Football games for dummies, I mean, women

A friend sent me this article at Fox Sports that's aimed at women who don't like football and addresses a presumably common problem for women who don't like football: How to handle Superbowl parties that you go to only to please your boyfriend and still avoid become the object of derision due to your lack of knowledge of the game and/or the etiquette of football parties? My suggestion is not to go. There are plenty of activities that people don't like that they have to endure in the name of love--a six hour crashingly boring party where you are strenously avoiding becoming an object of mockery for the men to bond over is not one of them. (For any potential whiners--I don't think that people who hate shopping should be dragged along on 4-hour shoe-shopping excursions, either. However, one-hour excursions to purchase things everyone in the house will use are another story entirely.)

As much as we would love to believe that everyone shares our passion and hunger for football knowledge, we realize that some folks simply want enough ammunition to survive the big game without total humiliation. So here are a few tips on how to look the part and talk the talk as you head to your Super Bowl bash.

God forbid you should snap at a bunch of men who are trying to humiliate you for not caring about the Superbowl. You don't want your wittle wuvey-dovey to get a reputation for not being able to control his bitch, do you?

If you do not want to look like a football-watching rookie, you must first focus your attention on your attire. Now read carefully, ladies, because a fashion faux pas as minor as a crystal broach can mess up your entire football ensemble. Real football fans do not show up to a game in Jimmy Choo heels or cashmere ponchos. Nor do they sport leather pants or micro-mini skirts.

Yep, most women who spend money on Jimmy Choo heels are aching to waste them on a party with beer, guacamole and bullshit contests as the main attractions.

If you pick your NFL hat based on which team best matches your outfit, you may find yourself sporting a very attractive, yet unpopular Cardinals cap (a dead giveaway that you are a football faker since no one is a Cardinals fan these days!).

Picking your favorite Super Bowl contender is always a safe bet, but there is nothing wrong with being a "homer" and suiting up with your local team's cap. But just keep in mind that no Eagles fan wants to see a Cowboys cap at their party. You may get obscenities (or even worse, food) thrown at you. And we can guarantee that anyone you're trying to impress will pretend they don't even know you!

So your duty after reading this article is to bone up for hours upon hours on football ephemera to figure out obscure rivalries and the newest trends only to select a hat to impress someone who probably already knows you don't give a fuck about football. Maybe sticking with the micro-mini is a better idea.

One must never arrive at a football gathering empty handed. But what is a girl to bring? The answer is munchies. Save the cake and candy for your "girlie" parties (Tupperware, Mary Kay, etc.).

How we would poor women ever make friends if their weren't household products and cosmetics to bond over?

You also need to be careful not to bring the wrong beverage. It is not the time to share your prized Pinot Noir from last weekend's getaway to the vineyards.

Once again, they are addressing a race of space aliens with stereotypically feminine concerns that no actual person has on this planet. There is not a wine-lover alive who would waste a bottle purchased at the vineyard itself on a football party. Period. Yes, even us nimrod females know better than that.

Now here is a clincher — if you really want to be the hero, call before you leave to see who wants a Starbucks coffee (or Dunkin' Donuts for our pals back in Boston!). It is not always easy to stay perky for eight hours of pregame hype and a drawn-out game, no matter how captivating the sport may be.

With all the work you're putting into feeding and fetching coffee, maybe the best fashion choice is a French's maid outfit. You know, if popularity is such a big concern.

Now that we have covered the easy task of getting dressed and picking up a snack, it is time to bite into the tough stuff. You can only fool them for so long by looking the part — eventually you will need to open your mouth.

Translation: Alright, we admit it. Women know how to look cute and dish out food. But when asked their opinions, that's when they need help.

By the way, I've found that it's entirely untrue that the best strategy for dealing with hostile social circumstances is to fake your way through it. The best strategy is to be quiet with your back to the wall until you can find your chance to escape. At football parties, there are lots of opportunities for escape, too. Like pretty much any time the game is on.

This part can get tricky because the appropriate comment is usually dictated by what is happening in the game. But do not fret — some situations tend to come up frequently and we will arm you with the necessary football lingo to glide through the game.

It's a foolproof plan! We all know that if you startle a roomful of people by making an astute comment on a subject they thought you knew nothing about, there are never, ever any curious follow-up questions.