Mouse Words gets entirely too personal

Cruising around iVillage, I found a quiz of earth-shattering importance: How Sexy Are You? My attempts to take this quiz have caused no end of frustration, which I thought I would share.

Rene Russo. Susan Sarandon. Gabrielle Reece. What do these women have in common? They've got sex appeal! They enter a room and heads turn -- not just because they're beautiful, but because they each possess a winning combination of charm, strength and confidence.

Possibly, but I'll bet it's mostly that they're beautiful. I'll bet that they turn heads because they're famous as well.

Onto my sad attempts to answer these questions honestly.

1.Your underwear drawer contains:

*Pretty panties, at least one Miracle-type bra and several lacy undergarments that are more about form than function
*A considerable collection of Victoria's Secret's sexiest attire
*Cotton panties, basic bras (no padding, little lace) and maybe an old teddy you don't even know you have

I hate push-up bras and Victoria's Secret, since their stuff is crap. Teddies seem pointless to me, but it's not like I wear a bunch of granny panties. They make cotton stuff that's cute. But I can't lie. Cotton is where it's at. I like to let the gals breath.

2. What your sex life lacks most is:

*Sex
*Passion
*Experimentation

Nothing for "none of the above", so I'm going with experimentation, because one avenue of experimentation is automatically shut down with monogamy.

3. If you were to liken yourself to a TV character, it would be:

*Elaine, the flirtatious receptionist on Ally McBeal
*Scully, the cool, confident working woman on the X-Files
*Sydney, the casual and confident doctor on Providence

The only character I recognize is Scully, and I am kind of skeptical person, so I'm going with that. I have no idea what this has to do with sex appeal, though.

4. To you, talking dirty in bed:

Is inevitable? I mean, I'm sure that there's nothing you can say in bed that really would pass FCC muster nowadays.

*Can be fun and stimulating if the mood is right
*Is a must -- after all, men like it
*Isn't going to happen in your bedroom anytime soon

Shit. I have no idea what to put down. The second option is the closest, but god knows you don't talk dirty just because men like it. The first is also close, because it's technically true that if you are reading in bed, then the mood isn't right, so I'm going with that.

5.When your partner tells you that you look great, what is your typical response?

"Ugh, no I don't, I look gross."
"Thank you."
"Really? Do you think so?"

"What do you want?" Just kidding. This one is easy. Say, "Thank you." And possibly, "You'd better believe it, buster."

6. If your partner were doing something in bed that wasn't producing the desired pleasurable effect, you would:

*Show him how to do it right
*Grin and bear it
*Tell him how to do it right

Let him sleep. Sorry, the "in bed" stuff is getting to me. Reminds me of the fortune cookie game. Anyway, I'm going with #3 because the American Family Association can't get the FCC to regulate the verbal content of my bedroom quite yet.

7. In the bedroom, your partner sees you most often wearing:

*Sweatpants and a T-shirt, or a similar outfit -- revealing pajamas are not your style
*Your bathrobe or nightgown -- it's comfortable and attractive
*Lacy lingerie or nothing at all -- you want to keep him interested

I sleep naked, but I don't think that's what this question is asking, because he doesn't really "see" me when we're sleeping. The last option puzzles me--if men can't work up interest when you've got clothes on, then how is it that he would have been attracted in the first place? I was wearing a "Queers" tank top, boxer shorts, and my Longhorn slippers, which I think is comfortable and attractive so I'm going with #2. Well, it reveals my shoulders and legs. It's not exactly a burqua.

8. You're going to the office holiday party. What do you wear?

*Slim red dress, black hose, high heels -- it's party time!
*The same type of outfit you wear every day, plus a colorful scarf for a touch of festivity
*A classic black dress and a pair of simple pumps

This is Austin. We actually dress down for parties. I could throw a dart at this and do better. But I'm going with #1 because I am a bona fide shoe whore.

9. Your fingernails can best be described as:

*Neat 'n' nude
*Cat's claws
*Bitten to the bone

They're long because I get my vitamins, but I don't paint them. #1.

10.When your man complains that his neck is sore, you:

*Tell him he shouldn't have fallen asleep in the chair last night
*Offer to rub it for him
*Get out your oil and scented candles and do your whole sensual massage routine

No option for, "Roll your eyes and wonder if you would ever get a neck rub just by hinting around instead of asking outright." #2 is closest, since I give in anyway.

11. You and your man finally have a night at home alone, and you're in charge of choosing a video. You choose:

*Debbie Does Dallas
*Blair Witch Project
*Shakespeare in Love

Seen it, seen it, seen it. But probably the last one, since I'm a sucker for Shakespeare stuff.

12.You know your body and what pleases you sexually about as well as:

*The back of your knee
*The back of your hand
*The inner workings of your VCR

#2. I may actually know it better, since I'm not really that interested in the back of my hand.

13. When it comes to sex, you make the first move:

*Most of the time
*Less than 15 percent of the time
*About 50 percent of the time

I never figured out what "the first move" is in most circumstances, besides the obvious one where you're woken up for that particular activity. I'm going with #3, because it's not like a surprise or anything.

14.Your idea of kinky sex is:

*Doing it with the lights on
*Tying your partner to the bedpost
*Doing it on a weeknight

#2, but I'm guessing it's even kinkier if you just leave him there.

15. What part of your beauty routine has your partner seen you do?

*Apply makeup, pluck your eyebrows and bleach your facial hair
*Apply makeup and pluck your eyebrows
*Apply makeup

I can't close the door for the cats, much less my boyfriend. But I don't bleach anything, so I'm going with #2.

16. You and your partner are at home alone, and suddenly you find yourself feeling amorous. What do you do?

*Grab him between the legs
*Forget it, the feeling will pass
*Kiss him and see where it leads

No kids, so we're mostly by ourselves. Which means that at any given time, any of these can apply. So I'm splitting the difference and going with #3.

17. When undressing in front of your partner, your style most resembles:

*Your daily disrobing routine
*A striptease act
*A run for the covers

Seriously, is the person writing this an adult human being? Shit, he'll sit on the bed and talk to me about politics or music while I run around the bedroom naked from the waist up trying to decide if I want to wear a new sweater or some T-shirt with a band decal on it to go downtown. I'm guessing that's #1.

Alright, I am "sufficiently" sexy, which is like telling someone, "You'll do." I'm insulted, but trying to be open-minded here.

You are fairly comfortable with your sexuality and aren't afraid to play up your sex appeal, but you know when to tone down the sexual dynamo act and let your partner see and appreciate your other wonderful qualities.

That's assuming other qualities aren't sexy. Again, insulted.

Although being physically attractive to the man in your life is important to you, you also want him to value your intelligence, spirit, humor and so on.

Screw that. That's what my friends are for. He's there to flatter my looks. Okay, okay, I'm kidding.

No doubt he does; what men find most appealing is a woman who believes in herself. Whether you're conscious of it or not, that confidence is evident both in and out of the bedroom -- in the way you move, speak, smile, dress and have sex;

Well, I have a leg up there. When having sex, I'm confident that is what I am doing at the moment.

women who are confident and comfortable with their sexuality tend to have more satisfying sex lives.

But the abstinence-only movement told me that women who are scared to death of sex because you'll get AIDS unless you're married have the best sex lives, once they are married and stuff.

So don't be afraid to occasionally rent an erotic movie, wear sexy lingerie or play up your sexiness in the bedroom.

Okay, I'm a little afraid to rent an "erotic" movie since that means going to the raincoat crowd store. Luckily, the internet has been invented since this quiz was apparently written. With this new advice in mind, I shall be spicing up my sex life by watching some internet porn and wondering why anyone would get enormous breast implants.

Hmmm....maybe I should rethink that. I've avoided a crack addiction so far, and I wouldn't want to blow it by getting a porn addiction.