Mouse rant blog vent mouse.

Monday, November 01, 2004

An apology and many, many thoughts

Sorry I haven't posted this weekend. In all honesty, this election has turned mine into a one-track mind. My realistic approach has been severely compromised by participating in the national breath-holding that this election has become. The House of Mouse is so riled up that we actually freaked out when Green Bay won today, not because anyone gives a high holy shit about the Packers, but because we had heard a certain legend. I don't have much to add on the whole subject of the election, so I've bowed out.

That being said, my obsession with gender, sex, etc. has not gone unheeded. Tonight we went to the Dwarves show, a huge event considering the brillance of their new album. As is usual with hard core punk shows, the lonely guy contingent was out in spades. Usually this goes without mention, but tonight was slightly different, mostly because the band that opened for them was a an-girl local band the Applicators who are well-liked and most welcome for those of us in the audience who needed an old-fashioned rocking out. They were great and had fabulous Halloween costumes, coming dressed all at the characters from Kill Bill. During the show we had a blast, but right as they left stage the yearnings of the lonely boy crowd was so thick you had to cut throw it to move.

(Warning: The rest of this post will deal in explicit sexual terms.)

I observed that it's a shame that more women were not comfortable in the punk scene, which is the direct cause of the lonely boy syndrome. This caused my boyfriend to go off. His points were utterly valid and astute and gosh durnnit I'm proud of him. He said it's common sense to note that if women are on stage, then the women in the audience will feel more welcome, more open and therefore they are more likely to come to shows. (This veered off into a long discussion about which I shan't bore you with details.)

The thing that amused me out of the whole discussion was the conclusion--female emancipation benefits men. And since I had a recent encounter with my right wing enemies on this very subject, I was ready to make some connections.

Yesterday we watched a documentary on Trio about the effects of the push for abstinence going on in schools our tax dollars, or at least the citizens of Lubbock, pay for. It's a must-see for anyone concerned about the crap that passes for sex ed in our schools, but it was a real lightening rod for me as well. (Watch it if you have a chance--it makes explicable our inexplicably stupid attitudes.) When I attended school in the Bible Belt, we suffered from some misinformation. But I was truly unaware of how the virginity pledges work--the parental pressure, the social acceptance for taking one, and most importantly being given a ring on your wedding finger, which grants the chastity vow an equivalence to marriage.

I told my mother about all this in breathless tones, and she laughed and told me that my very own cousin had taken such a pledge at the age of 12. I shook my head--I won't lie--I was angry. This girl's older sister had a child out of wedlock at 19 and just recently another at 21 that she didn't want (Jesus forbids abortion, etc. and bullshit like that). When the elder sister first fell pregnant I asked her if she used anything--she did--but she used it badly out of miseducation. In the right world, we wouldn't scold girls for having normal feelings. In the right world, we wouldn't get girls to sign contracts they will almost surely ignore eventually but leave them uneducated on how to protect themselves. I heard my cousin took the pledge at 12 and I just banged my head against the steering wheel and said I hope she's not pregnant at 17.

All this points to reason #1, the most obvious reason, that female emancipation makes men's lives better. Women start emancipation by taking hold of their reproductive potential. Men often resent and fight this, but those who do are only hurting themselves. Women who lose guilt over sex are usually handle the contraception well and make the whole thing a delight.

#2 follows that naturally. It's easy to pick on the lonely guys who hang out at shows. Most of them are good looking, at least decent, and should have no problems with women. So what's the problem? Well, the ugly sexism of the scene cripples the situation. A lot of men are in fact crippled by overly high expectations, but most men I know are crippled by the approach/rejection system.

Not saying that's women's fault, as much as Mens News would have us believe otherwise. But women are pretty much on guard at all times, out of completely reasonable fear. For instance, tonight my boyfriend ducked into a bathroom for a quick pee and in the meantime a creepy dude approached me and challenged me for having a too-thoughtful expression on my face. (I was considering the importance of shock value against what I would consider genuine musical talent--I refuse to apologize for organizing debates in my head.) Safety-minded, I cruelly blew him off and walked away.

I have a boyfriend, but before I did I met many a guy with high expectations--women should be perfect, sweet and somehow independent minded. Female emancipation would relieve guys of the need to find the "perfect" girlfriend and they could get on with their lives.

# 3 is the grossly sexual part that I think should be obvious but is clearly not. (You've been warned.) Women clearly have sexual stamina and power, and probably desire, that puts men's to shame. Women have been shamed and degraded for so long that this basic biological fact gets lost, but anyone who spends a decent amount of time bothering to learn about these things will notice the vast gap between the myth that women are indifferent to sex and the reality that women have a far more voracious appetite than men pretty quickly.

Watching that documentary, the basic fear of women's voracious sexuality was evident. They interviewed a couple that waited until marriage, and prior to the marriage they were forced to go through a long series of marriage counseling exercises through the church. (I think this is a good idea in theory, but every couple I know who did this divorced anway, so I think there's a flaw or two or a dozen.) And part of the counseling was about men and women's sexual differences, and it was very Mars and Venus basic stuff--men pop off quickly, women take longer to arouse.

The problems that came from this ill-informed model of human sexuality were immediately apparent. The groom obviously loved his bride deeply and desired great sexual satisfaction for her. But he had never been told that a woman is properly satisfied by bringing her to orgasm one after another for a good time before even getting yours. That's the sort of basic information that gets left behind in all the "sex is an loving act in a marriage" talk.

It's also the the information that people who consider themselves hip or bohemian or whatever miss, though. That much is apparent viewing the row of lonely guys at show who gaze longingly.

It's no secret that lots of men who fancy themselves hipsters stick to pretty retrograde ideas of the gender roles. But the veneer of hip shields them from the criticism that is aimed at the super-Christians, and unfairly. Smart men know that they can cultivate the best relationships, or at least the best sex, with independent women. And it's not hard--just avoid the three fallacies I described. Print it out on a card or something if you have memory problems, but here they are boiled down.

* Women's emancipation means that birth control is a right, not a luxury. Men are now permitted to inquire in their partner's method and pursue their own. More importantly, now that women view child-bearing as a choice, men can, too. Generally men and women work together to decide when or if children will be born--of course there are abuses, but for the first time in history, men and women work as partners to make this decision.

*Part of truly assisting in women's emancipation is fully embracing the notion that women have as much agency as men, even when it comes to sex. I have learned this lesson from men more than women, be that as it may. Women have things to be afraid of; don't try to humiliate them for this. But more important than any other thing--women are flawed humans, just like your friends. Don't expect "love" to make things work. Romantic love was invented to make women more congenial to subservience, and has no place in modern life.

*The best favor you can do for yourself and your sex life, be you male or female, is accept the obvious--women have bigger appetites and are more insatiatiable. Consider the fact that contrary to biological fact we tend to think of women as the sex that cares for sex less. Realize how powerful sexism is that it distracts us from something that is right under our nose but we don't notice because of our prejudice. To my mind, once you can shake off the prejudice that women are less sexual than men, a prejudice that is the exact opposite of the truth, you'll be more open to shaking off other prejudices.

Of course, I'm a librul optimist, and so my hopes for improvement of humankind are pipe dreams.

Still, I'm right.

297 Comments:

Blogger Linnaeus said...

The best favor you can do for yourself and your sex life, be you male or female, is accept the obvious--women have bigger appetites and are more insatiatiable.I guess here is where I would insert my wry comment that someone ought to inform my current dating partner of this fact.

Grr.... :)

11/01/2004

 
Blogger thekeez said...

Mouse mentioned: a woman is properly satisfied by bringing her to orgasm one after another for a good time before even getting yours.

I always thought this matter had been dealt with quite completely in the early 70s. It's what every intelligent woman expected from a man in those days.

I distinctly remember the uproarious laughter in the theater playing "Annie Hall" when the scene with Woody and Shelly Duvall came up and Woody was massaging his sore jaw. I guess that scene just goes over the heads of today's audiences.

What a shame...thekeez

11/01/2004

 
Blogger Linnaeus said...

Tongue-in-cheek comments aside (no pun intended there), I think that's an astute observation.

At risk of sounding hackneyed, good communication is particularly important - for both partners. I've had partners who were very communicative and indicated exactly what pleased them. I've had others that weren't, assumed that I would just "know" what they liked and didn't like, and were disappointed when I failed their tests. I know that it takes time to learn how to communicate (at least this is true for me), but at some point, if one isn't willing to open sexual communication with one's partner, then there's a problem.

11/01/2004

 
Blogger Ron said...

Great posts, this and the next. I was one of those lonely guys for more than one stretch of years. I'm very familiar with that look you describe. I call it 'the wolf look' and it's guaranteed to scare women off. The point about approach/rejection was right on. Unfortunately, I've never been sucessful in a pick-up situation, despite my good looks and charm. I'm dealing with the feelings of inadequacy and resentment from those years; the memories trigger depression sometimes. The few relationships I've had were mostly initated by women, including the present.

The one statement I don't see is about Romantic love. To me being romantic means making sure I communicate positve feelings, do thoughtful things unasked and be attentive to my betrothed's sexual needs. So what do you mean?

11/01/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My impression is that a world in which they can have uninhibited sex is precisely what moralistic conservative men don't want. My hypothesis is that people who don't have hard-to-control impulses that they don't like generally don't feel too strongly about such matters morally. Those who do can respond two ways (among other, intermediate ways): do what they impulsively want to do, which is sometimes fine (homosexuality, most fetishes, "light" addictions, etc.) and sometimes not (paedophilia, heavy substance abuse, severe gambling problems, etc), or respond with religious, moralistic conservatism. Sometimes they go from one to the other, of course (Bush, from alcoholism to religious conservatism), and sometimes do both simultaneously (Bennett's gambling, Limbaugh's prescription drug abuse).

Anyway, the point is, telling these guys "can't you see that women's lib helps men? If there's widespread contraception, you can have more sex!" isn't comforting to them. Their thought is "oh no! Then I might have more sex!"

I think you'll find few die-hard moralistic self-righteous types among those who simply don't have trouble controlling their impulses, and thus don't view themselves or others as needing restraint by some kind of third party. They may be religious or not, but they're less likely to have the paranoid fantasies so common among the self-righteous moralists: "if we don't believe in God, then our whole society will degenerate into an orgy of degenerate sex, drug abuse, theft, and murder!" If you don't want to, or think others want to, do those things in the first place, why would it?

This is, of course, a problem for the rest of us guys who think it ISN'T a problem (in fact, is the exact opposite of a problem) if women are more sexually available, but to them, the idea that us non-theocratic men can, depending on our natures, be promiscuous and not have that be a problem so long as we're sufficiently honest and cautious or just not be promiscuous because we don't want to be is beyond their comprehension. We're all depraved by nature, and if we don't act depraved, that's because we've got the power of God holding us back.

Julian Elson

11/02/2004

 
Blogger lawrence krubner said...

It's interesting that your thought about women's sexual appetite is so obvious and so unheard. 45 years after the beginning of the most recent wave of feminism, this point has zero credibility. Among friends, anecdotally, each of us receives us a large amount of information that tells us the obvious. But outside close circles of friends, there is no recognition of the fact. I was struck this summer that in every couple I knew where one partner was upset about the lack of sex, it was the woman who was upset. I've been meaning to post something about this on my weblog for weeks. Perhaps now I will.

11/05/2004

 
Blogger lawrence krubner said...

Okay, I just posted some of my own thoughts on my own blog. I'll add a thought and two stories here.

I think some revolutions have to succeed completely or they look like failures. The abolition of slavery in America was made to look like a failure for decades because blacks, upon gaining their freedom, then had to run their farms under the tyranny of Jim Crowe, living lives that in many cases were materially worse than what they had had on the nicer plantations. Not till the 1960s was the emancipation completed and blacks finally free to establish a secure middle class. In the Anglo-American tradition it seems to take a century before the initial movement toward freedom and final completion of the task. Non-aristocrat white males had no rights in England till the civil rights revolution of 1641-1688. But even after that, there was the question of whether those rights really belonged to all males, even the poorest. The issue wasn't resolved till the rebirth of working class radicalism in the 1760s. The stretch from 1688 to 1760 was like a long sleep, and "long sleep" seems to be where feminism is at right now.

The feminist revolution of the 60s and 70s also stands as an incomplete revolution, leaving women exposed to pressures they did not have to face before, and yet not possessing the economic or political power that might make them masters of those new pressures. As such, conservatives can make the argument (as one did in Newsweek) that feminism is "the experiment that failed", the attempt to free women that left women worse off. The argument is quite similar to the one made 1865-1950 that ending slavery made blacks worse off.

Two stories:

I was in high school in the 1980s. Among some of my conservative teachers, I remember the joke was that feminism was men's idea: now women had to work and make money, and the men didn't have to work as hard.

Recently, in an online discussion where women were bemoaning their fate as poor creatures abused by the predatory instincts of men, one of the conservative men said something to the effect of "Well this is what you get! Want to reject traditional values! Well fine! I'll fuck as many of you as I can!"

Of course, you already know all this. I realize that. And you, everyone who reads this blog, is probably aware that the only path forward is the path forward. We've no choice but to go on fighting for women's rights till the revolution of the 60s and the 70s is completed.

11/05/2004

 
Blogger lawrence krubner said...

Okay, I just posted some of my own thoughts on my own blog. I'll add a thought and two stories here.

I think some revolutions have to succeed completely or they look like failures. The abolition of slavery in America was made to look like a failure for decades because blacks, upon gaining their freedom, then had to run their farms under the tyranny of Jim Crowe, living lives that in many cases were materially worse than what they had had on the nicer plantations. Not till the 1960s was the emancipation completed and blacks finally free to establish a secure middle class. In the Anglo-American tradition it seems to take a century before the initial movement toward freedom and final completion of the task. Non-aristocrat white males had no rights in England till the civil rights revolution of 1641-1688. But even after that, there was the question of whether those rights really belonged to all males, even the poorest. The issue wasn't resolved till the rebirth of working class radicalism in the 1760s. The stretch from 1688 to 1760 was like a long sleep, and "long sleep" seems to be where feminism is at right now.

The feminist revolution of the 60s and 70s also stands as an incomplete revolution, leaving women exposed to pressures they did not have to face before, and yet not possessing the economic or political power that might make them masters of those new pressures. As such, conservatives can make the argument (as one did in Newsweek) that feminism is "the experiment that failed", the attempt to free women that left women worse off. The argument is quite similar to the one made 1865-1950 that ending slavery made blacks worse off.

Two stories:

I was in high school in the 1980s. Among some of my conservative teachers, I remember the joke was that feminism was men's idea: now women had to work and make money, and the men didn't have to work as hard.

Recently, in an online discussion where women were bemoaning their fate as poor creatures abused by the predatory instincts of men, one of the "conservative" men said something to the effect of "Well this is what you get! Want to reject traditional values! Well fine! I'll fuck as many of you as I can!"

Of course, you already know all this. I realize that. And you, everyone who reads this blog, is probably aware that the only path forward is the path forward. We've no choice but to go on fighting for women's rights till the revolution of the 60s and the 70s is completed.

11/05/2004

 
Blogger lawrence krubner said...

Okay, I just posted some of my own thoughts on my own blog. I'll add a thought and two stories here.

I think some revolutions have to succeed completely or they look like failures. The abolition of slavery in America was made to look like a failure for decades because blacks, upon gaining their freedom, then had to run their farms under the tyranny of Jim Crowe, living lives that in many cases were materially worse than what they had had on the nicer plantations. Not till the 1960s was the emancipation completed and blacks finally free to establish a secure middle class. In the Anglo-American tradition it seems to take a century before the initial movement toward freedom and final completion of the task. Non-aristocrat white males had no rights in England till the civil rights revolution of 1641-1688. But even after that, there was the question of whether those rights really belonged to all males, even the poorest. The issue wasn't resolved till the rebirth of working class radicalism in the 1760s. The stretch from 1688 to 1760 was like a long sleep, and "long sleep" seems to be where feminism is at right now.

The feminist revolution of the 60s and 70s also stands as an incomplete revolution, leaving women exposed to pressures they did not have to face before, and yet not possessing the economic or political power that might make them masters of those new pressures. As such, conservatives can make the argument (as one did in Newsweek) that feminism is "the experiment that failed", the attempt to free women that left women worse off. The argument is quite similar to the one made 1865-1950 that ending slavery made blacks worse off.

Two stories:

I was in high school in the 1980s. Among some of my conservative teachers, I remember the joke was that feminism was men's idea: now women had to work and make money, and the men didn't have to work as hard.

Recently, in an online discussion where women were bemoaning their fate as poor creatures abused by the predatory instincts of men, one of the men said something to the effect of "Well this is what you get! Want to reject traditional values! Well fine! I'll fuck as many of you as I can!"

Of course, you already know all this. I realize that. And you, everyone who reads this blog, is probably aware that the only path forward is the path forward. We've no choice but to go on fighting for women's rights till the revolution of the 60s and the 70s is completed.

11/05/2004

 
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