Mouse rant blog vent mouse.

Monday, January 03, 2005

They are clearly baiting me

That's the only explanation I can think of why MSN would run his'n'her articles on how not to decorate on their main page. The his:

I know, I know. Conventional wisdom – well, conventional Neanderthal wisdom, anyway – holds that guys who concern themselves with interior décor are guys who don’t date women in the first place.

Call me a squeamish liberal, but that's not "conventional wisdom" so much as a "lame, self-serving stereotype".

Beer is not art. Those posters that gave your dorm room such a rockin’ look? Lose them. Like, now. And ditto – no, double ditto – on any beer can/bottle collection you have on display. Nothing says “arrested adolescence” to us like those babies, and our take on dating a literal or figurative 19-year-old differs substantially from yours.

This offends me. I have not one, but two beer signs hanging in my house given to me by a dear friend. Lone Star signs are a sign of Texas pride, dammit! And what's wrong with being in touch with your youthful side?

Anyone who has a beer can pyramid is a 19-year-old boy and I see nothing wrong with him dating 19-year-old girls. Call me a radical.

Chairs and sofas were meant to face one another. Is your living room configured so that every bit of seating available is turned toward the TV? That communicates to us that you’re not interested in communicating with us. Unfair snap judgment? Maybe so. But that’s how our brains are wired — we see that and immediately think, ‘Here’s a guy who has arranged his place to discourage conversation.’ Instant demerit points!

I cannot wait for the day they find the gene for liking chairs arranged facing each other and prove me wrong for scoffing at this. But, when I see a living room with all the chairs facing the TV, I think, "typical suburban house where kids and family veg in front of the TV every night".

Refrigerators are supposed to be stocked with edible food. This is a two-fer. First: when you ask her if she’d like something to drink, the fridge should not be so empty that there’s an echo effect when you peer in and say, “OK, let’s see what we’ve got.”

Pull a beer off the beer pyramid, if that's a problem. Stick with ales, since they are supposed to be a little warmer, anyway.

Organic life forms should grow in flowerpots, not on grout. Pink streaks on ceramic surfaces, visible footprints in the tub (or anywhere), globs of toothpaste petrifying in the sink: Bleah! You think a woman is going to opt to park her toothbrush overnight in a place so packed with hostile aliens?

But I thought that sort of thing brought out the mommy instinct in women. Awww.....

Clothing and furniture don’t mix. The clean stuff belongs in the closet. The dirty stuff belongs in a hamper. None of it belongs on the couch, the bed, the floor, a doorknob… you get the picture.

You know what's sexy? Jumping up out of bed when a woman throws her bra on the floor and putting it in the hamper with a "tsk tsk" noise.

And now for what men hate! Turns out they hate girlie stuff. Sort of. Don't be girlie but don't be not girlie, either. Like giggle, but don't giggle more than 2 seconds. A stopwatch might help.

Anyway.

And we decorate our homes in a way that says warm and welcoming to us… and freaks him out.

Screw having a home that makes you feel welcome. When you are decorating, your first inclination should be to please men you don't even know yet.

Candles and potpourri everywhere.

Because nothing is more upsetting to a skittish man than a woman whose home has sexy lighting and smells. What does she want? Sex or something? *shudder*

An explosion of floral prints and chintz. OK, generally men don’t spend an awful lot of time poring over fabric swatches. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about upholstery. And for the most part, it’s a safe bet that guys don’t want to come to your house and have no option but to sink into a seat cushion that’s both overstuffed and overflowing with frilly femininity.

If he wanted to date a woman, would he be with you? I don't think so. Ditch the girlie stuff.

Enough pillows on your bed to supply a large slumber party.

Unless, of course, you tell him that you have a lot of slumber parties. I hear that some men find this intriguing.

A stuffed animal collection.

I happen to agree. But being appalled by one million stuffed animals on a bed isn't a sign of some sort of male superiority. Normal adult women tend to avoid the stuffed animal pile, too.

Or – extra red flags, here – that were gifts to you from a string of ex-boyfriends.

If men hate them so damn much, why would they give them as gifts?

A hostess who can’t relax and hang out. I know at least one guy who is unnerved by the presence of a coaster standing guard between his glass and the coffee table.

How dare that bitch not want every date to mark his territory by leaving glass marks on her table? What next? Are men not allowed to pee in the corner of her bedroom? Steal panties? Woman, you and your coasters are out of line.

There you have it, people. The best bet to have a home that charms the opposite sex is to avoid decorations and soft furniture. I suggest patio furniture and stainless steel.

220 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A tip for avoiding the excessive giggling problem: make sure you don't read Mouse Words.

If, on the other hand, you're a lady inclined more to the insufficient giggling side of things, and your grave sin of insufficient gaiety has damned you to the abyss of single-ness, then read Mouse Words more.

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1/03/2005

 
Blogger Anne said...

Heavens, I wouldn't want to offend someone by having them use a coaster!

What the fuck?

1/03/2005

 
Blogger shannon said...

I really hate it when guys randomly give you stuffed animals. I hate stuffed animals. I only keep my dolls from childhood out of nostaglia. It totally goes back to the idea that women are somehow interchangable or something. If she's short: give her a stuffed animal. If she has big boobs: give her jewelry. Just being random.

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The worst gift a guy ever got me was a stuffed animal. Two, actually -- they were Valentine's bears, hugging each other. One was white, wearing red jammies with white hearts, and the other was red, wearing white jammies with red hearts.

This was someone who was hitting on me at work, so he left this on my desk, which happened to be the reception desk.

The worst part was, before he'd left for his business trip to Vermont and New Hampshire, he'd promised to get me maple syrup. I had visions of pancakes dancing in my head, only to find... scary-ass hugging Valentine's bears he probably got at a gas station.

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Blogger Amanda said...

Y'all be amused by this. I had a coworker whose boyfriend of many years gave her flowers and a teddy bear every month they were together for years. She was a bright woman and when our college graduation neared and he started making noises about marriage, she decided that she just didn't want to get married and instead move away for a high-paying job. So she dumped him. The next day she brought in the gifts he'd given her over all those years to give to a toy drive we were running. Six or seven GIANT garbage bags full of teddy bears, mostly brand new because she never touched them, for the kids. More than 60 teddy bears. We were in total awe.

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Blogger Maureen said...

Okay, maybe I've watched too much HGTV, but I personally believe that beer bottle collections can be successfully incorporated in decor, provided the bottles in question are sufficiently interesting. I would suggest putting them on an auxiliary bookshelf in a den with a men's-club atmosphere.

Guns, however, unless antique, should never be used as decor.

And what is with the hang-up about pillows? They're useful as back and pelvic support during strenuous activities--that is, unless they've got a million beads embroidered on to them, which makes the pillow essentially useless.

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Blogger Maureen said...

Oh, man, I just remembered about the coaster thing: My dad is anal about never setting drinks down on his coffee table (which is worth about $50). Since we don't usually have coasters or napkins around, he'll use just about anything and everything--magazines, newspapers, books, letters, bank statements--to protect his precious table.

My God, these MSN writers are morons.

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Blogger zuzu said...

If you polyurethane your furniture, you don't have to worry about coasters.

I'm always amused by these articles. I'm not a fluffy country-kitsch person, but I know plenty who are (lots of lace and potpourri and dried flower arrangements). Many guys I know have moved beyond beer and condiments into the club-chair-and-books aesthetic, but I do know several who cling to the sterotypical bachelor pad.

There *is* a happy medium out there, but MSN stubbornly refuses to believe it exists.

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Start Over : When couples first get together, everything is new and exciting.

Lighten Up : Often when couples have gone through or are going through some bumpy spots in their relationship, things tend to get serious.

Night of Passion : Intimacy and passion in relationships is not only important but also healthy.

Cuddle Time : When couples first start dating, cuddling is usually a part of their everyday existence.

Make the Women Feel Good : Just like men, woman love feeling good about themselves.

Showing Love : Although hearing the words, I love you is special and important.

Realistic Expectations : No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect.

Go on a Date : Especially for married couples, but even for some dating couples, start dating.

Control Your Anger : Every relationship has difficulties, and sometimes, there can be some intense arguments.

I Forgive You : If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through.

Day at the Movies : Have a movie marathon some rainy or cold Saturday.

Dinner by the Fire : Order in some of your favorite food, open a bottle of fine wine, light some candles.

A Day at the Spa : Show your appreciation for the hard work that takes.

Keep in Touch : It is important that you keep in touch with each other often.

Motivate Each Other : Find a mutual incentive that will motivate both of you.

Adore your Mate : Appreciate and love them for the person they are.

Make Eye Contact : Think back to the first time you saw your now mate.

Respect Privacy : When two people come together in a relationship, each person has their own set of history.

Be Flexible : There will be times when your mate is right and times when you are right.

Encourage Friendships : Men, unlike women, have a more difficult time in developing close friendships with other men.

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