Mouse rant blog vent mouse.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Once again, I have to defend someone I would usually make fun of

Steve Gilliard I love. But tonight, he's missing the point in the widest possible way.

Alright, I admit that the Britney Spears thing hit a bit close to home for me, too. It's humanizing to see that like any other girl she is totally trapped by the belief that she needs to be above hormones and yet she has them. Like many young women, she seems to be captured by the problematic belief that if you like a guy and want to fuck him it must be L-U-V. It takes many years to get over this. Worse, most men don't ever get over it. Oh, they get over thinking that if they fuck someone it's L-U-V within moments of getting their first erections. No, they don't get over thinking that a girl loved every guy she fucked. The problem is that some girls don't get over that idea either.

When you have a friend in a situation like this, you hold your breath and hope she sees the light before she marries him. That someone who is independently wealthy like Britney Spears falls for this crap only confirms the power of the tension between women's sexual desires and their own best interests.

Steve thinks that women who sleep with the otherwise committed are judged less harshly. He needs to get busy counting words spent on Jessica Cutler and the men who paid her so they could get a cheap thrill out of cheating.

I've spoken at length before about how women lie, lie, lie and why we must or be destroyed by a sexist system. I forget how men don't understand the depth of bullshit that is necessary for a woman to just continue on. But I was reminded by this:

How many times have you heard, "oh I forgot about him". Unless you're Hugh Hefner, most guys remember in esquisite detail who they sleep with. But there seems to be this clause that sex only counts some of the time with women. Maybe it's because it's some guys suck in bed, maybe it's because they think there are do overs when it comes to sex.

Lies. All that is lies. Statistically, most men have more partners than women do. And of course they remember. I know all sorts of sordid things about most of the men I'm close to, which I won't be repeating now or ever. Women remember everything, too. But we lie and say we don't. Because it's easier that way. Most men don't want to be with a virgin in bed, but they don't want to have to consider for a moment that by having had sex with other people that means she's done the things that come along with sex. So, most women learn the basic principles quickly: 1) You've never had sex just because, 2) Despite having had nothing but loving, supportive, relationship-based sex, you are unaware of any kinky stuff except what you've learned from porn movies and books and 3) You don't remember shit. Sorry to burst any bubbles, but what a woman says to you, especially if some clothes have come off, "Oh I forgot about him," she's actually saying, I remember him but I would rather not give you any cause to think I've ever been naked with anyone else ever lest it cause problems.

Now, if Britney was a guy, this is pretty much the lecture she'd get:"Why the fuck are you in their marriage? You're gonna marry her? She's already got a kid with that guy. Now, if she dumped him, that's one thing. But she's eight months preganant and the kid isn't yours. Why are you in this shit? Are you crazy?"

He's right but for the wrong reasons. Men can criticize each other's sexual partners because a sexual partner is just one choice of many. To go after a guy's girlfriend is serious, yes. It's only to be done if she is a huge problem. But it's possible. Women are taught, on the other hand, to see themselves and their lives through men. To criticize a woman's choice is to put her very self on the line. That's just not do-able. Want to be able to criticize a girl friend's choice in companionship? Equality will make that possible.

A lot of women want to look for excuses for her behavior, when in reality is that her moral guide is well, lacking. It's not even a gender thing, but a morals thing. No one tells her no, so the fact that this guy wants to cash in and use her is less important than pissing people off.

Other people is the basis of female morality. Men can talk about ideals and rights and all that. If women want even the teeniest, tiniest thing, we have to find a way to argue that it's best for men and children. If Britney Spears were not a celebrity, she would be getting praised for taking on this man and his children and just sacrificing her own hopes for normal marriage and children for her man, since that's what women do. In her mind, she's a good woman, I guarantee it.

But the author ignores the fact that Ms. Spears has a history of cheating with married men and is more than willing to make bad decisions on her own. Making her out to be a victim is kinda silly.

As a commenter pointed out, the cheater is the one with a S.O. to cheat on. Again, women are not obligated to force men to be faithful by taking a universal oath not to sleep with married men. It's common sense not to do it. However, the husbands in question stood up before their families, communities, and a god they presumably believed in and vowed fidelity.

Edited to add: The original Salon article is cute and pretty much on target, however.

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I love your writing! Especially the bit about how women are expected to view what they want through the impact on men and children. I've just participated on an internet chat about whether men are sexually more visual than women, and it made me realize how totally impossible it is to even test this in the society we live in.

It's every bit as difficult to test whether women like sex less than men. Like the stupid test where strangers offer you instant sex (good-looking strangers), and how all women say no and most men say yes. Presto! Women are less interested in sex. This is what is seen as evidence in psycho-evo literature.

But very few women would go off with a stranger who propositions to them in daylight on a campus (how the test was done), even if she was salivating with lust. It is just common sense, when a) you can get killed by a weirdo and b) you can get pregnant. The results tell us nothing about what women's sexual desires might be.

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