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Friday, January 28, 2005

The perils of the engagement ring

Steve Gilliard has jumped into the engagement ring debates. He hasn't offered an opinion on the advice column from Cary Tennis where Cary suggests that there might be multiple readings of the meaning of the ring, but you can imagine how some of his readers reacted. Yep--it's a symbol of patriarchal oppression, a throwback to the days when women were purchasable commodities, a way of reinforcing the notion that women's worth is measured by their men, but all most of his commenters can do is sputter around about what a bitch the woman in question is for wanting one.

Of course, my first inclination on reading that the woman in question was demanding a 3-months-salary ring was, "Why don't you just peddle that shit on South Congress?" But while my thought was rude, I don't think it was particularly sexist--in no way do I think that women have some inherent need to be bought out or that we are greedy bitches. I just don't think that the romanticizing the purchase of wives is such a great idea, even if we claim to just be clinging to the trappings while denying their meaning.

Cary struggles to find more pleasant, newer meanings to the engagement ring:

We all know that in spite of social progress men still make more money than women and thus wield more power. So requesting that he buy this ring, although it sounds old-fashioned, may also be her way of asking that he recognize this continuing social and economic inequality; the act of buying the ring is a symbolic giving up of his unfairly derived power, a laying himself bare.

Nice try, but no cigar. A symbolic gesture of female subservience and decorativeness is indeed and acknowledgement of their reality, but simply acknowledging it does nothing to fight against it. In fact, adamantly refusing to wear a ring is also a symbolic gesture that goes noticed and it speaks volumes about one's unwillingness to just give into social customs that offend you.

If you make more than your partner there are ways you can equal things out without spending the money on a gesture that carries the implication that your wife is a purchasable commodity. For instance, you can pay a higher percentage of the bills--a private decision that much more effectively conveys the belief that marriage is a partnership, not a transaction.

Of course, my hard stance that the engagement ring is a symbol of female subservience is challenged strongly by the fact that so many women push so hard for them. And as such, I feel sorry for the woman who writes this letter, because it's a pain in the ass to explain why just because it's a woman who wants something doesn't make it a feminist thing. But basically, pushing for an expensive ring from a man, even a man who makes a lot of money and pays for more of the bills, seems wrong-headed to me. The ring seems like a transaction whereas divvying up the bills is just partnership.

481 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Patriarchal or not...

My girlfriend and I just bought ourselves matching Vatche x-prong platinum engagement rings in preparation for our fall wedding. As lesbians, we are thrilled to be wearing them; neither of us ever thought that this would be a life option for us.

Honestly, everyone we know was very VERY suprised that my extra-butch partner wanted such a sparkly bauble. Truth is, they are a little envious as well.

1/28/2005

 
Blogger lawrence krubner said...

Right on! Amanda, you put things perfectly. I especially like the line about how just because a woman wants something doesn't mean it is a feminist thing. We all, men and women, need some re-education.

1/28/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with what you say about engagement rings to a point, but when my fiancee asked me to marry him with the ring in his hands with tears in his eyes, it wasn't a transaction or a deal at all. It was the most romantic and beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me. The ring was not from my expectation, or insistance or anything else - it was love..Is that so bad?

I don't feel that I'm owned. My ring did not cost him 3 months salary (we're on equal footing financially and share the bills), and I would have said yes if he asked without the ring..He knew this before he proposed because we discussed it at length before we lived together. Am I less because of it? Absolutely not - but please don't condemn me or view me as less a feminist because the love of my life gave me a beautiful gift..

AldeaMB

1/28/2005

 
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda, I think you're right. But I'm not sure what to do with this beautiful ring I'm wearing. When my now-husband gave it to me many years ago, I thought of it as romantic. I didn't see it as oppressive at the time and I still don't since it now has a lot of sentimental value. But I would have to agree that the tradition is founded on sexism. I think it's hard for women to recognize when they themselves have bought into perpetuating sexism and it's even harder to know what to do about it in hindsight.

I'd add that I also didn't have any knowledge about the problems associated with the diamond industry at the time but that's a different subject I suppose.

1/28/2005

 
Blogger greg said...

Having recently bought an engagement ring, I've gotta say that your "a symbol of patriarchal oppression" remark hit me a little off guard. Neither my fiancee or I see this nod to tradition as my symbolically purchasing her anymore than my chivalrous habit of opening doors for her constitues a belief that I think she's too weak to open them for herself. There's nothing wrong with nods to tradition in a healthy relationship.

That said, anyone who makes *demands* like that woman's in a relationship (purchases, behavior, etc.) is fucking immature. A healthy relationship is build on give and take, not ultimatums. To me, the engagement ring is a symbol of my love for my wife-to-be. Anyone who would put a price tag on a symbolic gesture like that is an asshole.

1/28/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IMO, the message a big diamond ring sends is "I landed me a man, and GOD is he rich!"

When they perfect the flawless white synthetic diamond, I'm going to buy one the size of my fist and put it in a sunny window. Then I'll save my money for a chandelier.

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1/28/2005

 
Blogger mythago said...

and I would have said yes if he asked without the ringYet he bought the ring, when he didn't have to, and chose it over other lovely, expensive gifts. Why?

1/29/2005

 
Blogger Amanda said...

I think myth is really onto something there. I can think of so many uses for that kind of money and it would just seem like a shame to spend it on jewelry. But then again, my list of shit I'm gonna do when I get the money is a mile long--restore my hardwood floors, build a recording studio onto my house, pay off my car and buy a convertible, you name it--I'm as materialistic as the next person but I like big ticket stuff.

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Blogger Trish said...

My ex-husband and I picked out a huge ring when I married in the 1980s. That was a time for ostentatious display, if you remember the '80s at all. It was a BIG ring. It was a pigeon blood ruby surrounded by diamond bagettes. I don't have it anymore. We were comfortably well off, although I didn't know at the time that he was amassing a huge credit card and home equity loan debt, another characteristic of the '80s. That debt, as far as I know, has been paid off.

My current husband and I didn't exchange rings, but we bought rings we wear because we like them. They're a bit unusual. He has a puzzle ring, and I have (chuckle) a poison ring. I consider mine a wedding ring, even though I wear it on both ring fingers. I mostly wear it on my left hand.

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Blogger Chris T. said...

Isn't it possible to refigure the tradition, though? My wife and I got engaged without any expensive hardware, because we came to the decision in the middle of the school year, when money was tight. When we went in for jewelry, it was two rings, one for each of us. Hers was more expensive only because diamonds and sapphires cost a lot, whereas I didn't want any stones on mine.

It worked for us, and it felt like a genuine and mutual expression of our commitment, not a transaction. Seems to me this kind of idea can be traditional without being patriarchal.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

neither my spouse or i wear any engagement rings. then again, we never really had an engagement. but if we had bothered with that whole brouhaha, i might just have put my foot down for doing it like it's traditionally done in my native country/culture: each party wearing matching plain gold bands, the engagement set usually being a bit narrower than the wedding bands.

as it is we wear just the wedding bands, in that fashion. my spouse doesn't seem to mind the arrangement; neither of us care much for baubles of any sort, we usually don't wear any other jewelry at all.

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Also have another cool site called HotLinZ

Drop by if you get time :-)

11/12/2005

 
Blogger Infactahost.com said...

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11/12/2005

 
Blogger Pat Martin said...

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11/13/2005

 
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11/13/2005

 
Anonymous best autosurf said...

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The perils of the engagement ring was a good read. I've been searching for autosurf traffic blogs and came across yours. Even though it was not exact I am always open to new ideas about autosurf traffic in any way I can think of. Have a great day :-)

11/13/2005

 
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11/13/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11/13/2005

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11/14/2005

 
Blogger Web Design Studio said...

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11/14/2005

 

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