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Saturday, December 18, 2004

Hiding behind men

Jessica at feministing posted on this article about women who wear fake engagement rings in order to fend off unwanted advances. I had a friend who actually did this in college, which seemed a little excessive to me, but then again, I know she had to deal with lots of unwanted advances and trying to patiently explain over and over again why you don't want to talk to a guy gets very tiring. It just strikes me as an elaboration on telling a guy that you already have a boyfriend, whether it's true or not. I didn't think about the article too much, until I read this comment by Kathy:

I feel sorry for women that have to hide behind a fake ring and the fake man that it's supposedly connected to in order to respond to unwanted come-ons. Poor things, can't actually respond for themselves, haven't learned how to fend off the lechers in the world, to say "I'm not interested". And waving a ring at a construction worker makes them feel powerful? Huh. The inherent "no thanks I already have a man" message they need to handle the world of men is demeaning and disempowering. But they probably won't ever figure that out. Grrrr.

And I thought to myself, "Well it's not that women are necessarily unable to say no, it's just that some men aren't capable of taking no for an answer." I was fixing to put that thought into the comments when it occurred to me that such guys can take no for an answer, they just won't hear it from a woman. When you invoke a boyfriend, real or not, to ward off a man who won't take a simple "no" for an answer, you are putting on the mantle of male authority. It's not you who's saying no, oh no, it's your man and he has to respect that.

Is it disempowering? Yeah, no one likes to have to put her words into the mouth of a man in order to get respect for those words. But a sneaky side of me has to respect the cleverness of the technique, because it is, in a sense, turning the offensive person's own sexism against him. But mostly I don't want to judge women who do it, because sometimes it's the only choice you have when dealing with an obnoxious advance. It's not really a bold feminist statement to have to endure an asshole who won't leave you alone in order to prove that you don't need a man to protect you. When someone is mistreating you like this, just getting out of the situation quickly is feminist enough for me.

It occurs to me that putting words in a man's mouth to get respect for those words is a technique women use all the time. I can think, right off the top of my head, of a number of times when I've invoked a man's agreement with me in order to get more respect from men I'm talking to, though usually I've only done this when talking about musical tastes. I've done it unconsciously most of the time, and as there's no reason (like trying to extract myself from a bad situation) to do it, I hope that I can refrain in the future.

I can think of tons of other examples of women invoking men to give authority to their assertions. "Just wait until your father gets home!" "My boyfriend/husband says...." "Well, I learned that from (fill in male authority)." And so on and so forth.

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Blogger Elayne said...

"But a sneaky side of me has to respect the cleverness of the technique, because it is, in a sense, turning the offensive person's own sexism against him." Ah, but the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house...

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Blogger Jo said...

I wear a wolf-ring to work--I'm a nurse--not because of the comments or hassling I get from men, but because of the interest that women, especially older women, have in my marital status. There's something about taking care of people day in and day out that makes those people think that they can ask personal questions, attempt to set you up with a son or nephew, or bug you repeatedly about why you're not/you are dating.

The ring's not a wedding band, but it's close enough to fool some folks. It makes it easier all the way around--I don't have to escalate my refusals from "no thanks, I don't want to meet your nephew" to "that's an inappropriate thing to say; stop now".

The ironic thing is that I *am* dating someone seriously. Some folks just won't take "no" for an answer, though. Especially when they're women of a generation or two before mine who really want to see their confirmed bachelor relatives paired up.

12/19/2004

 
Blogger mythago said...

Given the situation, I have a hard time criticizing women who shortcut the issue with a ring.

On the other hand, you then run into the problem of spinning out the lie--answering questions about the fake husband or fiance, most notably.

And it does give credence to the idea that a 'no' simply isn't appropriate, that the only reason a woman might refuse a man's advances is that some other man got there first.

12/19/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I went to India earlier this year I wore a wedding ring, as well as bangles and anklets (symbols of marriage in some parts of India). Why? Because if you can't invoke the protection of a husband, you are fair game for arse-pinching, bosom-groping, staring, pressing, following, and cat-calling not to mention many men (in shops, offices, railway ticket coutners etc) refusing to deal with you altogether....

12/19/2004

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I get so sick and tired of snotty comments about how we're not supposed to hide behind men. Look, sometimes I'm sitting on the train, minding my own business, dead tired, not interested, and lacking the energy to educate some guy that no means no. It might not be reveloutionary, but it works, and sometimes, that's all that matters. Because you're right--some men refuse to take no for an answer. They feel that entitled.

You'd think my bitchy demeanor would be enough to rebuff, but sometimes it isn't. Telling a guy I wasn't interested got him screaming at me that I was a cold, uppity bitch. Didn't need the spittle in my face. Didn't need the confirmation that people would shove their noses in their papers while I was backed against the wall by an entitled assmonkey.

Thing is, the wedding/engagement/boyfriend thing can backfire. I wore a claddagh on my left hand (wedding finger) for awhile (it fit on that finger best, honest)--some men took it as a challenge.

--Sheelzebub

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must agree with Sheezelbub: wearing a claddagh (which was my engagement ring back in the day) did nothing whatsoever to ward off men. They just kept pushing away. Grrr.
I am debating getting some fake bling once again (I had some back when I was 20 for this purpose, until it turned my finger green), since anything that looks like a white stone seems to work better. How annoying.

-Jennifer

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Blogger jeff said...

I'm suprised that the technique works, really. It would seem to me that the jerkos who wouldn't 'get' a simple 'no thanks' wouldn't be put off by a ring any more than a 'no thanks'.

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2/02/2006

 
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2/03/2006

 
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2/03/2006

 
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2/04/2006

 
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2/04/2006

 
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2/05/2006

 
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2/06/2006

 
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2/07/2006

 
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2/08/2006

 
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2/09/2006

 
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2/09/2006

 
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2/12/2006

 
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2/12/2006

 
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2/18/2006

 
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2/18/2006

 
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2/19/2006

 
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2/21/2006

 
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2/22/2006

 
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2/24/2006

 
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2/28/2006

 
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3/01/2006

 

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