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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Birds, bees, and box turtles

Okay, I'm actually not going to address how my Senator, John Cornyn, did us all a favor by fantasizing about man-on-turtle sex on the Senate floor. I assure you that while Texans may have a bad reputation in the bestiality department, there are those of us who can contemplate a turtle without having unduly erotic thoughts.
No, I am going to address sex education. I realize that many of the Senators that are against gay rights are also the very same ones against any real sex education in schools. And before I thought this was out of prudery. But now I realize it was out of jealousy. They don't want their teenagers knowing all about that sex stuff when they don't know anything about it. Witness this ignorant spiel from Rick Santorum, brought to you by Gadflyer:

Debating the issue today, the ever-reliable Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania assuaged the concerns of those who think same-sex marriage might render heterosexuals too depressed to have sex at all. "Will heterosexuals continue to - you know - copulate, to have sex?" the Senator asked. "Sure! But will they build families?"

I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out what he meant by this. The best I can figure is this--since moral people, the kind that marry and have families, will be boycotting marriage now that any old person can have one, people will quit making babies. Because moral people can't conceive unless they are married, I think.
Or maybe he meant that since the government gave it's okay, straight people are overwhelmingly going to abandon the baby-making kind of sex and go straight to all anal, all the time. Nice try, Senator, but if straight people were going to do that, they would have been convinced by pornography a long time ago.
Either way, Senator Santorum is dead wrong. Heterosexuals are totally going to quit copulating if gays can get married. How do I know? Well, I live in a state that was just recently forced to legalize sodomy (Texas, of course). And it has totally ruined my sex life. Every time my boyfriend or I even think about getting it on, all of a sudden we remember that now it's legal for gay people to be doing the same thing and all the erotic charge just leaves the room. If they can marry, well, I might as well join a convent.

Just kidding. If anything is going to stop women from copulating with men, it'll probably be this. (I'd be careful opening it at work.)

6 Comments:

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I'm still lost on the whole box turtle thing.

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