Mouse rant blog vent mouse.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Of dogs and men

Goddammit if the subject of boy disease didn't come up once again tonight at dinner. My poor friend who is suffering from loving a boy who seems to love her but just can't quite commit himself for reasons that are frankly hard to understand is determined to conclude that he's just not into her, which is convienently the title of a new book. I made derogatory noises and said that I doubt that's the problem--he buys her gifts, makes her dinner, fixes her fucking toilet. I said that this is a case of the one guy who really is impossible to figure out.

Naturally, the guys at the table begged to differ. No, it's a standard issue playing. He's just doing what's required to keep her from dumping him.

More derogatory noises from me. Full-grown adults do not need to play these games for mere sex. She concurred--he can't be that hard up. I nudged her and made a joke about how she must be something else to get treatment most of us can't get from boyfriends and we laughed.

But menfolk at the table were insistent. It's all a game, he's just "maintaining" her. I get mad.

"To assume that any dumb fuck can play any girl like this, even a girl as smart as ____ is to say that men are just smarter than women," I snap. The Mouse sees sexism in every corner but knows she's right in this case. The Mouse also gets to hear stories of her male friends "conquering" women and demonstrating that men are in fact quite capable of playing.

Of course they are. That's not the point. I point out that I have strung along, hurt, and yes, played men. I'm not proud of myself, but there it is. The behavior goes both ways, but we only seem to assume that it's automatically the case when a man is hurting a woman.

I feel bad. These guys are probably trying to help. Whatever this dude's motivations are, it doesn't matter. He's hurting her, so she might as well treat him like a player. But it's frustrating. Like I said the other day, the stereotype that men are just sort of naturally doggy hurts men as well as women. Any accusation of cheating or playing tends to stick to men very easily because people believe it of all men. The men at the table are kind and loyal types and wouldn't hurt a woman they felt for anymore than I would hurt a man I feel for.

Most ostensibly anti-male stereotypes have hidden benefits for men. The stereotype that they are bumbling fools when it comes to domestic chores makes it easier for men to dodge those chores. The stereotype that they can't help being dogs functions like this by excusing sexual misbehavior. But it's much more of a double-edged sword. There are few things worse than being accused of treating someone cruelly in a sexual situation when you haven't. Being accused of cheating, lying, playing, or even talking smack behind a sex partner's back when you are innocent is like getting socked in the gut. I don't get irate when I hear these stereotypes simply because I'm a knee-jerk feminist; I'm protective of my friends, male or female, and I don't want them buying into stuff that will just come back to hurt them later.

138 Comments:

Blogger lawrence krubner said...

People have unreasonable reactions to statistics, including those about gender. It's sort of like Bush winning 51% of the vote and saying he has a mandate from the people. To my way of thinking, if 90% of the public votes for you, then you have a mandate from the people, but if 51% of the people vote for you then nearly half of the people are against you. That is no mandate.

Likewise, if you find that 55% of all men but only 45% of all women have fantasies about cheating on their lovers, then you've found a large gender difference, but not an absolute one. If you've crafted an intelligent survey and found a reasonably large sample size then a difference of 10 percentage points is huge. It is statistically significant. You could build a thesis on it and get a Masters degree. It's a difference that is large enough to be taken seriously in any academic disipline - psychology, biology, sociology, etc. 10 percentage points of difference is a big deal. And yet, you're still talking about a situation where roughly equal numbers of men and women profess the same behavior.

Strangely, when these kinds of studies get reported in the newspapers, people tend to read the articles and then summarize the findings like this: "Hey, this new study says men fantasize about cheating but women don't." But that is not what the study said. If you want to round things off a bit, it would be more accurate to say, "Hey, this new study says roughly half of all men and half of all women fantasize about cheating." But people tend to emphasize the differences, not the similarities.

I've noticed that everyone I know, myself and all my friends, are effected by this kind of majoritarian thinking. I'm not sure why. Is it because we grew up in a democracy and are used to thinking that the winnner should take 100% or is it just a natural part of being human to simplify in this manner? I don't know. I wonder about it.

It's good to remind ourselves always that gender differences are statistical differences. The differences can be large, consistent, and significant but nearly always include a large percent of the other gender engaging in the same behavior. Forgetting how slight some of the statistical differences are can lead to very bad decision making.

12/02/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't have to be a knee-jerk feminist to dislike those attitudes. They have the added disadvantage of being imprisoning and untrue.

12/02/2004

 
Blogger La Lubu said...

I guess I don't get it....I mean, we have your opinion, the guys at the table opinion (which I tend to agree with, having listened to far too many conversations like this from the male side of the coin)...what does the guy himself say? Isn't that the only opinion that counts?

I dunno....sounds like he likes her, but doesn't love her. Like this relationship is just fine for him, as long as he doesn't meet someone who really knocks his socks off...that he's perfectly satisfied with the way things are. Doesn't sound like your girlfriend is satisfied with the way things are. So, it's either stay with him, or move on.

I mean, he's not necessarily "playing" her. He probably genuinely likes her, just "not like that". You know, the ol' "friends with benefits" situation. And maybe he'd just rather have a friend with benefits than go through the pain in the ass of looking for another girlfriend. Hell, both men and women do that!

Commit himself? Does your girlfriend want to be married, and he doesn't?

12/02/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Generally, "commit" means something along the lines of swear to be monogamous and basically commit yourself to certain boyfriendy behaviors. What he thinks is the mystery--won't say.

Lawrence, great, great points. If I saw a survey that said 55% of men think about cheating and 45% of women, I would assume that means that 45% of men are afraid to say they think about it, and 55% of women are afraid to say they think about it.

12/02/2004

 
Blogger Hugo said...

You've inspired me to post on "learned helplessness." Great entry, Amanda.

12/02/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh..ok, that kind of commitment! (gosh, I feel so old! :-)

Soooo....she's got a maintenance man (home repairs, dinner, sex, whatever), and she wants a boyfriend!

...from La Lubu, who hasn't been able to log in to Blogger

12/02/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Well, the advantage of a boyfriend is you know where you stand with him. But your point is well worth noting, and one I will pass onto her.

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Blogger lawrence krubner said...

"If I saw a survey that said 55% of men think about cheating and 45% of women, I would assume that means that 45% of men are afraid to say they think about it, and 55% of women are afraid to say they think about it."

Fair enough, but you're still talking about a significant statistical difference between the behavior of men and women. Why more men would be honest than women is its own interesting question. Again, I suspect people would tend to emphasize the differences when summarizing such a study, rather than the similarities.

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