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Thursday, September 02, 2004

Noah's Ark?

From thisgirl, an interesting article on why young women reject the term of "feminist". I found this section to be particularly thought-provoking:

Young women may believe that a feminist identity puts them out of the pool for many men, limits the options of who they might become with a partner, how they might decide to live. They may not be wrong either: how many young men feminists or feminist sympathizers do you know? A politics that may require making demands on a partner, or that may motivate particular choices in partners, can appear to foreclose rather than to open up options for identity, especially for women who haven't yet discovered that all relationships require negotiation and struggle. When you live on Noah's ark, anything that might make it more difficult to find a partner can seem to threaten your very survival. To make our case, feminists have to combat not just homophobia, but also the rule of the couple, the politics of Noah's ark in the age of "family values," This does not mean that heterosexual feminist women must give up their intimate relationships, but it does mean that feminists must continually analyze those pressures, be dear about how they operate in our lives, and try to find ways around and through them for ourselves, each other, and other women.

Backlash by Susan Faludi covers alot of ground in the various ways that women and their rights are under assault by the culture at large. One of the things that she addresses is the push to get women to believe that their sexual futures are precarious at best, that nothing is harder than finding a man. It's an amusing, in a way, that our culture is so hellbent on flattering male egos at random that we manage both to believe that women are desperate for male attention while we notice that women usually are the ones deflecting male attention. When I was younger I was rather confused--watch TV and you'd think that women are flinging themselves desperately at indifferent men. Leave your actual house and find that men actually tend to do the majority of pursuing.

I always thought the blatant cultural lie that men get their pick while women are fighting for scraps on the sexual market was just one more product of a culture that seems to want to pick on women for no good reason much of the time. But reading that paragraph, it occured to me that a big reason that women are told that men are fickle and elusive is that it's an effective way to discourage us from adopting feminist beliefs. After all, if it's nearly impossible to get a man when you're drop-dead gorgeous and also practiced at simpering, scraping and reading The Rules, then to actually adopt feminist beliefs will condemn you to a sexless, cat-filled life. Your rights or your love life--what's it gonna be?

Well, not an earth-shattering revelation, but I guess I never realized how transparent certain stereotypes are. Watching the women on "Friends" or something fall to pieces because a wedding hasn't happened yet isn't just annoying, it's politically damaging. And it's antagonizing how much of these stereotypes I've internalized--I find myself bowing and scraping sometimes since my perfectly natural desire to be attractive has been perverted into a desire to be subservient.

179 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Leave your actual house and find that men actually tend to do the majority of pursuing."

For casual sex, yes.

As a side note, I have noticed that a lot of problems in feminism can be easily explained by noting that in a monogamous society, at most ten percent of women can succeed in monopolizing the best ten percent of men. This logical tautology implies quite a lot, when you think about it.

"I always thought the blatant cultural lie that men get their pick while women are fighting for scraps on the sexual market was just one more product of a culture that seems to want to pick on women for no good reason much of the time."

A more Occams-razor-style hypothesis to explain this lie is that both culture and media attention heavily concentrate on the top one or two percent of men, who indeed do get to pick and choose. The invisible 98% of men (aka "the rest of us") know perfectly well that male options are a blatant lie. In their own lives, they don't get to simply pick and choose.

(Can't blame the media, though: the top two percent of men makes much more enjoyable viewing for both men and women than the bottom two percent. Men get to fantasize being the alpha male, women get to fantasize monopolizing the alpha male.)

Of course, the options picture is very different depending on whether we concentrate on twenty-year-old men and women (as everyone knows, one group lives in a sexual desert, the other in a sexual rainforest), as opposed to forty-year-olds.


Ilkka Kokkarinen

9/02/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, this is why I've never really given a hoot if I had a boyfriend or not. I did buy into the whole "thou shalt simper and scrape for a man" thing, and upon further examination, decided that being alone was preferable to all that.

But hey, that's me.

--Sheelzebub

9/02/2004

 
Blogger sofie said...

"especially for women who haven't yet discovered that all relationships require negotiation and struggle"

This was the bit that got me; the way relationships are romantically portrayed everywhere is a bitch. The rose-tinted view of how "real" relationships ought to be, to be "worth it" is one of the hardest things to let go of when you do find a serious relationship. When I started becoming political it was very hard for me to understand and cope with the fact that my boyfriend disagreed with me on a lot of things; almost as hard as realising that, unlike in Dawson's Creek, men sometimes have trouble talking about and expressing their emotions. Adopting feminist beliefs has both made my relationship easier and harder; harder to deal with the fact that he can disagree with some of the fundamental politics that underpin most of my choices, and easier because my self-esteem has raised enough to deal with the not-always-perfect nature of relationships.

I so need to read Backlash. Being a poor student really does suck.

9/02/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Not just casual sex--that's just another negative stereotype, that men don't want relationships. Some, sure. But it seems to me that the purpose behind the stereotype that men want sex but not relationships is also to promote gender inequality. The underlying belief is that men's personalities are desirable, but women's are not.

9/02/2004

 
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9/02/2004

 
Blogger sofie said...

We havea great one at college, only I'm barred til I can pay a £7 fine for damage to book (which, I hasten to add wasn't even me *grumble grumble*)

Also, the librarian looked at me like I was the devil when I ordered Mein Kampf (hey, I was interested, it was as terrible as expected, end of story)

9/02/2004

 
Blogger Mary Garth said...

The scaremongering about ending up single really is absurd. Have you read Sylvia Ann Hewlett's book, Creating a Life? According to her, we should all spend our twenties catching a man and making babies instead of trying to develop a career, or we might wake up one morning, 45 and single and childless, all because of a series of 'creeping non-choices' along the way.

The fact is, almost everyone in our society marries or partners with someone. Sure, there's been a moderate decline in proportions ever married by age 45 since the generation that "came of age" in the 50s and 60s, but it's only down to something like 90% from 95 or 96%, and the thing that was unusual was the 50s and 60s, not now, since it was also in the 90% range in the early 1900s. Pretty much everyone who wants to get married can and does get married. There may be a few exceptions, but for the most part, those who remain legally single are either non-maritally partnered (gay or straight), don't want to be married or partnered, or in some cases, quite literally have something seriously wrong with them (I don't mean in the sense of blaming them, I mean people with real mental or physical illnesses) that make them incapable of being partnered.

But heck, blaming independent women for the breakdown of relationships has a long, illustrius history--the Roman Tacitus was doing it around 105 C.E....

9/03/2004

 
Blogger Kameron Hurley said...

RE: men and relationships

Studies of dating services (even the "heavy on the relationship sauce" ones like eharmony) show a far greater percentage of male members and respondents than female. I think it was Phyllis Chesler's _Women & Madness_ as well as _Backlash_ that pointed out that men in "committed relationships" (ie married) live longer, have more sex, and are pyscologically more stable and happier than single men. Married women are actually more likely to be depressed and/or drugged up by the local doctor than single women (the argument in _Backlash_ being that many single women were becoming financially and sexually independent due to the advent of the Pill and the passing of equal rights laws, and men got nervous ["what will women need *us* for?"], so a lot of people latched onto what was supposed to be a flippant blurb in a Valentine's Day column and the "women are more likely to get killed by a terrorist than get married after 30" myth was promulgated [based on a study that hadn't even been published or peer-reviewed, and whose model for calculating that percentage was later found to be grossly inaccurate. Always triple-checked those stats the media feeds us!]).

What bugs me about the "hetero feminists don't get married/laid" mythos is, as said, based on the assumption that all hetero women place marriage at the top of the list. Marriage has never been *on* my list. Seriously. And I was made to feel guilty and selfish about it. Hiking up to Macchu Picchu, making a living writing books, getting a Ph.D., surrounding myself with good friends, and living in New Zealand are, however, ON my list.

I think it scares the shit out of hetero men that there are women who don't have "committed relationship with a man" at the top of their list. So you're harrided as a nutso (read: failed woman) if you don't. A lot of the "coming to grips with being a young feminist" thing is, in fact, acknowledging your list of priorities, and sticking by them, even if you're in a society that tells you you're a failure. Society's rules don't work for everyone. They work for the select few who have power.

So, sticking to your own list could be seen as a political act.

Hey. Imagine that. And I thought I was politically lazy...

9/03/2004

 
Blogger flea said...

"sexless, cat-filled life." Heh.

Has anybody seen the documentary "Capturing the Friedmans?" It is about a family that is completely destroyed when it is discovered that the father in the family is a pedophile.

The movie is absolutely devastating, as you can imagine, but what struck me the most was Mrs. Friedman, a really very ordinary looking woman in her early sixties. She realized that her entire married life had been a lie, her children all turned against her, siding with their father, and she lost everything. Three years after she divorced her husband, she met a man and got married. He seems wonderful, and she claims to be happier than she has ever been.

So: a plain, ordinary middle-class woman whose ruined life makes national news finds a handsome new husband in less than 5 years. It really doesn't sound like what we've been told we should expect, does it?

~flea

9/03/2004

 
Blogger The News Writer said...

I really HAVE been in the newsroom too long. I'd forgotten all about Backlash. Thanks for reminding (and happy birthday too).

Fear of being single isn't the sole domain of heterosexual relationships. It lives over here in homo-land too. I'm not sure how much of it is a childhood of "you must grow up and get married" and how much is something else that has morphed into a fear of being alone.

It's all cultural, I suspect. As I'm getting older, though, I'm losing a lot of that fear. I've got friends now, some older than me, who are living perfectly wonderful single lives (hetero- and homosexual). I will be soon, sadly, so at least I've got some role models now.

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