The most pedestrian sex advice ever written

One of the sacred cows of bad advice aimed at women is the belief that male sexuality is complicated, mysterious, and that arousing a man is difficult work indeed that takes constant study through women's magazines in order to master. This unwavering committment to this belief amazes me, since most men you'll meet will actually insist on just the opposite. The truth? Well, I don't know much about the truth, but I do know shitty sex advice columns from MSN when I see them.

Back in school, about the only official instruction we got on sex was the biological part and the call for abstention. Sure, understanding how sex works is valuable, but so is understanding the pleasure principle. And that's something most teachers are all-too-happy not to cover in the classroom.

And frankly, I'm glad they didn't either. While I'm all about teaching kids how to use contraception, I'm also grateful that our health teacher, a short and garrulous man who broke into a cold sweat and an outpouring of gibberish if asked a single question about condom usage was not in charge or teaching sexual techniques to us as well.

Here, then, are a few love lessons on pleasuring your man, and homework is required.

Well, at least she didn't write "servicing your man". I am grateful for small favors when reading MSN advice articles.

The eyes have it
It's no secret men are visual creatures — they like looking. So let him catch you in the shower — and if he can't see in, invest in a clear shower curtain, or let him watch you dry off.

It's best to wait until after the first date for this. Otherwise, it's a little awkward.

Similarly, give him a little eye candy by picking up some sexy lingerie or a slightly revealing outfit. And ditch the flannel gown periodically. Remind him you're a woman.

Men sure forget things easily in MSN-land.

A common scents approach
Studies at the Smell and Taste Research Foundation have found that certain smells get your guy going. According to Alan Hirsch, the foundation's director, the smells most likely to entice your man are lavender and pumpkin pie.

Surely they don't mean together, do they? Ew. Pumpkin pie reminds me of my grandmother. Surely I'm not the only one. Just a word of warning to anyone trying out this advice.

You don't have to slather it on you (though he'd probably dig that, too), but it can't hurt to sprinkle a little lavender essential oil on the sheets or behind your ear. And maybe have a pumpkin pie in the oven. Other smells that really get him excited? Doughnuts and black licorice.

Stick a donut down your shirt and see if he can find it. It works better if you're with Homer Simpson, though.

Men who considered themselves physically "satisfied" responded best to the scent of strawberries. Bring a few to bed and offer them to him, or light your boudoir with strawberry-scented candles.

Beware--the candles labeled "strawberry" don't smell a damn thing like strawberries. I would refrain from taking this advice until they clarify whether they mean real strawberry smell or the stuff called "strawberry" that you'll find in candy and candles.

The men who experienced physical intimacy most frequently preferred the smells of lavender, oriental spices and cola. Except for the cola, these scents are readily available in essential oils, sprays and bath products.

Again, just dab your wrists and behind your ears with Coca-Cola. Sure, you'll attract mosquitos and flies, but you'll attract men, too. That's just the price you have to pay.

A matter of taste
Particular tastes also play a part in heating up your honey. Hirsch discovered that married men were most excited when their wives' kisses tasted like spearmint or peppermint. Their single counterparts wanted to taste something else on their lovers' lips: Alcohol. (And not the rubbing kind.)

I'm sure that these were strictly biological phenemenon and had nothing to do with the circumstances in which married men and straight men find themselves getting laid.

This doesn't mean you should get loaded so your guy can get his groove on, however.

Unless he's a frat boy, of course.

A touch of class
We all know how good it feels to be caressed by our partners. So how can you heighten the experience? Take away his dominant sense — sight. Use a scarf as a blindfold and then tease him with an ice cube, a feather, your breath, body parts or a loofah. Try to vary the temperature and texture.

Nothing like an ice cube on sensitive parts when you're not expecting it to make you feel good. That's why I like to jump in the shower without testing it with my hand first, on the off chance that it's frigging cold.

Try to make him guess what you're using — and see how long he's willing to play before he has to close the deal!

Bonus: The blindfold also works to enhance smell and taste.

So make him wear it for a month straight and see if there's any long-term improvement.

By playing to his senses, you'll enhance the sensual side of your relationship and ensure that your honey stays hot for you.

Follow our advice, or he will leave you in the cold. Damn, did Karl Rove write this conclusion?