trying to castrate you. Better put a kibosh on that.

Communications. Guys, if she talks like this, run: “Like, oh my God, I was on the way to the mall and…” (At your own risk, remind her that “Valleyspeak” went out in the 1990s with Frank Zappa.)

Don't date women who say, "like" or "ohmigod!" ever. This means avoiding all women under 45, since they all say these things once in awhile. That men do as well is irrelevant.

Pay attention to what she talks about for it’s the critical indicator of what might – or might not be – going on in her brain.

Hmmm....all of a sudden MSN thinks inquiring what a woman is thinking is a good thing. What's going on here?

Is it all about her, shopping and her friends? Chances are you have a high-maintenance girl on your hands. I say “girl” because rarely are mature women really that high maintenance. If they are, they may be limited to the divorcée set, who brandish fake dark tans, fake body parts, overprocessed hair and enough bling-bling to make you squint.

A mature woman doesn't think about friends, shopping or themselves. She knows that these things are distractions from thinking about how to make her many happy. And that's why she can keep a man, unlike those divorcées.

If you follow MSN's dating advice, then then horrible things won't happen to you.

Look in the mirror. Make absolutely certain that you’re not the one crying foul. Could you be high maintenance yourself? Consider the case of Michelle, now 42, who a decade ago broke up with a serious boyfriend, Jeremy. They had dated a year and a half and Michelle graciously declined his proposal for marriage and broke it off. “He accused me of being a materialistic you-know-what. Guess he was pretty raw, even after I told him not to buy an engagement ring.” Michelle was never high maintenance. She drives an older car that’s paid off, makes her own coffee every morning and has owned the same home for many years.

Wait a minute. I don't get this example. It seems to be a warning about men being high maintenance themselves, but there's no indication here that he is anything but a whiner and an asshole. And not very good at insults. The lesson here seems to be, when calling a woman a materialistic bitch, try to avoid doing so after she's done something gallant and anti-materialistic.

The picnic test. If you have doubts about her high-maintenance level, put it to the test. See how she handles an impromptu picnic. Suggest casual food from the deli, a cookout, or wine, bread and cheese. Then, gauge her reactions carefully.

As usual, the best way to form a good relationship is to play games. Ask a woman if she wants a turkey sub or wine and cheese. Base your entire judgement of her character on what she feels like eating at the moment. What are men supposed to do when dating a woman who sometimes feels like wine and cheese in the park and sometimes enjoys a good cookout? Well, such women, like John Kerry, are clearly flip-floppers and should be dumped immediately. Believing that variety is the spice of life is the sort of thing that foreigners do. Be especially careful if she likes wines with French-sounding names like chardonnay or merlot.