iVillage gives me a little gift

Yes! Sex tips from Cosmo! Cosmo is the best for open mockery, since their tips tend to be just quote after quote and therefore vary wildly in sheer stupidity. Your resident advice column mocker got her chops pulling Cosmo off the shelf while waiting in line at the grocery store and mocking it to her companion. Of course, I began to wonder if this wouldn't be that much fun to make fun of, 'cause Dr. Judy is one of the advisors and I have a fondness for Dr. Judy from back in my college days when her program "Love Phones" played every night on 101X. My friends and I would gather on the steps of our dorm to smoke cigarettes and laugh at the callers, who had every problem from minor relationship issues to a fondness for sex with dogs (now we know who that particular caller was). Maybe time has made it hazy, but I always like Dr. Judy because she seemed open-minded and genuinely caring, unlike the fucks on "Love Lines" from MTV that 101X now plays instead. I mean, the doctor on that show seems to think that every problem is some form of drug addiction.

Anyway, I digress. Dr. Judy may be cool on her show, but this tip is retarded.

"Most men like it when a woman takes the initiative. Why not send him an erotic email? In very specific detail, tell him how much you desire him and what you'll do to him the minute he comes home. If you're sending the message to his work computer, make sure no one else can open his email!"

That's too much trouble. Anyone who has ever done anything like this can tell you this is one of those things that sounds good in theory but always goes wrong. Sure, it sounds easy to be the Anais Nin of Hotmail, but just try it sometime.

"As a rule, women take longer to get sexually aroused, so start by yourself before you get into bed. Spend 30 minutes taking a bath with candles and fondling yourself." --Debora Peterson

If your man is this lazy, then forget bathtime as a precursor. Might as well make it the main event.

Most men are visually oriented. You might consider leaving some lights on and asking him to watch while you're performing oral sex or having intercourse or even when you're getting ready to go to bed with him. If you feel self-conscious about your body, do this semiclothed -- wear one of his shirts completely unbuttoned; men love it when women borrow their clothes." --L. Lou Paget

And make sure not to say, "Quit looking at me! You're making me nervous."

This next one makes me blush, but damn if the mental picture isn't hysterical.

"Freeze some grapes in a Ziploc bag. Once they're ice-cold, put them in your mouth. Then begin oral sex. The temperature and sensation produced by the grapes while you're giving him oral sex is incredible. You might want to try spraying your mouth with Binaca or using mint-flavored toothpaste right before going down on him. This will give his penis a nice warm feeling."

Great idea. Get a mouthful of grapes and then try to stuff one more thing in there. Chipmunk cheeks have never been sexier.

"If your partner hasn't pleasured you orally and you'd like him to, have a talk about it. Just say, 'I'd really like it if you'd go down on me, but I haven't seen that happen yet. Could you tell me what's going on?'" --Bernie Zilbergeld

Ah, play dumb. For all I know, this works, but probably not as well as what I like to call the oral sex Mexican standoff, which has the added advantage of not having to set aside time for "a talk".

Next is a bunch of handjob techniques, all of which seem to require more steps than assembling a bomb, so I'll just skip that part. But the ones for women, well, of course the main point as usual is that men cannot be told anything straight without turning into a little cartoon-style puff of dust as they run out of the room in abject fear.

"To help him best delight you with his hands, provide lots of coaching and be patient. One thing a woman can do: Offer valuable feedback without saying a word. Wrap your hand around one of his fingers or his penis, and when he does something you particularly like, give a squeeze, if you're not comfortable actually telling him. This type of nonverbal feedback can be so helpful to a guy who's doing his best to please you." --Paul Joannides

Giving a squeeze sounds more like aversion training to me.

"Use each piece of furniture for a different sexual act or position. Have sex under the piano, on a chair, and in front of a window. Over the course of a relationship, you will have created sexual memories, which means your home will be a more eroticized environment." --James Petersen

In front of window works best when school children are walking home. Under the piano will give you that "Ouch, I just knocked myself on the head" rush that's so incredibly orgasmic.

That moment can't be planned. So when passion hits, go with it -- don't let practicalities get in the way." --SARK, author of Succulent Wild Women

Practicalities like the in-laws just happen to be over for dinner shouldn't stop you.

"A new, soft, manual toothbrush is an incredible sex toy that will provide pleasure for both of you. Ask your man to run the bristles over your breasts and entire body -- the sensation is truly erotic. He should brush gently around your vaginal area, especially the opening. Then you can stimulate his body -- try focusing on his nipples. Although most men don't say it (and many don't even know it!), the nipples are usually very sensitive -- a secret erogenous zone." --Cricket Richmond

And then return it to your sworn enemy's bathroom cabinet. That memory, more than anything, will be the one you keep with you.

"Everyone has secret sexual fantasies that they don't reveal even to their partner. Here's one way to share them: Both of you write three fantasies on a piece of paper and number them from 1 to 6. Toss a die and pick whichever number comes up with the promise you'll act it out. He may want you to shave your pubic hair or go to the supermarket wearing nothing but a raincoat. You may want him to have sex with you in the shower or tie you up. You're both on your honor to do whatever!" --Graham Masterton

Do not agree to go with "whatever" if you're fucking Rick Santorum. I promise you will regret it.