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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Another reason that engagement rings are a pain in the ass

This advice column at Tomato Nation really got my goat.

Okay, here's the deal. I've been dating the girlfriend for about a year and a half. We're not engaged, but pretty much as soon as I find some time to buy a ring we will be. I'm five years out of grad school where I had essentially two best friends, neither of whom have I seen much in the time I've been with the girlfriend, due to the craziness and mishegoss of life.

Grad Friend One got married a few months ago. I was invited to the wedding alone. Girlfriend found this to be very rude and classless, and was quite upset. (A little more so than I could comprehend, actually.)... Friend Two explained that only fiancees and spouses were invited because there was no more room in the ballroom...

So today I get the invite for Friend Two's wedding, and it's solo. I'm pretty sure I'm going to pass on the wedding. While I understood the first time, this guy knew it was an issue and did the same thing. I'm not mad at him, since it's my belief that it's his party and he can invite whomever the hell he wants. BUT, I don't think it's appropriate for me to go under the circumstances....

And he wants to know how to make his excuses.

Sarah's advice is that she thinks that girlfriend is getting angry about....something else. Duh.

Well, I think what's up is that she's upset because she thinks you might have underplayed the seriousness of the relationship to your friends, or she's feeling insecure because married couples get preferential treatment in social situations of this ilk, but in any case, she's not mad that she didn't get invited per se. She's mad that her plus-one status wasn't assumed, and that might not seem like a whole different discussion...but it kind of is.

The solution to this man's problem is so evident I'm embarrassed to spell it out. All he has to do is tell his friends and everyone around him that that he and his girlfriend are engaged so that she gets the invitations she deserves from the Marriage Nazis. (Okay, I'm biased, but I do think it's rude to demand marriage certificates before acknowledging someone's relationship as valid. You can be married to someone you know for a day and get these privileges. Big whoop.)

He's holding out on the committment for the ring, meaning the ring makes the engagement "real". Someone who's managed to work all the way through grad school should have enough intelligence not to mistake the symbol for the thing. Now maybe I'm a hopeless hippie, but I think the thing that counts is the promise, not the diamond. If they are, in fact, planning to marry they are already engaged. And she should get that status.

Why is she suspicious? Gosh, I wonder why. He's all but saying, "We're engaged, but it's a secret. My friends can't know or they'll invite you to weddings."

I have no idea what his real motivations are, whether he's lying to his girlfriend or he's been hoodwinked, but the big, fat diamond ring is the problem either way. You can't have love without the money for it on one hand, or the expense of the device is a way to string a girlfriend along by pretending you're going to marry her. How romantic.

The letter also made me wonder if I live on the same planet, much less country, as these people, who are presumably my age and well-educated. Excluding the female half of a long-established couple simply because she isn't sporting the proper jewelry is really, really crass to me.

426 Comments:

Blogger james d said...

And people wonder why gays want to get married--so our partner can get invited along with us to straight people's weddings, hopefully to offset the torture.

12/15/2004

 
Blogger rabbit said...

Seems like the friends are just coming up with an artificial way to cull the guest list, not making a value judgement on the relationship. They probably came at it from the standpoint of: well, we can't invite everyone's girlfriend...and if we make an exception for this guy because they're a long-term couple then we'll have all sorts of other people going 'well we've been together just as long, how come you invited her and they're not engaged...' Just a thought, as people are catty and stupid sometimes, and when planning big events you just want to avoid that crap.
Anyway, in my experience, things typically cut the other way: in my family, adults are always invited 'John and Guest' just in case they're dating someone we don't know about, and my boyfriend's family tried to invite me to all sorts of things just 6 months after we started dating (weddings, christmas, easter, you name it...and he found it incredibly awkward).

12/16/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What rabbit said is right- only inviting the engaged/married couples is just a way to weed down the guest list. While you can't not invite someone's fiance(e)/spouse, you can kind of get away with not inviting SO's/dates. It weeds down the number of random strangers you have to feed and entertain just so your friends can have someone to dance with, and frees up more people you do know to come to the wedding.

I loathe the whole ring thing, but speaking as someone who got engaged sans diamond, I got a load of crap about not having one, and for all I know this guy's girlfriend might consider the Ring to be vitally important.

That said, the writer did ask his friend to say, "look, if you're going to make it an engaged-only policy, PLEASE give me a heads-up before the invites go out so I can make it official and girl can come too," and said friend knew the situation and didn't bother to. Kind of jerky if you ask me.

Then again, I kind of sympathize with the guy because the one wedding I got invited to when I was with my last SO was a solo invite- it was from a girl I'd known in high school but hadn't seen for years (our moms see each other more often) and she didn't know I had someone. My ex threw big ol' fits about whyyyyyyyyyyyyy can't I come with you to the wedding and begging me to bring him or beg for an invite for him (which I think is supremely rude- my mom pulled that shit when I was a kid so she could drag me to weddings). The ironic thing about this was that he had to work every single weekend and his chances of getting a weekend off were virtually nil, and either way he wouldn't know if he had the time off until the day before the wedding. Anyway, I finally gave in and didn't go to shut him up- and he got the time off in the end. Grrr.

-Jennifer, who hates weddings

12/16/2004

 
Blogger Amanda said...

I get their reasoning, but it seems really old-fashioned to me to expect everyone in your acquaintance to obey the only married couples count rule. But my main point is, ring or no, they should be considered engaged if they are already promised to marry. The ring isn't the thing.

12/16/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seems to me that the engagement ring is actually a pretty handy little symbol in this situation. It shows up who's being a total ass here -- the friends for using it as a deal-breaker on the wedding invites and the boyfriend for using it as an excuse not to be publicly engaged. If he said he were too broke or waiting for her birthday or Christmas or a weekend in the country to pop the question, sure. But he's waiting to "find some time to buy a ring?" Please. If it were important enough to him he'd make the time.

It's a little old-fashioned in a sense to take the ring as a symbol of one's true intentions, but on the other hand, if the shoe, uh, ring fits...

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12/18/2004

 
Blogger Matt said...

Ugh. As someone who made the mistake of thinking the ring didn't matter, trust me, it matters.

When my fiancee and I got engaged, I had just been accepted to grad school and was moving to a city where I knew no one and had few prospects for a job. As queasy as the whole ring business made me, I knew it was important to her, and I was determined to give her something she would be proud of, and so, it took me a year to save up the money to buy the damn thing.

Oh, the mistakes I made! First, I thought giving it to her wouldn't require a big show. After all, we were already openly engaged, and everyone knew it. I did surprise her with it (as much as possible, given that she had helped pick out the ring a couple weeks before), but she was noticeably disappointed that there was no elaborate proposal, no embarrassing Jumbotron moment, as it were. Suddenly, my parents were taking the whole thing very seriously—so seriously they no longer seemed capable of speaking with me in any normal manner. Then, my fiancee began to speak as if we had only just made a commitment. We had been engaged for a year! Even people whom had been told we were engaged began to act as though it were some new revelation.

I haven't yet figured it all out, but I do know that—however much I might wish it were otherwise—the ring matters.

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I Forgive You : If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through.

Day at the Movies : Have a movie marathon some rainy or cold Saturday.

Dinner by the Fire : Order in some of your favorite food, open a bottle of fine wine, light some candles.

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Motivate Each Other : Find a mutual incentive that will motivate both of you.

Adore your Mate : Appreciate and love them for the person they are.

Make Eye Contact : Think back to the first time you saw your now mate.

Respect Privacy : When two people come together in a relationship, each person has their own set of history.

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Night of Passion : Intimacy and passion in relationships is not only important but also healthy.

Cuddle Time : When couples first start dating, cuddling is usually a part of their everyday existence.

Make the Women Feel Good : Just like men, woman love feeling good about themselves.

Showing Love : Although hearing the words, I love you is special and important.

Realistic Expectations : No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect.

Go on a Date : Especially for married couples, but even for some dating couples, start dating.

Control Your Anger : Every relationship has difficulties, and sometimes, there can be some intense arguments.

I Forgive You : If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through.

Day at the Movies : Have a movie marathon some rainy or cold Saturday.

Dinner by the Fire : Order in some of your favorite food, open a bottle of fine wine, light some candles.

A Day at the Spa : Show your appreciation for the hard work that takes.

Keep in Touch : It is important that you keep in touch with each other often.

Motivate Each Other : Find a mutual incentive that will motivate both of you.

Adore your Mate : Appreciate and love them for the person they are.

Make Eye Contact : Think back to the first time you saw your now mate.

Respect Privacy : When two people come together in a relationship, each person has their own set of history.

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