A brand new way to torture myself

I have discovered I Village, which is going to be the source of much pain and anguish from here on out. I wonder if I am working out some deep, dark frustrations, or if I just really need an easy laugh. Any way you slice it, they have an irresistible column called Mr. Answer Man. The question is: How can I get my guy to be more affectionate? The answer is that men won't do anything loving for their partner, so asking for what you need is out of the question. You have to trick him.

And you thought it was going to be hard! Nothing will motivate a guy to reciprocate affection like approval. It's hard to overstate this. Approval is what he wants the most, inside his deepest, little-boy self, and when he gets it -- lots of it -- his hard wiring will have him giving back to you in spades.

If you've ever watched animal trainers, you'll see that the snap a treat into an animal's mouth so fast after the animal has done what it's told that you may never even see the treat. That is your model.

1. Come on to him. Guys experience consent as approval; it's why some of us are such hounds. When you come on to him, it's super-approval.

Of course, the problem seems to be that the guy isn't reciprocating. Which means she has come onto him. Well, five is just a better number than four, so there had to be a completely meaningless point in there. Better to put it at the top and hope no one notices.

2. Pay compliments. So easy. Let me get you started:

*Nice pants!
*You're strong!
*How come you're such a good kisser?
*I love your (body part of choice).
*What a good idea!

Don't wait for the right moment. Throw these things at him out of a clear blue sky.

Yeah, don't wait for the right moment--trip him up by throwing out compliments willy-nilly at inappropriate times. It's a CIA interrogation technique to break down his defenses. Tell him he's strong when he's watching TV. Compliment his cock size at his mother's house. Soon he will be putty in your hands.

3. Ask his opinion. He'll feel heard, he'll realize you value his point of view, and he'll get to hear the sound of his own voice. All this spells approval for a guy. The bonus is you'll get to learn what's going on inside Mr. Not-Always-So-Talkative's head.

Women, as we know, are bad about asking men's opinions. For instance, women are not known for asking, "How's this look?" "What do you want for dinner?" and other such opinion questions like this. And men, who never get to talk, will jump on the chance to answer such questions. No man has ever said, "I don't care. Whatever you think is best."

4. Look him in the eyes and smile. At first it'll be more than he can stand and he'll look away. Then he'll look back. You'll still be doing it. By the third time, it'll be all he can do not to drop and give you 20.

Ah yes, the staredown. Nothing more romantic than having a staredown. There's not a man yet able to resist being stared down.

5. Stop telling him what to do. All of your hard work will be undone instantly with a single piece of unsolicited advice. Rule of thumb: You can ask him to do something, but leave how he does it to him.

This is the main thing. If you ask, no matter how nicely, that your man actually act like he's in a relationship with all the give-and-take that relationships have, then these tricks and manipulations may go to waste. Sure, he may actually just do as you ask and gladly because he wants the relationship to work. Or he may tell you to fuck off and necessitate you ending the relationship. Either way, you won't need advice columns like this anymore, and that's why all your effort will have gone to waste.