MSN decides their advice isn't offensive enough

Time to take it to a new level and ask the question--is equality making women miserable? *big fucking sigh*

(Hint to men who think equality is making women miserable--tell all your dates this. Women are completely charmed by the suggestion that they would be happier if a man was in charge of their lives.)

It’s the millennium, and today’s woman is strong, confident, self-sufficient and career driven. As the equal rights movement evolved, societies’ opinion of a woman’s ability has transformed enormously. A female is no longer simply seen as just a pretty face—instead she is respected for being intelligent, independent and assertive. Women finally have a voice, choice and secure place in the world—or do they?

No, they still make 75 cents to a man's dollar. If they are miserable, then it's got to be the inequality.

Are women really happy with this new found freedom and equality? Are they really that “evolved” or do they still (secretly) long for the olden days where they were doted on, taken care of and courted by a handsome gentleman?

No. And for those few fools who think that there was nothing more romantic than relying completely on men's generousity for your very survival, I would recommend actually reading a Victorian novel or two. Try Tess of the D'urbervilles for a good example of how wonderful it was to rely on men to take care of you.

Historically, women were seen as fragile, dependent and less intelligent and productive members of society. They did not have the same legal rights as men, thus the struggle to alter perceptions and lobby for change was extremely difficult. Those on the forefront had no choice but to become radical and extreme.

Now they can be less radical and extreme. You know, give up just some of their hard won rights.

Women learned to be tough and strong, denying any feelings or desires that they needed a man in any way. For a woman to be seen as independent and convince society that she was capable, she needed to reject any of the stereotypical characteristics of the delicate, feminine woman.

Now of course we can slap the corsets back on and start fainting again. That is sure to go over well with both your boss and your boyfriend or husband.

Today, being a woman can be complicated. While she wants to be seen as equal and independent, she also wants to embrace her femininity and be treated special—not like one of the boys. So what does a woman really want?

This article is in the "Just for Women" section, where the readers are presumably all women. Until this moment in time, I don't think that women were ever expected to puzzle out what they want. It was always men asking this question and historically they never got an answer because they thought it was easier to set up philosophical or scientific studies rather than just ask women directly. Those men apparently had the right idea--if women don't know what women want, than how the hell are men supposed to figure it out?

This article has got to be aimed at men. This checklist is addressed to the person trying to puzzle out what women want without having to go to the trouble of asking. The editorial staff at MSN needs to lay off the Valium already.

She always wants to be respected and valued; however, here are some things to think about:

The word "however" is key here. Everything after this can be assumed to be ways to get around the respecting and valuing that these crazy feminists want.

*Was she always taken care of by her father? If so, she may expect to be taken care of the old fashioned way—man takes care of woman—because this is what she learned.

However, if she is a feminist and demands an equal relationship, you can be sure her father left her in the snow to starve.

*Was she controlled by power or money or watch as her mother was controlled, leaving her dependent and powerless? If so, she may be motivated to take care of herself and not rely on a man.

Get that down everyone? When dad controls, it's "taking care". When mom does it, it is probably pathological.

*Was she taken care of but now can’t find a man who can meet those needs? She may pretend she doesn’t want to be cared for in order to avoid the pain of not having what she wants.

So even if she tells you that she wants equality, you can safely ignore her spoken wishes.

*Was she married and divorced? Maybe she wanted the traditional relationship at one time but realized it made her feel childlike and insecure.

Remember, if you treat a woman like a child, then she's been neurotic if she feels like you're treating her like a child.

It all becomes about assessing what works for the relationship. Some women want to stay home and take care of the kids while the man goes to work and makes a living for both of them. Some women want to work and make their own money and realize their ambitious career goals. Others want the best of both worlds.

Just remember the basic principle--whatever a woman has in her life is because she chose it. After all, this is a post-feminist world. The best part of this is that she can assume she's lying if she complains and says things like, "I need to get paid the same as my male coworkers," or "I'm going crazy being locked in the house with the kids all day." Since women only make decisions based on their own mysterious inner motivations and never out of necessity or to make a husband happy, you can assume that they have no right to complain.

The bottom line is that there is no right or wrong as long as you are happy. It’s the judgments that other people make that leave you unsatisfied with your decisions. Some women feel like they are letting down the “movement” if they are not hard-working career women.

Oh, I know that tune. All together now: Women don't want to work for money of their own. Women only work because their natural gullibility makes it easy for the wicked feminists to guilt trip them.

Other working moms are riddled with guilt that they aren’t home taking care of their kids.

The best way to help them is to call them bad mothers and deliberately fuck up what chores she asks you to do. Eventually they'll give in and do what they want--become full-time housewives.

Whichever way you slice it, it’s difficult to be an independent yet dependent, strong willed yet delicate, self-assured yet insecure woman of the 21st century.

So the best course of action is to keep her home and dependent and compliant, but praise her in public for her strength in telling you to stand up straight and mind your manners.