Valentine's Day disappointment protection

The pressure is on to be a sex goddess, a nubile virgin and a fairy princess all rolled into one this Valentine's Day, or at least to have one mind-numbing orgasm followed by a bout of basking in the glow of good lighting and the adoration of your well-muscled yet sparsely hairy mate while you lay beatifically with your hair spread beautifully out on your soft white pillows. iVillage is here to help if you can't figure out how to do this on your own. Be not afraid, good women! We will help you have a sexy and fulfilling holiday!

Make this a special time to focus on love. But instead of buying into the tireless emphasis on chocolates and roses or longing for that perfect mate (no one is perfect), adopt an attitude of gratitude about the good things that love can bring to your life. Do it with or without a partner by your side.

Oh yes, we forgot to tell you. This article is aimed not only at women who struggle to be happy despite being all-too-human women in love with all-too-human men, but also at single women. Just because you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean you are exempt from skipping our advice on boyfriend-related activities. Just pretend you have a boyfriend--same difference. I mean, since you're doing all the work anyway, the actual physical presence of a man is just a formality.

Uplift your environment. Play romantic music in your boudoir and bring in luscious velvets or anything else that makes you feel sexy.

Luckily, since you are a wealthy woman from the 19th century who happens to have a stereo and a mail order catalog, you get to both have a room in your house you call a boudoir and the music and made-to-order fabrics. And your lucky man gets to have a woman who knows her way in and out of a corset. Hopefully, he can work a bottle of smelling salts for you.

Make specific plans to show your love to your partner.

I guess we forgot about the single women there. Or, I guess you could leave that "steamy phone message" they speak about to yourself. The nice thing is, it won't surprise and embarass you that way.

Start a special ritual for self-love. Some ideas include creating a sacred spot in your bedroom or private closet where you place pictures of ones you love (even a pet may do),

Now see here! I cannot condone the practice of self-love in your closet to a picture of Fido, goddammit! Masturbation is a beautiful thing, so beautiful in fact that you can make good money selling pictures of it. And I fully support masturbating away to all sorts of weird fantasies--Ginger, Mary Ann, and Gilligan sneaking away in a never before seen episode, gang fights drifting into all-male orgies, religious figures and Jenna Jameson--go wild, I don't care. But rubbing one out while gazing on the family pet? I can't go there. Even on Valentine's Day.

I always suggest favorite messages that can propel you into a sense of being loved, like Post-its with little affirmations you write to yourself that you are a worthy woman, a beautiful soul, a sexy beast, an alluring babe.

I see this advice everywhere and I don't see how it works. I mean, I write a message to myself and leave it on the mirror for me to find later and all I can think is, "Damn, that's sad that I had to write to myself," when I see it. Of course, I have really bad and extremely distinctive handwriting. Maybe it's easier for people with indistinct handwriting.

Make the first move. That's what Valentine's Day is really all about, the extension of romantic love. Invite your honey to a dinner on the patio, ride a hired a horse and buggy through the park, take him to the beach or new mall for a pre-dinner walk, go ice-skating or watch a romantic movie, such as Doctor Zhivago, Casablanca, Gladiator or Sleepless in Seattle. You pick!

Oooh...this is the advice for those women who just know that if their men have to plan a damn thing, they won't have any romance at all and will be stuck drinking Pearl in front of the TV for Valentine's Day. I'll tell you a secret, ladies. Taking the initiative isn't going to work, because he'll probably just wonder what's going on and whether you're going to get back in time for his show. If he's too daft to notice the calendar date, dropping big fat hints like carriage rides in the park isn't going to correct his romantic ineptitude.

Wear something revealing such as a lace bodysuit with no bra or a slinky, high-neck dress that snuggles against your skin. Never mind if there are little puffs of flesh here and there. Let go of your expectations about how it's "supposed" to look.

Fun as this is, if it's an addendum to the strategy before this.... If you're pushed to the point that you have to dress like an extra in a Bobby Brown video from the late 80s/early 90s, throw on a normal sweater and jeans, leave him to whatever the fuck he's doing and go fuck someone else. I assure you, it's a far easier way to get his attention.

Get in touch with your inner child. Think of the playful you, and tap into the memories of Valentine's Day when you were young. Before hearts and flowers meant something to you as an adult, Valentine's Day was a celebration filled with anticipation and laughter.

Yep, if Valentine's Day leaves you with paroxysms of anxiety, how better to escape than to go back to that time when you were deathly afraid that you would be getting less cards with silly Garfield pictures on them than anyone else in the class?

Remember the fun you once had, handing out those little lace and red construction paper doilies or grabbing a handful of those sweet hard candies with romantic words like "I love you" or "You are cute!"

Or staring with amazement and envy at that one girl who got these cards from the boys for some mysterious reason while everyone else got cards that said, "You're a great friend!" or "Nice knowing you!" You want real comfort? Remember that girl and think about how she now has a fat husband and four kids and lives to watch "General Hospital". It's wrong to make yourself feel better that way, but it's better than masturbating to your Friday cat blog.

Now for the don'ts.

Try not to wait until the last minute to make a beauty plan. Don't spend the last daylight hours before your date or dinner reservation at the salon getting a new haircut that you may not like -- or worse, getting a bikini wax. Ouch! Be prepared and spend the time you need to feel ready for romance again.

Don't fool yourself. If you weren't loveable this morning, ain't no hairless pussy going to make you loveable tonight.

Never tell yourself that you are not pretty enough, smart enough or valuable enough if a lover doesn't ask you out this year. Find things to do that are going to enrich your day, such as being with good friends, indulging yourself at a spa or taking the kids to a funny movie. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself is exactly what you should do.

Fat husband....four kids...."General Hospital". Damn, I feel better already.

Avoid overdoing it, trying to do everything for everyone. Let the kids go somewhere else for the night, or get your hubby out of your way so you can prep and pamper yourself into a real state of feeling sexy.

This is where iVillage really lets their readers down. How can you dump the loser you married and the kids you bore for a day while you get all prepped up for your date tonight? We need practical advice, dammit!

Don't stress over doing it right.

But please allow yourself a little stress over doing it wrong, especially if wrong is pet pictures.