After reading this, I don't know why people bother to date at all

One of my iVillage favorites, Mr. Answer Man, answer five "top" questions women have about men. All answers seem to be variations on the same theme, which is guys are lazy, dumb, and rude so don't expect too much from them.

1. Why are men such lousy listeners?
It's not that we're lousy listeners, we're just good editors. If you say something important or interesting to us, especially something about sports, sex or some other topic we hold near and dear to our hearts, we're all ears -- provided we're not busy watching a ball game or reading the newspaper. But when it comes to most other topics we couldn't care less about (fashion, fad diets, your best friend's new boyfriend), we know that if we nod, grunt and otherwise feign listening, it's almost as good and you may not even notice we've tuned out.

Your man is a lousy listener because you're boring. It's the only explanation. Don't forget that it's a woman's job to be amusing and a man's to be amused.

But it's the truth. If you want to try to change things, you have two options:

1) Be less boring or 2) quit talking altogether. Those are just my guesses, though.

Either try tuning out when your man is discussing something you couldn't care less about and see if he likes it (don't be surprised if he doesn't even notice)

Walking out of the room is helpful when trying to seem disinterested. So is covering up your ears and singing, "I can't hear you, I can't hear you."

or choose your topics of conversation more carefully, and save the fashion talk and gossip for your girlfriends.

In other words, be less boring, you nattering small-minded female.

2. How can I get my guy to be more affectionate?

We've covered this ground before, but hey, it's all in good fun. The key is to remember that men startle easily, so they can never be addressed directly.

To get your guy to be more affectionate, use the theory that "men are like dogs" and treat him like the most famous scientific dog there ever was, Pavlov's dog.

Um, who wants to be the one to tell him that "men are like dogs" means something slightly different than "men are easy to train." Anyway, if men are really like dogs, then why would you have to train them to be affectionate? How much more affection can you show than jumping all over someone and covering them with kisses every time they've been out of your sight for more than an hour?

For example, try a hug from behind. As you hug, make him smile. You might whisper into his ear one of those inside jokes that all couples have, or promise he can watch sports all day on Sunday, without a single complaint from you. He'll associate the affection with something good

In the meantime, you'll be reminding yourself that affection from you isn't something "good" in and of itself. But hey, you're a woman! You can take a blow to your self-esteem like that after all the practice you get.

and, in time, will warm up to the idea of returning this pleasure-producing behavior.

Don't be alarmed if he hugs you and then is puzzled when a can of dog food isn't immediately produced. It's a common side effect of this particular behavior modification program.

3. Do men like it when women play hard-to-get?

Dunno. I never returned his phone calls so I never got a chance to ask him how he liked it.

The bottom line is that men like the thrill of the chase and, yes, we want what we can't have. It's just part of how we're programmed. So if you act somewhat interested yet slightly unavailable, we eat it up.

I have never figured out how this tip is supposed to work in the long run. Eventually all but the stupidest man are going to figure out that you'll have him, especially if you say, move in or marry him. And if the chase is it, then wouldn't he quit wanting you at precisely the moment when that love is most important? I mean, if being that finicky is hard-wired into men, then what's the point of going out with men at all, since you know he's going to lose interest?

4. Why don't guys talk about their ex-girlfriends?

I refuse to believe that anyone asked this question, much less that it's in the top five most common questions.

It's not that guys don't talk about their ex-girlfriends, it's that they talk about them much, much less than women talk about (or want to talk about) their ex-boyfriends.

I suppose I should be heartened by the fact that he's making up questions in order to "prove" that men are nobly reticient and women are blabber-mouthed children. But he can cram more than just two stereotypes into the answer for one made up question.

There's a word for wanting to know about the ex-girlfriends your guy was in love with: masochism.

It's the only explanation. It's not possible in the slightest that women might be overly curious about these matters because they were brought up to believe that it's their duty in life to please their man as much as humanly possible and they are trying to figure out how to do that by finding out what he liked and what he didn't about his former girlfriends. Maybe this is a common question, now that I think about it.

The only pertinent questions you need to ask about exes are:
1. How long ago were you together?...
2. What caused the relationship to end?
If he says, "She was crazy," grab your sneakers and run -- don't walk -- away from him. You don't need some scorned ex around to make you nervous.

The hell? You should dump a man because his ex-girlfriend might bug you?

I do agree that it's wise to dump a guy who has a string of ex-girlfriends that are mysteriously "psycho", but not because you're scared of this mysterious cabal of mental patients. The reason you dump a man who says his ex-girlfriend is psycho is because he's probably in the habit of blaming all the relationship problems on women's natural irrationality, and it's only a matter of time before he's going around town calling you a psycho.

5. Do men like it when women tell them what they (women) want in bed?
That would depend on what you're requesting. If you ask a man if he wouldn't mind lasting longer or smelling better, you'll get a less-than-positive response.

So if he hasn't showered, just be unresponsive to his advances and refuse to say what's wrong. That's sure to make him feel much, much better.

So if you know a short cut or a sure-fire method, then by all means, speak up.

Unless, of course, that sure-fire method involves lasting longer or smelling better, that is.

If you're shy about speaking in specifics or are worried about offending him, rather than sit him down for an uncomfortable heart-to-heart, why not introduce some new and improved moves yourself, then see how he reacts?

Jump in the shower and make it seem like fun! He's sure to figure it out. That or he'll be confused as to why you're showering for the second time that evening. As for showing by example how to last longer, well, I'm still trying to figure that one out.