Suffering Olympics, just for the fun of it

I love it. Hugo's appearance on the wacky men's rights show has led the wingnuts over to Ampersand's blog to complain about Amp's wonderful work "The Male Privilege Checklist". One particular goober decided that he was going to write a counter-list of male complaints. Apparently, he wants me to fisk him and hard. (Jake Squid did, too, but I'm not reading his until I'm done with my mockery.) The goober's name is Bike A Lot.

1.)I get the privilege to die in a war.

Phew. Thank god feminists worked so hard at getting women out of the military ranks so that only men die in wars now.

2.)I get the privilege to die six years earlier than a female.

And here we were all along making you think that we were ordering a salad to your steak in order to please you. Ha ha! It's all a plot to live longer and gain....well, there's the opportunity to be a widow for a long time.

3.)I must make more money than my female mate otherwise I’m not enough.

Women and our infernal plots! It's true--we use our magical cunts to drive men to make a bunch of money they don't want to have while we laugh away, making less.

4.)I must pay for any divorce for any reason.

I'm going to get married and divorced and bill it to Bike A Lot immediately. Poor guy is so put upon that he has to pay for anyone's divorce whenever they ask.

5.)I must pay for child support even when I don’t get to see the kids.

That's so that you can't avoid paying child support by refusing to see the kids, dumbass.

6.)I must have an athletic body and must excell in all sports.

That is an impossible standard. No man has ever actually reached it, unlike the all-too-possible standard of anorexia that women reach all the time. Even the greatest athletes ever did not excel in all sports. We all saw what happened to Michael Jordan when he tried to play baseball. If Jordan isn't good enough, who is? It's amazing that the human race has survived this long with women's requirement that men be brillant at all sports to get laid.

7.)I get the privilege of getting more of : strokes, heart disease and cancer than my female equivalent.

Thank god for the feminist conspiracy to make men die earlier.

8.)I get the privilege of being more likely to commit suicide tens time more than a female.

Dude, you committed suicide ten times over? How did you write this?

In all sincerity, this statistic is one that anti-feminists like to trot out because it obscures the painful fact that in our sexist society, women suffer from mental illness in far greater numbers, and that they attempt suicide more but succeed less. It is also worth noting that most men's rights groups make the male suicide situation worse by contributing enthusiastically to one of the larger causes of young men committing suicide--homophobia.

9.)I get the privilege of suffering from depression six times more than a female, and I also get the privilege of not being able to tell anybody about it.

He made that stat up. I don't even have to look it up to tell you that. Know why? If men don't tell anyone, there's no way to know how many sufferers there are.

10.)I now get the privilege to get fewer educational degrees than a female.

Damn, women fill up classroom slots in proportion to our numbers and nothing but whining. Needless to say, it demonstrates a real firm sense of entitlement to say that men deserve more degrees just because. Note that if making more money is a burden, then women taking steps to close the wage gap should be a cause for celebration.

11.)I get the privilege of having to be strong at all times in any condition.

Except of course when you're whining that a bunch of feminists won't recognize you deserve your male entitlements.

12.)I get the privilege of not being able to cry at any and all times.

For fear, of course, of being called feminine. Which should be a compliment, if women have so much more social approval than men.

13.)I get the privilege of being suspected of being homosexual if not married.

Enthusiastic homophobia. But he's right. People like Bill Maher and Hugh Hefner are suspected of homosexuality all the time because they won't settle down and start families. And no woman ever has had her family anxiously ask when she was getting married.

14.)I get the privilege of being a Mr. Fix It when I’m at home.

Nothing is worse than occasionally having to do something around the house when it breaks. Far better to be responsible for the unending chores that women are expected to do.

15.)I must date models at all times.

Um, if that's your preference that might be why you find that your beer gut is causing you to be rejected by your preferred dating partners. If you attempt to date women that aren't models, you will be surprised to learn that no one will stop you.

16.)I get the privilege of having tougher standard in sports (tennis, golf).

I have no idea what that means. Sounds like more whining that he's expected to pull his load.

17.)I must stand up for my manhood at all times and risk bodily harm.

If you choose to hang out with people who question it all the time, sure. Most men don't hang out in redneck bars all the time having dick-swing contests that lead to fights, though.

18.)I have the privilege of having the laws and courts back women in any accusatory domestic violence case.

Need I say it? Sorry that your privilege to beat your wife without punishment was taken away.

19.)I get to pay to go to a club while my date gets in free.

Oh, in those clubs that have to bribe women to show up? That has nothing whatsoever to do with trying to compensate for the privilege men enjoy of being able to go to bars without getting harassed all damn night, does it?

20.)I get to pay for all her drinks and her dinner if we have another date.

That's a big if after she hears you complain all night that she needs to pay the same price you do despite the ass-grabbing. I guess you also get the privilege of making a stink if she doesn't offer up her body after you spent $50 on dinner and drinks.

21.)I get the privilege of having her decide when, where and how we have sex.

No man has ever said, "Not tonight", of course. And of course, I'm sure Bike A Lot would just have to give in if she wanted to fuck him up the ass with a dildo in the middle of the street since women get to decide the where and the how.

22.)I get the privilege of going through sensitivity training when I’m too young to even know what it is.

I didn't know that they gathered pre-lingual baby boys, and only boys, to tell them not to bully others. I agree, that sounds ineffective.

23.)I get the privilege of accepting homosexuality even when I don’t.

Damn, not only do women get to demand whatever sex they want from Bike, so do men! He does have a disturbing existence.

24.)I get the privilege of going up against affirmative actions policies when I try to get a job or a promotion.

After interviewing with another white man in a situation that didn't have the social discomfort that the female applicants or applicants in racial minorities got the pleasure of experiencing. Luckily, this is just one more place where the system is working for you, Bike! You hate making more money than women, so there is affirmative action working to close the wage gap and make your life better.

25.)I get the privilege of having the role model of Homer Simpson.

If you look up to Homer Simpson, then that might be why you have trouble getting 18-year-old models, male and female, to consent to fucking you up the ass in the middle of the street.

26.)I must drive a nice car and live in a model home.

And you have the disadvantage of having a wife who is responsible for keeping all that clean for you.

27.)I must now share the housework even though I already do the yardwork and work more hours per week than my mate.

You made me pick my socks off the floor, you bitch! How dare you! I mow the lawn for one hour a week and tonight I worked 8 1/2 hours while you worked 8. And my dinner still wasn't ready until I'd been home 15 minutes.

28.)I get the privilege of getting called “misogynist” when I compain about anything-female.

That's like the guy who complains about being called a racist just because he likes to use the word "nigger". Can't a man get any peace?

I feel sorry for these men's rights activists. They so clearly want to be in women's station in life. It occurs to me that it's considered a compliment for women to be called masculine names, like to be told that you "have balls" or that you're "one of the guys". I think the least we can do is the same for these guys. Start telling them they have a lot of ovaries to show up at feminist boards and complain that they make too much money. Call them "one of the girls" if they do good. Since they envy women so damn much, surely it will make their day.

Of course, this whole list reveals what seems to be the entire philosophy behind the MRA movement, which is that women's problems deserve no attention until men have no problems at all. In other words, we can't deal with rape until we standardize the Dutch treat on dates.