Bad advice and bad taste all rolled up in one

My god, this article about the top ten proposal songs is a masterpiece of crap. Of course, the very idea of setting up some romantic moment with the perfect song to christen "our song" is exactly the sort of thing that gives me gas, so maybe I'm not the best person to turn to on this. Dramatic proposals annoy me. The concept of "our song" seems ridiculous to me. Sting is an asshole. And this just proves it.

In the mid-nineties, Sting began inviting audience members up to the stage during concerts to sing the song "I'm So Happy, I Can't Stop Crying" with him. This was then followed by the guest proposing to the woman he'd brought to the concert with him.

After copying and pasting that, I had to go to the bathroom to indulge my Sting-induced bulemia.

Though the practice itself is not strange, the choice of song is, as the piece in question is about divorce. In order to get your life together off to a good start, here are some more appropriate melodies by which to pop the question.

Well, maybe he's playing a little joke on his audience who is stupid enough to fall for stage-managed romantic moments. But this being Sting, I would say not. All I know is next time someone tries to defend Sting to me, I'm telling them about this. Anyway, the songs that are supposed to be perfect for a stage-managed proposal. Sadly, "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" is not one of them.

1. "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. Though it may be somewhat cliched in the wake of Say Anything, for a couple who came of age in the late eighties/early nineties, this tune will forever be married to the image of John Cusack with cinema's most romantic ghetto blaster held above his head.

This is the one to whip out just in case you're afraid she'll say no. She can't if she's under the spell of this song, which lulls your average Gen-X woman into thinking her boyfriend is John Cusack and she herself is Ione Skye.

2. You're My Best Friend" by Queen. You've known her for years, you were pals long before you were lovers, and now you want to spend the rest of your life with her. It really says everything one could want to say about what a marriage should be.

I'm a Queen fan and I don't even like this song. The lyrics were written by the guy who wrote "Dick and Jane", who needed work after being drummed out of the children's book business by Dr. Seuss.

3. "Something" by the Beatles. For those who want to let her know what exactly it is that you love about her, go with the ambiguity of George Harrison's ode to the je n'sais quoi that makes the women we love special.

Oh, and say "je n'sais quoi", but only if she doesn't know what it means. It's always fun to tell someone when they ask, because even if you don't know what it means, you'll be awfully close.

4. "Your Song" by Elton John. This is a classic declaration of love made all the more so by its stunning use in the romantic musical Moulin Rouge.

I'm trying to remember what the movie was that everyone cribbed off of before Moulin Rouge and Say Anything. Was it Top Gun? I guess if your girlfriend likes Top Gun and Moulin Rouge, you can cross the two and crib off of Risky Business. Good luck with that one.

5. "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders. This song offers a promise of steadfastness that can't be shaken by whatever looms down life's winding roads.

Ah, the Sting effect. Good musicians go shitty and then write songs that will be used by unimaginative people to romance each other for eternity. For some reason, it hurts more because it's Chrissie Hynde.

6. "All I Want is You" by U2. Used to great effect in Reality Bites, this little number is sure to assure her that she's the center of your universe. A real Gen-X romantic classic, it's sure to elicit a "yes" to whatever question you care to pose.

The Sting effect continues, except that U2 always had a sucky side to them that just took over completely.

7. "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. If there's a sexier song in existence, I'm hard-pressed to name it. This is one for a candlelit proposal accompanied by longing glances and soulful kisses.

Please don't ruin this song with your goofy public proposal that you hope will end in strangers nearby applauding. Anyway, I always thought this song was about loving someone who won't have you, which is exactly the inappropriateness that I thought our hearty advice column was teaching us to avoid.

8. "Fields of Gold" by Sting. This Sting song abandons divorce in favor of fidelity and an end to wandering eyes.

The Sting effect in its essence. When this song came out, an angel lost its wings.

9. "For My Lady" by the Moody Blues. A song of chivalric proportions, the singer makes offers of life and limb in the service of his love.

This is the sort of thing that makes "sanctity of marriage" arguments purely ridiculous. This song and commercials for diamond jewelry.

10. "The Elephant Love Medley" from Moulin Rouge. For those unable to come up with an appropriate song, this is the kitchen-sink approach, stitching together every pop ballad on the subject into a full barrage of romantic sentiment with manic abandon.

I actually like this. If you're going to go the completely artificial, stage-managed proposal with a few slapped-on details to make it "individual", might as well make fun of the whole thing by using a slapped-together song. But seriously, how did unimaginative people have romantic moments before the movies taught them how to do it? Did they just not care?