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Thursday, January 27, 2005

Football games for dummies, I mean, women

A friend sent me this article at Fox Sports that's aimed at women who don't like football and addresses a presumably common problem for women who don't like football: How to handle Superbowl parties that you go to only to please your boyfriend and still avoid become the object of derision due to your lack of knowledge of the game and/or the etiquette of football parties? My suggestion is not to go. There are plenty of activities that people don't like that they have to endure in the name of love--a six hour crashingly boring party where you are strenously avoiding becoming an object of mockery for the men to bond over is not one of them. (For any potential whiners--I don't think that people who hate shopping should be dragged along on 4-hour shoe-shopping excursions, either. However, one-hour excursions to purchase things everyone in the house will use are another story entirely.)

As much as we would love to believe that everyone shares our passion and hunger for football knowledge, we realize that some folks simply want enough ammunition to survive the big game without total humiliation. So here are a few tips on how to look the part and talk the talk as you head to your Super Bowl bash.

God forbid you should snap at a bunch of men who are trying to humiliate you for not caring about the Superbowl. You don't want your wittle wuvey-dovey to get a reputation for not being able to control his bitch, do you?

If you do not want to look like a football-watching rookie, you must first focus your attention on your attire. Now read carefully, ladies, because a fashion faux pas as minor as a crystal broach can mess up your entire football ensemble. Real football fans do not show up to a game in Jimmy Choo heels or cashmere ponchos. Nor do they sport leather pants or micro-mini skirts.

Yep, most women who spend money on Jimmy Choo heels are aching to waste them on a party with beer, guacamole and bullshit contests as the main attractions.

If you pick your NFL hat based on which team best matches your outfit, you may find yourself sporting a very attractive, yet unpopular Cardinals cap (a dead giveaway that you are a football faker since no one is a Cardinals fan these days!).

Picking your favorite Super Bowl contender is always a safe bet, but there is nothing wrong with being a "homer" and suiting up with your local team's cap. But just keep in mind that no Eagles fan wants to see a Cowboys cap at their party. You may get obscenities (or even worse, food) thrown at you. And we can guarantee that anyone you're trying to impress will pretend they don't even know you!

So your duty after reading this article is to bone up for hours upon hours on football ephemera to figure out obscure rivalries and the newest trends only to select a hat to impress someone who probably already knows you don't give a fuck about football. Maybe sticking with the micro-mini is a better idea.

One must never arrive at a football gathering empty handed. But what is a girl to bring? The answer is munchies. Save the cake and candy for your "girlie" parties (Tupperware, Mary Kay, etc.).

How we would poor women ever make friends if their weren't household products and cosmetics to bond over?

You also need to be careful not to bring the wrong beverage. It is not the time to share your prized Pinot Noir from last weekend's getaway to the vineyards.

Once again, they are addressing a race of space aliens with stereotypically feminine concerns that no actual person has on this planet. There is not a wine-lover alive who would waste a bottle purchased at the vineyard itself on a football party. Period. Yes, even us nimrod females know better than that.

Now here is a clincher — if you really want to be the hero, call before you leave to see who wants a Starbucks coffee (or Dunkin' Donuts for our pals back in Boston!). It is not always easy to stay perky for eight hours of pregame hype and a drawn-out game, no matter how captivating the sport may be.

With all the work you're putting into feeding and fetching coffee, maybe the best fashion choice is a French's maid outfit. You know, if popularity is such a big concern.

Now that we have covered the easy task of getting dressed and picking up a snack, it is time to bite into the tough stuff. You can only fool them for so long by looking the part — eventually you will need to open your mouth.

Translation: Alright, we admit it. Women know how to look cute and dish out food. But when asked their opinions, that's when they need help.

By the way, I've found that it's entirely untrue that the best strategy for dealing with hostile social circumstances is to fake your way through it. The best strategy is to be quiet with your back to the wall until you can find your chance to escape. At football parties, there are lots of opportunities for escape, too. Like pretty much any time the game is on.

This part can get tricky because the appropriate comment is usually dictated by what is happening in the game. But do not fret — some situations tend to come up frequently and we will arm you with the necessary football lingo to glide through the game.

It's a foolproof plan! We all know that if you startle a roomful of people by making an astute comment on a subject they thought you knew nothing about, there are never, ever any curious follow-up questions.

157 Comments:

Blogger Brian said...

Would it be too obvious to point out that since moving to Wisconsin, I've consistently encountered women who are more into football than I am?

1/27/2005

 
Blogger zuzu said...

It's been my experience that, rather than mock me for my lack of knowledge about sports, most men I've dated will happily take on the interpreter role.

Also? I really, really hate watching Big Sports on television (the Olympics, at least before NBC ruined them by being so Americentric, and some of the odder/more rare sports are an exception), but I will happily park my butt in a stadium seat. It's sort of the difference between watching a concert on TV and being there. It's much more interactive and fun that way (I always had a blast at Michigan football games in the student section, and it's kind of a trip to go out to Shea and have the planes taking off and landing so close), plus you feel silly doing the wave in your living room.

Besides, if someone scores Yankees tickets, I'd be a fool to turn them down (well, except this one time when the creepy guy at work asked me).

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Wow, that article was pretty offensive. If a chick wants to learn about football, believe me, we will. We're a pretty quick learn, believe or not. But if she doesn't care, trust me, she won't. And she shouldn't fake it. Now I AM a football fan, but that's because I want to be...not because I didn't want to get teased by a bunch of jerky guys.

AMG
http://anonymousmidwestgirl.blogspot.com

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Ron said...

I'm a bullit-head. Seriously, my neck is bigger than my head. Not as bad as Zippy, more like Henry Rollins with worse poetry. People always assume I played football & I couldn't care less about it. I'm athletic & don't mind playing the occasional game of touch, but I find all sports-watching obsessed people a little mad. Really, as my Mom used to say "Turn off the blinkin' TV and go outside and play why don't cha."

BTW, who is in the Super Bowl this year? Any Midwestern Teams? What about the entertainers? Will it be a good game? Should I bother to watch?

1/27/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are there really women who believe that a (potential or current) relationship requires one to follow a set of arbitrary rules? I'm very sad for them. I mean, when you believe in rules, you also believe in the consequences of not following the rules--therefore, everything bad that happens to you is your fault. And that's just depressing.

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Trish said...

I embarrassed my son once by accidentally naming a baseball team when he was talking about football. Luckily, the only other person in the room was my husband, who isn't a football fan. He was a soccer fan, but has since lost interest. Thank God.

So, if I ever have to suffer through a football game, I'll just wear all jeans, a black t-shirt, and bring in a pack of Mickey's Big Mouth and some Dunkin' Donut minis (I live near Boston).

Oh... who are the Cardinals? :P

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Yep, Anon. But I wouldn't call the rules "arbitrary" so much as "a somewhat educated guess at what the average man wants in a woman that you have to mold yourself to". And often the rules make perfect sense from that standpoint--if you assume that men want worshipful subservience and that women should be willing to give it.

In this case, I just feel rotten because I know all too well how many women, especially younger women, tag along to situations where they know they are going to be used as an object of ridicule and their job, as a woman, is to be pleasant and accepting of the abuse. It's a tough belief to get over.

1/27/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you know what i loathe most about football? it's not the game--i enjoy a good game every once in awhile. but i HATE the commercials shown during football games. they are so over the top, geared towards steak-eating, big truck-driving, viagra-popping, take care of the little woman but keep an eye out for the jiggling beer twins, testosterone-y men. a whole lotta women watch football. and a whole lotta nerdy sweet boys watch too. is it too much to ask to not have those fucking asinine beer commercials with the jiggling ladies every ten minutes? maybe even a nice tampon commercial once in awhile?

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Hear hear! I know people who like football and feel vaguely ashamed when the commercials come on, like they just joined the Idiot Pig Club.

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Linnaeus said...

I suppose I just run in different circles than the target audience of this article. Most football parties I've been to included a near-equal number of men and women (by parties, I mean a self-consciously promoted social event, not an impromptu, "hey, let's watch the game" kind of thing) and even the people who weren't into the sport per se had fun. For one thing, we always had good food, and if you don't like the game, you can eat. Secondly, there was no stigma attached to leaving the main watching room and chatting with your friends somewhere else. Thirdly, even if you don't understand the game, you could get into it through the various drinking games that we invented (even if you don't like alcohol, it's fun).

I'll second the observation another poster made: Anyone who mentioned a lack of knowledge about the game was never ridiculed; if anything, he or she got a chorus of people falling all over themselves attempting to explain the game. I confess that I like to do this. Most decent sports fans - men or women - are flattered by an opportunity to explain the ins and outs of something they enjoy.

1/27/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm... I'm from St. Louis, so I know there's a baseball team called the Cardinals (I heard they're doing well, but I'm not sure). I don't know about football teams called the cardinals, though.

Julian Elson

1/27/2005

 
Blogger zuzu said...

Oh! Oh! I know that the football Cardinals, last I heard, were in Phoenix. I forget where they had been earlier.

Though if a team were crying out for a name change upon moving, this is it. About the only thing more jarring is the Utah Jazz.

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Pseudo-Adrienne said...

I just love it when these kinds of people who put out this stereotypical crap about women, assume to know ALL women! I love footbal. I watch it every Sunday and Mondays. And I know better than to bring wine to a football game gathering, and look...I have female genitalia! I must be some kind of abnormality, because women should never like rough sports.....isn't that right Fox, Spike TV, and ESPN?!!

1/27/2005

 
Blogger heydt said...

Imagine if this article had been written for men who don't watch or like football. Ok, I realize that's a big stretch, since any man who doesn't must be a limp-wristed, panty-waisted fay-got, but run with me a moment here. Does anyone honestly think the words "tupperware" "brooch" or "cashmere poncho" would have appeared? No, if such an article were to appear, I figure it would have a fairly quick overview of football, the basics of scoring and team positions, who the teams in this superbowl are, and so on. The article would assume that even if (horrors!) a man wasn't interested in football, and knew nothing about it, he could grasp a basic rundown of how the game worked, and with this knowledge he could comprehend what was going on well enough to hold his own.

Since women obviously don't know enough not to wear designer heels to the event, they can't possibly be trusted to understand a brief and logical overview of the game. Instead, they get a few, pre-programmed responses to bark out, like a robot or a trained dog.

Hmph.

1/27/2005

 
Blogger bitchphd said...

What Linneaus said. I've never been to a sports-type party that didn't include both men and women who liked and didn't like the sport: mostly the ones I go to are just groups of friends, some of who like sports, using the game as an excuse to get together. And I've never been to a party of any kind where people were mocked for wearing jewelry or heels or for bringing homemade treats.

Obviously I just hang out with the "wrong" kind of men.

1/27/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I get around this by throwing my own Superbowl (which my dad calls the "Stupidbowl") party- a few people come for the game, most come to socialize and watch the commercials. What little I actually know about football is more than my boyfriend knows!

Besides, the most important game of the year is Army-Navy. (Go Navy!) That one I arrange my life so that I can watch.

And by the way- everything I learned about football I learned from my grandmother. She was a big Giants fan back in the Bill Parcells days.....

-syfr

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Linnaeus said...

For those who care, the Arizona Cardinals were once the St. Louis Cardinals (yes, the baseball and football teams had the same nickname).

And I agree the Utah Jazz makes no sense; that team was once the New Orleans Jazz. Now New Orleans has the Hornets, who were once the Charlotte Hornets. Even crazier, after the Hornets left Charlotte, that city got a new NBA team, the Bobcats.

I don't get it, either.

1/27/2005

 
Blogger Zoe said...

The dual-Cardinals days in my hometown were great- the same hat would do double duty.

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Ask.com, Answers.com outperform more popular Web engines

Even as they become more savvy, the Internet's leading search engines still sometimes bog down in befuddlement when a specific kernel of knowledge is sought.

Hoping to fill the gap, Answers.com (from GuruNet Corp.) and Ask.com (from Ask Jeeves Inc.) have pledged to provide more adept responses to vexing but straightforward questions about history, science, geography, pop culture and sports.


Both search engines aim to provide a correct answer explicitly at the top of a search's first results page -- or with a highly placed link to a Web page that contains the information.

Their mission raises a question: Just how knowledgeable are these search engines?

To find out, I staged a very unscientific test consisting of questions culled from a recent edition of Trivial Pursuit.

My mock game pitted the avowed prowess of Answers.com and Ask.com against the Internet's most widely used search engines -- Google, Yahoo and Microsoft Corp.'s MSN.

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Both Answers.com and Ask.com guided me to the correct answer (tektites) with the first link on the results page -- an aptitude that both sites displayed with 10 of the 20 questions posed in the theoretical game. When they didn't get the answer with the very first link in response to some questions, both search engines generally came through within the next two links.

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Answers.com relies on a combination of Google's search engine and human editors who have stoked its database with answers to frequently asked questions that they've obtained by poring through reference materials.

Ask.com, part of a Web family about to be acquired by e-commerce conglomerate InterActiveCorp for $2 billion, has devised a fully automated approach that fishes through the Internet's sea of information.

Although they are superior to the other search engines at this task, Answers.com and Ask.com rarely realized their ultimate goal -- making things as clear-cut as possible by summarizing the correct response at the very top of the results page so it wouldn't be necessary to click on a link and peruse another Web site.

Ask.com spit out a concise "Web answer" in just two of the 20 questions, while the only time that Answers.com delivered was when I sought the definition of "googol." (It's the number one followed by 100 zeros.)

Google, which drew its name from that mathematical term, fared reasonably well in the competition. The Internet's most popular search engine came up with the correct answer on the first link in eight of the 20 questions (including the one about tektites). That's something Yahoo did just five times and MSN only twice.

None of the sites was omniscient. Answers.com, Ask.com and Google each drew blanks on three questions (I considered it a miss if a link to the correct answer didn't appear within the first three pages of results). Yahoo and MSN each whiffed on six questions.

There was only one question that baffled all the search engines, "Who was the first Cuban defector to play in Major League Baseball?" Although they all contained references to him in their indexes, none of the search engines could figure out it was Rene Arocha, a pitcher who first signed with the St. Louis Cardinals in the early 1990s.


Though it lagged behind the other search engines in this competition, MSN looked brilliant on one question that stumped all the other search engines: What company was acquired in the biggest leveraged buy-out deal of all time? The first link on MSN's results page took me to a site that correctly listed RJR Nabisco.

The test also revealed the disadvantage of depending on search engines -- they sometimes point to sites with conflicting answers.

This occurred most frequently when I asked how many viewers watched the series finale of the TV show M*A*S*H. The search engines pointed to Web sites that variously listed the audience at anywhere from 105.9 million to nearly 125 million. Trivial Pursuit lists the answer as 121.6 million.

To paraphrase M*A*S*H's theme song, searching for online answers still isn't painless.


About the Author: Michael Liedtke


Copyright © - 2005 Entireweb

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10/14/2005

 
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Is the PC game market? (Dallas Morning News)
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Xbox 360's New Media Play Finding Fans (eWeek)
Consumers were impressed by the expanded multimedia features of Microsoft's upcoming Xbox 360 at the Digital Life conference, while gamers were excited to begin using the devices to access other types of services.

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