Of dogs and men

Goddammit if the subject of boy disease didn't come up once again tonight at dinner. My poor friend who is suffering from loving a boy who seems to love her but just can't quite commit himself for reasons that are frankly hard to understand is determined to conclude that he's just not into her, which is convienently the title of a new book. I made derogatory noises and said that I doubt that's the problem--he buys her gifts, makes her dinner, fixes her fucking toilet. I said that this is a case of the one guy who really is impossible to figure out.

Naturally, the guys at the table begged to differ. No, it's a standard issue playing. He's just doing what's required to keep her from dumping him.

More derogatory noises from me. Full-grown adults do not need to play these games for mere sex. She concurred--he can't be that hard up. I nudged her and made a joke about how she must be something else to get treatment most of us can't get from boyfriends and we laughed.

But menfolk at the table were insistent. It's all a game, he's just "maintaining" her. I get mad.

"To assume that any dumb fuck can play any girl like this, even a girl as smart as ____ is to say that men are just smarter than women," I snap. The Mouse sees sexism in every corner but knows she's right in this case. The Mouse also gets to hear stories of her male friends "conquering" women and demonstrating that men are in fact quite capable of playing.

Of course they are. That's not the point. I point out that I have strung along, hurt, and yes, played men. I'm not proud of myself, but there it is. The behavior goes both ways, but we only seem to assume that it's automatically the case when a man is hurting a woman.

I feel bad. These guys are probably trying to help. Whatever this dude's motivations are, it doesn't matter. He's hurting her, so she might as well treat him like a player. But it's frustrating. Like I said the other day, the stereotype that men are just sort of naturally doggy hurts men as well as women. Any accusation of cheating or playing tends to stick to men very easily because people believe it of all men. The men at the table are kind and loyal types and wouldn't hurt a woman they felt for anymore than I would hurt a man I feel for.

Most ostensibly anti-male stereotypes have hidden benefits for men. The stereotype that they are bumbling fools when it comes to domestic chores makes it easier for men to dodge those chores. The stereotype that they can't help being dogs functions like this by excusing sexual misbehavior. But it's much more of a double-edged sword. There are few things worse than being accused of treating someone cruelly in a sexual situation when you haven't. Being accused of cheating, lying, playing, or even talking smack behind a sex partner's back when you are innocent is like getting socked in the gut. I don't get irate when I hear these stereotypes simply because I'm a knee-jerk feminist; I'm protective of my friends, male or female, and I don't want them buying into stuff that will just come back to hurt them later.