If you want to be happy, forgo the hot sex

Well, that's message I get from MSN when they run articles like today's--Six Ways to Tell a Prince from a Player.

By definition, a prince is the nice guy you probably rejected in high school – the keeper – the one interested in marriage and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Actually, the guys who were interested in marriage in high school tended to be the controlling types, if I remember correctly.

The player, on the other hand, is the guy you dated or longed to date in high school. He’s the one who’s suave and sexy, and knows it. He’s the one with all the right moves, none of them putting your interests first.

So there are your choices, ladies. Complete assholes or needy sexual incompetents. No wonder women don't like "nice guys"! At least the asshole is good in bed and gives you your space. But apparently, you're supposed to like the prince. So let's get with figuring him out from the player.

1. A prince calls when he says he will. A player has a long list of excuses as to why he couldn’t call.

Damn, dinged as a nerdy needball for calling when you say you will! Already this is confusing.

2. A prince puts you first. A player puts everything but you first – work, golf, drinking, friends, you name it.

So the trick is this. When he's trying to go to work, beg him to come back to bed. If he won't come, then he's a player. He's probably not at work at all. He's probably fucking someone else.

3. A prince wants to meet your family and friends and wants you to meet his (when he sees the relationship is moving forward). A player may take you out with his friends (or bring his friends along on your date, depending how you view it), even on the first date. Consider this a clear sign that dating you has little to do with building a relationship.

If he wants you to meet his friends, then he is a player. But he's also a prince. Check. The difference is if he sees the relationship moving forward or not. He's the man, so it's his call. You won't know, of course, because it's in his head. Don't ask, because that will make you the graspy female.

4. A prince invests time in you – taking time to find out your favorite song, dessert, etc., a sign of his falling for you. A player puts forth little effort to really get to know you.

If he remembers that you like fried chicken, that means he wants to get married. Start ordering invitations now. I promise that this won't end in tears or heartbreak. He's a prince, remember?

5. A prince is the one who will hand-deliver chicken soup when you’re sick. A player is the one who will be way too busy to see you when you’re sick because it won’t be any fun for him.

If he has his personal assistant drop off the chicken soup, well, you have a problem on your hands. But you do know he's rich, so there's that much more reason to hang in, dropping hints. ("I love fried chicken! Yum yum.")

6. A prince will romance you slowly, bringing you a single flower or bouquet when the time is right, sending a romantic card, or going someplace fancy for dinner to celebrate something special. A player will romance you from soup to nuts right away – dozens of the most expensive bouquets “just because,” going to the most expensive restaurants from the beginning, and other similar extravagances. He’s looking for a quick payoff.

Damn. Back off the fried chicken test. He may just be paying attention to you to get you into bed. Be very suspicious of nice behavior. The most loving guys don't send out courtship signals. Really, I'd be very suspicious if he calls back on time. He may be just trying to get you in bed.